RANDOM THOUGHTS
UGLY THOUGHTS
SAD THOUGHTS
BAD THOUGHTS
Mom cried a little...she just got back from her brother's wake. Also just finished e-mailing sister and cousins. She was also telling me about my cousin's birthday celebration which they held with the wake (he turned 7 years old) when she also remembered that her youngest brother wouldn't even give some money to a cousin (the youngest of the deceased brother who had to travel from General Santos City pa) to add to her travel fare back home. This hurts Mom, I think, because not only has she and other siblings spent the last of their money (aside from borrowing some more) for this unexpected 'event', but because it always hurts that someone of your own blood simply do not care.
It's also hard to realize yet again that it's not how much you have that counts, but your willingness to give. And that his brother isn't willing also suggests that in the near future, the same apathy.....may show itself again when other siblings/relatives pass away.
And my Mom, I know, is just so tired.
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I've always wanted shots of my body parts....and now I feel i've waited too long to have them...
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I have been seriously neglecting and hurting someone who truly cares about me.... maybe because of my own limitations as a human being... maybe because I do owe some things to myself first.... maybe because there is a right time and place for us to fully re-connect....
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My officemate died last saturday....while I was telling a certain pexer of how I wish to have friends like her, of how I'm gonna miss her... etc. This has actually deeply troubled me and has totally destroyed my Holiday spirits. I feel, when I go home to Lipa tom....I would be just holding my babies and getting scared that I'd be taken away too soon from loved ones.
Anyway...the matter has also made me realize that I will not mourn very much for one of my bosses when she dies. After all, I will never forget how she's always tried to paint a bad picture of the one that recently died...
when it was.......so much easier to be a good person when Ate Ene was around....
Oh, God....I will really miss her....is this why I cannot perfect the cathedral windows for the Christmas Party?
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Who will partake of all the candies we so lovingly wrapped and ribboned in colorful plastic bags...when half my baby cousins and nephews/nieces are in Bicol?
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I wonder who my real friends are. Ate Ene had friends who would buy her a cellphone so they can easily ask her about her health, who would save up for plane tickets to visit her here in Manila, who would save up their leave credits to spend a week just taking care of her in the hospital, who would rally other friends for scheduled visits and gatherings to cheer her up, who would send money once in awhile (without being asked) or solicit money for her chemotherapy sessions, who would remember her birthdays and Christmases, etc., who remembers to pray for her....
I have often wondered...what has Ate done to them...what has Ate given them...for them to be so supportive and loyal and loving and caring....what is she to them?
And what can I do to be like her? it depresses me to know that I might die without having friends as loving as she has....It drives me to despair if I die without having touched someone's life so greatly....or not to have been someone for somebody....
And through this horrible week.........not one friend has really taken time out to talk to me and hold me.......
And am feeling all kinds of bitter, guilty.........confused.........
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If i die and do not get cremated, meaning, I get buried...I wonder how many worms would eat me....
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I've always wanted shots of my body parts....and now I feel i've waited too long to have them...
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Line from 100 Girls (the movie)
"I'm cursed. I'm ugly...and i'm also very, very smart. No man will feel passion for me"
Only God knows how many times i've felt like this....well, mostly the ugly n' smart
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And there's this recurring thought....what if am not this spunky, witty girl with a relatively cute face and nice body....will guys still be wanting me? Will I ever really be able to win a guy and keep him by just being this nice girl who is sometimes caring, sometimes sweet, sometimes really loving and thoughtful?
And if I was that average........would I also have gottend desperate enough and allow myself to be devalued in the ways most women right now are being devalued?
And if I was a little prettier.....would I have reached the grand old age of 25 without having gotten pregnant?
