Dati pa
sabi ko na
iba akong magmahal
kahit walang maniwala sakin
dahil sa kadaldalan ko
at likas na masayahing ugali
dahil sa kaartehan
at likas na kalandian
hirap akong mangumbinsi
na talo ko pa
ang sandamakmak na
matimtimang birhen
kung umibig

dati pa
minahal na kita
kahit wala sa plano
at wala sa hinagap ko
nangarap din ako
na maging 'tayo' sana
alam ko, dumaan ako
sa panahong wala akong
ibang panalangin
kundi ang mahalin mo rin
minsan din, alam kong
mahal mo na din ako
kaya lang, hindi talaga
pwede eh
ikaw ang may ayaw
sa pag-ibig

dati, iniisip ko
kung naging tahimik kaya ako
at mas cariñosa
baka mas naging madali
para sa iyo
na piliing mahalin ako
pero naisip ko din
baka naman nga
talagang hindi tayo
para sa isa't isa
kasi, kung itinadhana tayo
di hindi sana naging
ganun kahirap
at kasakit saking
ibigin ka

Pero alam mo
(malamang hindi)
Minahal talaga kita
mahal pa rin kita
Noon, lahat ibibigay sayo
Lahat handang gawin para sa'yo
at naghintay ako
kaya lang, napapagod din pala
ang puso
at kahit handa syang maghintay
napapaniwala rin pala sya
na ang kaligayahan ng minamahal
ay wala sa kanya

- another impromptu.... sigh....

given that am melodramatic, I stole this pic from quizilla coz i soooo want one

sigh....

it took tonight
for me to realize
am no longer in love with you
it took tonight
and the sweet smell of evening air
for me to accept
that my future lies not
with you
it took tonight
and a new circle of friends
a new hobby
and new possibilities
and a really starry night
for me to finally see
what has always been
a "never-could-be"
it took tonight
for me to accept
that I have been holding on
needlessly

it took tonight
after more than two years
of loving you
and hoping
and waiting
and holding on
for me to finally let go
it took tonight
for me to say goodbye
and finally, finally
prepare myself
in loving and being happy
with someone else
it took tonight
for me to vow
to not 'obligate' you
further with whatever dreams
I had of an "us"

it took tonight dearest,
it took tonight


- poem made today.... and finished this moment.... i must be a trifle sad then....

hmmpf, ala naman pala nagmamahal saken eh :(

/me pouts

Over time, I've building my castle of love
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason
I've gone much too far for you now to say
That I've got to throw my castle away

Over dreams, I have picked out a perfect come true
Though you never knew it was of you I've been dreaming
The sandman has come from too far away
For you to say come back some other day

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me

Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone
Just to find, I had found what I've searched to discover
I've come much too far for me now to find
The love that I've sought can never be mine

And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me

And though the odds say improbable
What do they know
For in romance
All true love needs is a chance
And maybe with a chance you will find
You too like I
Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you

- OVERJOYED (stevie wonder)

how appropriate this was then....how sad that it's soooo appropriate...and that some things are through...

Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
the angtsy and bothered must read this
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
troubling words/phrases for the day:

1) morning wood
2) "screwed 5 ways to Sunday"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
i've been chanting the following all day since yesterday:

up and down
back and forth
faster, faster

you told me
you'd call
so I stayed home
and waited
tried to read
couldn't sleep
guarded the phone
stomped and stalked
all over my bedroom floor
started feeling weepy
started getting angry
started getting scared
wondered where you are
or what's taking you so long
did the same again
the following day

you told me
you'd call
I should have asked
what year?

(something impromptu....i am soooo unproductive right now)

I'm one of those who believe that we have to be STUPID sometimes in order to better appreciate our efforts at being WISE. My creepy, for all his narrow-mind (and I pray to the heavens, a really small, super pre-ejaculative dick), has been able to tap onto my inate inability to miss a repro-health moment. Which made me chat with him again. Which led him to asking me if ever I had engaged in anal sex (uhm, no offense meant to those who have tried, but honestly, I doubt I ever will), a question I of course didn't answer. Which led him to also asking me whether I own a thong (lolz, the pexers reading this would know that I even have a red one with feathers), another question I didn't answer (ask me about spermicides and morning pills and am cool, even if you're a creep...).

It stupefies me to know that a simple matter as owning a thong would elicit some 25 miscalls from him and abusive text messages (like, hoy pokpok, whore! nagmamalinis ka pa, wala nang lalake na seseryoso sa mga tulad mo, p*tang !na mo, me thong ka ba?). And no, I don't really enjoy the abusive treatment, but just as weirdly, I feel that he's some bloody form of therapy. Uhm, I am not being very eloquent... Suffice it to say that suffering abuse from him has actually done me good because it's also helped me realize who I am and who am not. Of course, being called a whore several times over made me think and reflect if I was one (if I was, i'd have been banging every guy crazy at the drop of a hat). He has also made me more grateful and appreciative of my male friends, even those I haven't met personally but continue to chat with over the net. Sigh. I just really have the coolest of male friends. And the most intelligent, the most sensitive, the most adorable. Yeah, yeah, they can be real jerks and weirdoes too but they're lovable. And I know am not wrong to say that they're not pathetic.

To end this one, I would just like to say that I hope my creep gets STD or that women all over would tease him and tease him and then reject him once he's really vulnerable (like with his pants down and ready to enter a girl... and the girl would say, "Ayy, I changed my mind na!" and then just leave him hanging...).

Ok, am being mean. Hmmpf, mamamatay rin sya, ryt?

my favorite sad poem, and not even written by me...


the sun will set
in a few minutes
it's been doing it
regularly
for as long as I can
remember
maybe, I should
pin my hopes
on small,
often unnoticed,
certainties like that
and not on such
relatively trivial matters
as whether you
will ever love me
or not

been going over some stuff....realized am either a genius or pathetic

sharing

Everdearest ___,

It's not that often that I write you to tell you that I do miss you a lot, but that does not mean that I don't think of you often. In fact I think of you most of the time. And that scares me because I'm left with the uncertainty of thought and change. That someday you'd just wake up not feeling the love that had brought us both here. Or probably some new discovery in your life that would pose a threat between you and me.

If at some point in this life we share, I would seem to push myself to every aspect in your life, I apologize. For some time now in my life, you have been the biggest part. You have filled up that hole once emptied by pain and mistakes, and I just don't think I could bear the same emptiness again. And just confirming the old cliché that "you don't know how valuable someone is until she is gone", I have lost you once and I am not willing to lose you again.

Life's complexities could be such a burden, to one who asks for the simplest of things. And I guess no one is exempted from such hardships. I just want you to know that as we live each day, going through one hardship to the other, I'm still here, holding your hand tighter than before. Because I am in love with you, and every single thing that makes me love you more.

Forever,

Your ___!

I'm a failure.

Yes, I finally have to admit that I am a failure.
Whether rated by somebody else or by myself,
I always end up with FAILURE emblazoned in neon all over me.
When I interact with others, it's all they see.
Wherever I go and in whatever I do, I am forever marked as such.

Especially, sexually.
I now realize, no matter how kinky my thoughts are,
and no matter how naughty my get-up,
even if I perfect the art of seduction
(which I never can)
and even if I was really endowed with a beautiful body
(instead of just projecting such)
and no matter what things I do
and eat in bed with my partner,
i'm still a failure.

I have never caused happiness.
I have never brought joy.
I can never inspire bliss and ecstasy.

At least, i'm no longer blind.
Somehow, i've finally realized why I keep getting
an F for sex.

Kainis

Dreamt of my ex, the one I refer to as GLD. In the dream, he called me up over the phone and he was upset. I could tell he was upset readily. And he asked for a meeting. And I did meet him. And I got worried.

In the dream, he was with a student of his... and he told me that Jane (the ex-close friend and his wife) is interfering with his dream. When I asked what his dream was, he asked me, "mec, don't you remember, I've always wanted to be like my father."

I asked him how his marriage could be interfering with that (considering that the recently became a father himself) and he said we should talk somewhere more private. We were going to this Laguna Industrial Park somewhere and along the way, he was telling his student (who went with us) how he knows I still know him and how we still think the same thoughts now and then. And I related how we can still finish each other's sentences for each other.

Then I woke up.

And now, i'm bothered. Just bothered (not hot and bothered, which would have been more fun).

Cannot help but wonder if I kept him from his dreams that's why it stopped being "us"

Just got back from Pico de Loro, for my exploits and musings, please refer here.

One funny thing I've confirmed (and something I couldn't post in that site) is that climbing does make you horny. Nope, I didn't exactly fancy anyone from the group (even the one who was the spitting image of someone I dated some time ago) and nope, it wasn't like I wanted to ravage anyone or all of them for that matter (haha, girls included? wouldn't people like it). But really, I was horny. Dang horny. As in seeping wet in my shorts wet and horny.


Sigh.

SEXUAL FANTASY

Do it with a lawyer.

More than that, do it with an officemate lawyer that I only really noticed this afternoon (for pexers, see my post at the Sexual Fantasies thread).

Promise, while I was sitting there, supposedly taking down the minutes of the meeting, I was absolutely, absolutely wondering how I could not have noticed him before. And to think I talked to him before the meeting. Why did I never date him? (well, if he's married, lolz, that's the answer I guess) But really, how could I have missed him?

Felt so bad that I forgot the meeting today and super dressed down. Who would be seduced by a girl in jeans and and a t-shirt and a blue blazer? Arrggh, should really have worn a skirt today. And bloody hell, did he even smell my delectable vanilla scent? Did he even notice me? Arrghh.... promise, I want him in my bed.

Of course, it's not like it's ever going to happen... esply since I really don't want to be bare-legged and sweaty with anyone from the same agency. And most probabaly, he IS married (few men in the building remain single, and if they do, half of them are gay). But am just sooo happy and at the same time frustrated that it took me 3 f*cking years before fantasizing about someone (uhm, my port manager crush not included...hehe... besides, the PM has a heart problem, so even fantasies of him are limited to not-so-exhausting activities).

Awww shucks, he was just so tall, and slim, and shaved head, and long-fingered... And he was wearing glasses... And chances are, he's intelligent enough... And he's moreno. And I kept on imagining and imagining kissing him passionately while my insides tumble over and everything in my body gets stimulated (nipples erect, check ~ oh ok, i won't continue with this line of thought anymore).

Sigh. I feel sooo deprived of fun right now.

A woman is like your shadow
Follow her and she flies
Fly from her, and she follows

- something I got from komiks, way, way back in Grade 6

conversation thru text messaging:

bestfriend (BF): guess who i was with last nyt
me: err, was with as in date..or was with as in sex? cno? c ____ (name of a former barkada who she was flirting w/ dati)
BF: it was a group date, then sex after, pero nde orgy ha!
me: which group did u go out w/? do i know them? how was it? sis, ingat ka lang ha, you don't use condoms pa naman
BF: nde nga sabi orgy eh, guess who?
me: gaga, sabi mo group date, so i was asking who was in the group, asus! cno nga ba? c ___, ____, ____ (names of former barkadas and her ex) o c _____ (name of my former and greatest crush)?
BF: gaga, forget mo na naman infatuation mo sa kanya (i hope). dati mo crush. Bad ko no?
me: lolz, so c ____ nga? gaga ka, selos ako, i never even got to kiss him. So how was he? Details pls, its the least u can do...hehehehe
BF: ol i can say is he's totally different, mataba pero cute pa din, agressive, dami ko marks kaya absent ako today
me: marks wer? and totally different how?
BF: marks sa neck, back, arm...diff sa looks and bad na sha
me: are u gonna f*ck him again? or is there romance brewing? sis, kwento talaga pls...kung nde, hihingi ako ng 3some!!! lolz, nde dali kwento ka, kinikilig ako eh
BF: I dunno, U know how 1 nyt stands are, I dont know wat im gonna do with this marks!
me: ay, i shud hev asked pala whether u loved doing it w/ him, if he was a great lover, if he made u come many tyms, and if u enjoyed him
BF: actuali i think he's good pero lasing sha eh pero he performs well kahit i didnt come
me: gaga, how can u say he performs well if u didnt come? eh wat makes u come ba? or rather, hu alone makes u come? hehe

(will continue if she texts back)

Am sooo bloody inggit. See, I never dated anyone from high school. My bf then was not a schoolmate and all my crushes were just dreams. To think our peer group was composed of the Boy Scouts plus some girls. And so, I always get kilig when I hear of a schoolmate dating another one, or ending up w/ a schoolmate, or doing a batchmate....hehehehe...

am weird

anyway, so...what's my bf going to do with her marks?

my Haldir
Haldir: forest
Haldir: wallpaper
Haldir: perfect face
Haldir: kissable lips

i've confirmed that he died in LOTR:TTT...and found out also that he was just noticed now, and fans are falling in love...sigh...in loving, drooling memory of him :)

" I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times,
in life after life, in age after age forever."
~Rabindranath Tagore~

when I get married, this should be how things would be....

I was trying to post the pic that launched a thousand calls and 2-day death threats from a guy... (partida, am not even naked there yet!) but both PhotoIsland and Yahoo hate my face...ahihihi

Weird thought I thought while asking for some updates re some matters from a manager who once propositioned me:

"Sir, alam kong kaya ko kayong angkinin.. ang tanong, nde naman kaya kayo atakihin?"

Promise, he's not the manager I have a crush on (coz my crush is already suffering from a heart ailment so a heart attack, if ever he gets to be with me is already a given)

You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal blue water, near the sea is where you belong.

hmm..pwede... :)


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

naks...sabi na.....15% lesbian nga!

(Chel, the things i pick up from your vlog...tsk, tsk, tsk)

Eating at our office canteen brings one back to the collective unconscious of his ancestors’ caveman days.

Promise!

When I line up for the food (you know, like the way you do in prisons) and scan the available viands, or when I finally sit to eat what I’ve chosen, I cannot help but think that those who operate the canteen cut the meat in big chunks because:

1) They are trying to live up to the port area workers in us, and believe that even office workers (you know, those who graduated with honors and work with computers and are taking up their masters/doctorate degree) eat like stevedores, or possess ape-like jaws

Or

2) It’s actually a scheme to ensure none of us will actually finish off our food so they would have something to sell to those with dogs in our agency (well, the meat cuts are more appropriate for dogs anyway)

I understand that in a sense, people are canine beings (check doggy position, oops, err… types of teeth I mean) but our canteen really sucks!!!

Golly!

tentatively, for the next 2-3 years

I will be spending most of my weekends from January to May camping, climbing, training, sleeping, meeting friends, spending time with family and going dancing. (in lieu of camping, I may have to forego volunteerism in an NGO and just make up through the outreach programs/medical missions of my mountaineering group)

I will focus on saving money for camping and gear, aside from dancing gimmicks.

I will be spending weekdays chatting and working... and probably travelling (if we're to follow our P&P here at work)

And harassing my uncle in the US for the status of err... a dream's fulfillment.

And finally go abroad... even as a refugee in Malaysia or wherever (I need a stamp on my passport for me to achieve Nirvana, pramis!!)

Read more classics (why did I stop anyway? I promised i'd complete the Bronte siblings and Shakespeare.. tsk, tsk)

Finally buy myself a little black dress...

I hope to be engaging in purely carnal activities in between. (hmm...shall I move this at the top of this list?)

And get married on Dec 2004 to a guy who adores me and will provide for me and has a prime lot in Bohol where we can settle down. I will go back to school and just get financial sustenance from the hubby (for I will be a housewife too)

And I hope to stop consuming a block and a half of white chocolate in one sitting. (but donations are uhm, entirely appreciated)

sharing.... stuff I included in my 'project' (the compilation of all my compositions up to Dec 2001)

NGO Journal Entry dated May 15, 1999

"Love begins with dreaming..."

You all know that there's this guy at the office who tried driving me crazy --- in the name of love?

you also know that i liked this guy (other guy, i mean) but he likes somebody else.

and well for a time there i thought i've actually fallen in love again...only it doesn't feel that way anymore.

oh, i like the guy. in fact i like him very much. He's nice, he's sweet, he's ambitious, he's responsible --- he also makes me smile. Things i'd really want my next bf to possess.

but i know that the deal about envying Laurie's and Jane's pain made me 'fall' too soon. And the fear of getting used to being single. And the hurry for intimacy again, lest i shrink from it forever.

all these converged into...this, and i only got hurt for no other reason but to learn - yet again - to be secure in myself.

oh, i will always like E...And there will always be that secret dream of a right time for us. Then again, i got so interested too soon --- a mistake i hope i'll avoid making come next guy.

so, learnings...
1. be patient - don't push things that only crumble when pressured
2. be open - to God's plan
3. live in the present - not your future fears
4. be lovable and loving - and you shall be loved

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
nothing you can say
will ever be excuse enough
to make a truth a lie
no rationalization of distance
or difference
or non-guarantees
can ever make a fiction of a fact
"i love you
i just really love you
whether you choose and work
to be with me or not"

(poem made 05-04-2001)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

BIRTHDAY WISH
8-18-99
(12:00-12:15 am)

Oh, to be held
Gently, but firmly
To have one whole
Blessed night
In which to feel
Secure
Special
Loved.
To be in the arms
Of someone
Who values you
As much as
You value yourself;
To be able to talk
And say anything
Without reservation,
And without fear
Of being judged;
To feel in every touch,
In every sweet caress
That it’s okay to let down
Your defenses,
And know
That you will not
Be let down;
To be silent with a loved one
And yet, speak volumes
In every breath
To be able to cry
And be assured
That every teardrop shed
Will be wiped away
For you;
To suffer gladly
Tender kisses
On your hair,
On your lips;
To believe
For one moment
In eternity;
To smile, and look into
Your loved one’s eyes,
And know you’re home…
That is intimacy.
That is making love.

Oh, to feel the heaven
Of two bodies
And two souls
Merging,
To just be.
For a night, to just be.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
i think...am the one jumping on the Valentine mushy bandwagon.... ughh..... yuck!!! (but it's good to remind yourself of things you thought once, ryt? ergo, diary)

I am soooo excited. I met with people who will, in their collective effort, help me achieve/realize a dream.

Now, all I need is a tent, a more hi-tech camera, a sleeping bag, hiking shoes, discman/mp3 player, outdoor clothes (you know, long shorts that won't stifle, burn, cramp, etc. and cool shirts).

And if any of you want to donate to my dream, it'd be very much appreciated. Lolz...

(pramis, in times when I need money to finance something I'm passionate about, I really sometimes wish I'm not as moral as I am... so I could just flash/spread my legs, sway my hips and wink my eyes....and tada, moolah!!!)

There I was, standing and feeling lost... feeling worse than that. I was feeling ashamed. My hands felt clammy, felt I was going deaf, my knees wobbly... getting dizzy...

Add to this the insane feeling that everybody knows the truth... and that they're laughing behind my back...

And in the midst of the self-embarrassment... I still went around and around the place, trying to make a sense of something that should have come easy for me...

Honest to goodness, I tried to think...i tried to figure out what was being asked of me... but there was no assistance from a kind stranger at all... No face was looking at me, ready to help..or at least answer my silent questions...

For the second time this week, I knew I would cry...

They really should have taught How to Bet in the Lotto in school... and what the hell is 5 Lucky Pick!!!

YOU MUST BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD

sounds fair to me...

woman has sex with man
(regardless of whether it's casual or an offshoot of a relationship,
legit or illicit)

woman enjoys sex with man
man, of course, enjoys sex with woman
they have sex again and again
they enjoy sex together, again and again
then, woman feels she's not in the mood for sex
man persists that he can change her mind
woman has sex with man
she enjoys sex with man, but not as much as before
part of woman gets unhappy to know that
she only gave in to man's wishes
woman is still not in the mood for sex
but woman likes man, maybe even misses man
(and if in a relationship, loves man and seeks his companionship)
woman makes it clear to man that
she's not in the mood for sex
man tells her that she need not see him if she's not in the mood
woman feels that all man wants is for her to spread legs for man
woman says how she feels
man suggests woman is not ok
man suggests woman is too down or depressed
man may even think there's some other man
(and in case of relationship, man may think
woman doesn't love man anymore)
and yet, all woman wants is comfort
without playing the whore
and woman is amenable to man's company
without having to perform
or please, or give in
woman wonders how she's been reduced
to just a hole
or whether all men
in their heart of hearts
just need/want woman for their holes
so, should woman have sex with man again?
i guess so
but only when she's in the mood again
or, woman should try other women
maybe another woman won't be so crass
then again, woman has heard of stories
of other women doing the same
woman therefore thinks
maybe chastity and celibacy
is not overrated after all
(and if man is woman's husband
at least woman can throw pans at him
for irritating woman so)

how does woman feel now?
sleepy

libet (a friend) asks me over YM
how do you keep meeting sick guys?

my answer was
I have no idea, sis

a bad answer would have been
err...they unconsciously turn me on?

another acceptable answer would have been
because I chat?

a philosophical answer would have been
I believe I attract sick guys because I have something to learn from them or that they have something to teach me about living, loving and learning...

another acceptable answer would have been
Sis, don't opposites attract? These sick guys are basically attracted to me bacause I'm so sane, grounded, focused, centered and at peace... something they aren't! (ok, no raised brows please!)

another acceptable/philosophical answer would have been
Uhm, perhaps it's their time to finally go over the edge and i'm meeting them to help them accomplish their life's purpose?

the answer should have been
Duh, am sexy kaya.... which warm-blooded male won't get sick with animal lust after meeting me ba?

(this is what happens when the boss you consider a trifle kadiri... uses your mug and thus, you don't get to drink hot chocolate coz the appetite for it was lost)

syempre, I can't work....too sleepy...

Mec, how do you want your men?
trimmed and yet, going down on them is a privilege for them (not an honor for me) and they have to earn that first.. hopefully, their pecker will be a lot bigger and thicker than my pinky finger too (oh and yeah, circumcised)

Mec, do you like teasing/seducing guys?
nope. It's either am wanted or not. If am not wanted, then am not wanted. If am wanted, then, it won't really be seduction anymore, ryt? (i've always had this nagging suspicion that only a few men will totally not want me because they're naturally lustful of women, and last time i checked, am still very much a woman.. plus, I smell nice, has got a cute enuff bod and uhm...is wise to the err.. ways of the bedroom...add my muscle control capabilities, ability to really get wet and multiply orgasm...uhm..err..hihihihi...you get the picture)

Mec, why are you so preoccupied with sex?
Actually, i'm not. But am ok with discussing it. And it's one topic I can contribute to...other things I have a lot of ideas about are Death, Psychology and Relationships...but who really wants to discuss anything so serious or morbid? Plus, being a repro health counselor trained me to treat sex questions w/o gasping, blushing and getting shocked. Just imagine how a counselee would feel if he saw you uncomfy with the words vagina, penis, f*ck, etc..

Does this mean you may be conservative too?
Definitely! I cringe at the thought of engaging in anal sex, or joining orgies. I haven't even done it in the fitting room in some mall, or at the beach, or anywhere public. I mean, by golly, the most exhibitionistic i've gotten is providing fodder to our neighbors' fantasies and uhm... going to Makati wearing a dress sans panties (that isn't even exhibitionistic ryt? I mean, how would all the yuppies there know that just one wrong spread of my legs eh they'd see heaven?)

How sexually active are you?
Right now? Not very much. I'm limited by my uhm.. limitations. Lolz... But I used to be the perfect b!tch, always in heat and raring to go. Maybe that lessens with age. Maybe, by the time I hit 30, i'd decide to become a nun. Sex would...by then...be sooo boring and un-appetizing for me. (hey, weirder things have happened)

And why are you posting this?
Err..am frustrated. My officemates started talking about women as sex toys and sex positions and I had to bite my tongue lest I reveal how more aware of moan zones and sexperiences at its finest I am compared to them (and they're married). I keep telling you guys, I am so repressed!!!

still sleepy..... wish I won't be anymore so my mind will be active... and dynamic... and productive...

advance Valentine mushiness:

"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt."

....aptly says why I have decided to remain single for so long. I want to give my next partner all the best that I have, and I don't want him shortchanged because of personal demons and unresolved issues and unfinished businesses that I may have.

I want to enter my next relationship with really open arms and a really hopeful, innocent, faithful heart. What would be the sense of being with the man of your dreams only to give him parts of you and not the whole parcel? And where is the wisdom of building a relationship where there is no readiness and surrender on your part? And, what is the point of saying I LOVE YOU again, and still not meaning (or shooting for) forever?

"What's the world's greatest lie?" the boy asked, completely surprised. "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for forty days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.

Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man's attention.

The wise man listened attentively to the boy's explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn't have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.

"Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something," said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. "As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill."

The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.

"Well," asked the wise man, "did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?"

The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.

"Then go back and observe the marvels of my world," said the wise man. "You cannot trust a man if you don't know his house."

"Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.

"But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?" asked the wise man.

Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.

"Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you," said the wisest of wise man. "The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon."


- The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

my 6 year old niece, Ela, was calling me... when i saw her mom's number has miscalled, I got worried that something might be wrong with my baby. She just misses me pala :)

*~*~*~*~*~

met with my old pexer gang (i say old because we're to celebrate 3 years of togetherness this year)... sigh, I missed them so. Weird, none of us have gotten married in all that time, tho there are two planning such soon... Yayin insists on being a bridesmaid... (i've only been a bridesmaid once...hmmpf!); MJ n Rhonna both believe its their destiny to own a 6100; Mickee brought along an equally crazy friend and trina brought her baby pics along. None of us are getting slimmer. All of us are still crazy.

by the way, was telling them that i enjoyed Spirit Warriors (honest, I wanted to become a Babaylan after watching the movie with my cousins last Sunday) when all of a sudden, I see Danilo and Bong irl... weird... never felt more... err... jologs?

on the way home, I passed by this Bingo Convenience Store and saw this girl sitting somewhere beside the store. She was approached by a guy. The guy took her hand and she stood up being assisted by the guy (by the held hand). Just found it tooo sweet and old-fashioned.

*~*~*~*~*~

Anche once told me that he feels the word MENTOR (which I now define as someone who inspires you to be a better you) is just TORMENT spelled weirdly.

What Kind of FLIRT are you?
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err....am i not a tease?

Internet ALCHEMIST told me to....

shine on my loved ones and give them all the nurturing and protection I can
and that I, not others, influence my reality...and to record my dreams
and that cool emotional detachment is necessary now..and to re-connect later
and that I should trust intuition on my path for beauty overwhelmes...

(by the way, am a FIRE SNAKE..and i should avoid burial places daw)

and so you weep
for an unborn child
who, in the first place
you did not want
yet, you loved him
and dreamed
dreams for him
in the midst of
all the confusion
and unpreparedness
God must have thought it better
to give you more time
to prepare yourself
for His gift
i believe He loved you
and your child, so much
that He postponed for a while
your meeting
but you, my darling
blamed yourself
for what was unplanned
and your very human reaction
to a thing unknown
and you shed tears
and mourn
for what never was
and never could be
you ache
longing for his little hands
to reach out to yours
yearning for his cries
and laughter
but, things are just
as it should be
the short span of life
that he lived
was all that it took
to bring you God's message
of love...

You, who was scared
and who fretted years ago
can do this
are made for this!
you never needed to question
your capacity to care
and nurture
and give
for...like that unborn child
that haunts you sometimes
You too were made in His love
You too are on your way to
changing a life...

Parenthood will come soon...

Mec 5-04-2001

i wanted a sad poem to ease my troubled spirit....

senti-ness

"Funny, I don't feel the love
I just hear the words..."

- Julia Says

(love these lines.... my college friend once dedicated these lines to her then bf... lolz, and they're still together up to now...)

See, I cannot make you proud
Of big things I can do
I don’t have great accomplishments
Am just really willing to love you


- line from a poem I once wrote

(not that I want to be as sad or lost as I was before, but i've come to realize that being in touch with yourself requires a certain degree of pain and desperation)

Lately I see clouds of sorrow in your eyes
Some deep sadness you can never quite disguise
Now I'm scared to ask what it's leading to
But I'm more afraid of not asking you

Is there something that you want to tell me
Is there something that I ought to know
Are we something that's still worth fighting for
Or should I simply let you go
Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history
I'll find some way to convince you to stay
If you just tell me honestly
Is there something left of you and me

You've got secrets you've been keeping for too long
And I'm going crazy acting like there's nothing wrong
I can taste the truth every time we kiss
And I can't go on
At least not like this

I don't want to lose you
But what's the use of holding on
I don't really have you
If the feeling's gone

Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history
If there's no way to convince you to stay
And be the way we used to be
Then there's something that I want to tell you
And I want you to believe it's true
We had something that I'll never forget
Even if I wanted to
'Cause part of me will always be with you

sang that at Dreamtown....of course, off-key...goes out to someone who...well....you should know who you are

====================

i bought this cute top for a pantulog but since it's ribbon got partly detached, i had to remove them completely.... now I look like this woman waiting/wanting to show my breasts and be suckled...

2 Things I didn't like this week

One
Happiness was the first that came to mind when I found out that my brother's gf was pregnant. After all, it meant we're gonna have a baby in the house, finally! Then, it later sunk that i'd feel a little jealous because it wouldn't be my child that would be first to experience the overflowing and long-overdue affection from anticipating and waiting-to-be grandparents. But.. I reasoned, maybe this is what would heal my brother's issue about me (as th eldest) being the favored child. Besides, I already love the child even if I don't care much about its mother (we don't really know my brother's gf... she just sleeps here sometimes) or its father (he has greatly stressed me and caused problems in the family).

Then it started occurring to me... that my brother doesn't really love his gf. Sure, he cares for her. But he doesn't love her. How else can he lie to her about already having told our parents about the baby? And why does he insist on coming home late and turning his cell off? And why wasn't he a little bit concerned that his gf felt ill the other night (while I was panicking on what to do)? And since i've always known that there is a girl he really wishes he'd have (a girl who's working abroad). And I'm torn on whether I should do something to prevent their marriage (since chances are, it's what the girl's parents are going to ask from my parents). My brother reminds me very much of a close cousin who got someone pregnant and wouldn't even take care or hold his first baby. And I feel bad for my pamangkin, that his father couldn't have been a better man.

Two
MY Mom just got home and told me if I know this guy from Lipa. Turned out, my first real boyfriend (of two years) back when I was still in high school, tried to commit suicide. He was only saved becase someone found him (in time) hanging from a tree. I'm still in shock and i'm still very sad because he had to resort to such an act of....cowardice and failure. I want to talk to him. I think he may need to talk to me. And I worry that if he doesn't talk to someone, he might find himself hanging by the end of his rope again (no pun intended). And i'm sorry for the woman he married (a former Ate who seduced him from me using her body and her age) and his two kids. And as much as I have a pretty good idea on what led him to such a state of mind (rumors in the barrio fly high)... I'm still in shock. He's the first person in my life that I loved and cared about that did such a thing. Arrgghh..... I don't know what to think.

And i've forgiven him na for two-timing me before. And I thank him for still loving me somehow after all these years. And i'm thankful that he's chenged for the better for his family. And had he died, i'd always be haunted by our last meeting (it wasn't that significant, save for it being the last).

Am still in shock!

My aunt allowed herself to be a mistress. She also allowed herself to be swept away from relatives to settle in General Santos City and raise her five kids there (10, if none miscarried or died). She reached 5 kids to give my uncle a son. You can have her hunted for your crime and still be forgiven by her. You can raise your voice at her and call her names...and hours later, borrow money from her (if she has any to give). You can enroll your child in the school she manages without paying the tuition fee. You can have her cook what you want to eat without complaining. You can always have her last cent. Some may call her weak. Some may call her too good..or too nice...or too lenient. Some may call her a pushover.

We've always despaired about how she's letting others use her and abuse her kindness.

And yet...when I was playing this icebreaker-kind-of-game with my sister and 3 of her daughters...I was humbled.

It was just a silly card game where you pick one and either answer the question or complete the sentence written in the card. Tin-tin picked one and I read it for her to answer.

"You would be the happiest person on earth if your kid will turn out to be _____ " to which she answered "Like Mama".

Later on, Daye picked a card which said "The description of a perfect woman is _____" ....... to which she also answered "Mama".

That was touching and real eye-opening for me. These teenage kids know that their Mom has sinned according to the Church they follow. They have had troubling times wherein they had to eat once a day only (being far away from us, we never knew... my aunt had pride too). Their lives have been several times troubled by the police brought to their doors by people who have swindled other people and left their mother's name as a home address. My aunt wasn't even able to deliver her birthday promise of a cellphone for Tin-tin's debut (and yet she was able to finance the travel fare of my two other cousins...w/c cost the same). And yet, she is PERFECT for her kids. And despite all those things we have always perceived as her weaknesses.... she's the only person right now who I know for a fact to be adored by her children. Completely looked up to.

How many kids will answer in the same way? How many people nowadays hold their parents in as high a regard?

And I really wish I can be that kind of mother...and not inspire bitterness and hostility from my own children when I commit mistakes.

I admit, it's been decades since I adored my parents. So, I also wish its not yet too late to be that kind of a child, who will not hold it against her parents their weaknesses and limitations.

And again, I am humbled. And from now on, I will be better.

weird thoughts for the day
Tempting me is bad for anyone's knees. Exciting me, bad for their peace of mind.

And I will continue to improve and improvise.

(I am sooo sleepy...thoughts on my favorite aunt later)

uhm...what could that be?

MEC: A Virtuous Woman

Since I cannot sleep, I was reminded of a recent intelligent conversation I had with a friend.

I also realized that I am more virtuous than a lot of women out there in the sense that.... When I say I love you to a man, it is not because he was the only man who will have me, or the only man who respected me or gave me the time of day...but because I did love him, borne out of a choice and not out of a need. When I commit to a man, it's not because I fear losing him to other girls or because I believe no one else will knock on my door....but because I only choose to love a man who deserves nothing but the highest from me. There is no virtue in believing you have no other options.

And it's such a sad thing when a man mistakes ignorance for innocence in a woman. And a sadder thing when a man would rather pick a girl who does not know how to party and call her virtuous just because she has not been around much. I am no slut and I also do not like women who treat themselves as cheap commodities....but I pride myself, and I hope my future man will think the same, with the fact that I have kept my self-respect in moments where others would have discarded theirs...and have practiced self-discipline where others would have been tempted.

And to my male friends....surely you deserve better than winning a woman who do not even attract other men? And how can you even say that a certain woman chose you when it doesn't seem like you're much of a choice by reason of lack of competitors? And isn't it sweeter to know that she chose you among all other men...and remains faithful to you despite all other men?

Ah basta, am virtuous. And no one can convince me otherwise.

(aside: ang cute-cute pala ng boobs ko....pramis!!! and am not just saying that kasi they're mine and by virtue of self-love. Basta...ang cute ng roundness nila, yung firmness nila...tas yung nipples nila..basta.....ang cute-cute nila....)

...i guess the meeting of the minds, hearts and souls I've been longing for (which has happened once) will not be happening today....

but it may happen tomorrow....after all, who knows what tomorrow could bring? today brought me a baby to be born in June...so who knows, right?

am just real happy today...in spite of and because of all the things that have happened to me

Happy Birthday Anche
Happy Birthday Trina
Happy Birthday Jean

And I'll remember you
the dreams we could of dreamed
the tears I should have seen
we use to say forever
but I'll remember you
your pure and simple heart
your shadows painted dark
I will always love you
I'll remember you


heard this song again on the radio.....am really closer to my last goodbye (is there such a thing) to who I believed was my greatest love....

anyway, to cap off the year that has passed....and all other milestones and thresholds i've crossed......

The Journey
By: Lea Salonga

Half the world is sleeping
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their heart beat
Half can hear them break

I am but a traveller
In most every way
Ask me what you want to know

Chorus:
What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where are we tomorrow
I can only guess
Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow
Forward always forward I go

Repeat Chorus

Forward always forward
Onward always up
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

Repeat Chorus:

What a journey it has been

err..ok, ok....buying that torotot and having Mom almost split my ear..may not have been that good an idea...

anyway, finished THE ALCHEMIST last Dec. 29....nice read indeed!

For this new year

I hope to become a
- more cheerful giver
- better lover
- passionate climber
- serious drug-dependent counselor and training facilitator on the side
- more loving daughter, sister, aunt, cousin
- person of stronger faith
- more confident woman
- more sensual woman
- TAKEN woman
- more graceful dancer
- more professional and loyal government civil servant
- better manager of my resources
- sexier, fitter sex goddess (lolz...my allergies are making me loco)
- naughtier person

Happy Year of the Goat peeps...may people who are confused finally find peace :)

The great thing in the world is not
so much where we stand,
as in what direction we are moving

Met 3 of my college friends...we had dinner at Chef d' Angelo (golly, the carbonara!), exchanged gifts at Starbucks (I got The Alchemist book) and went to the Boardwalk in Luneta (yes, after 4 years of college near Luneta, it had to take us some 4 years after graduation before going there to hang out). I bought this bubbles thingie for P10.00 (when you can buy a dozen of the same for only P35.00 in Divisoria) and while we talked about love, relationships, old times, dream weddings, politics, career pathing and women empowerment...i huffed and i puffed and blew my brains out

One nice thing gleaned from this year's gathering is that....all 3 of them told me that they still kept those mushy notes and inspirational quotes I used to make for them or share with them before. One even said that she posted this poem I made and that someone in their faculty was impressed with it. Of course, that person also commented that my poem was a sad one.

Which brings me to here and now... I am still that child who made that poem after having cried year after year... but I am not anymore that person who was constantly depressed. Proof? I still cannot make any poems even with the 2 deaths in my life the week before Christmas.

I congratulate myself for having taken the task of allowing myself to be happy. And I know I am becoming happier. And is there any better goal?

Be not simply good, be good for something

Aside from hoping that I would become a mountaineer....I'm also hoping to become a really good volunteer again. The two years I was away from social service were necessary because I had to be selfish for awhile and nurture/pamper myself for awhile. Now I have something I can give away again because I am more solid. I am more centered. And a part of me is seeking to be given away too. The most educational time of my life was when I was serving voluntarily and touching lives of people who needed someone to care. Hmmm... come year 2003, i'd be singing I will be here again...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

by the way....all four of us, who graduated with honors and have thriving careers....pretty much successful, empowered, confident women....vow to be housewives to raise our kids ourselves....

it was often said that the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world....funny how we all felt it's about time the rocking of the cradle be done again by the people who will most love our children and have the most to teach them.....none other than their mothers

another thing picked up from other people's blogs......and like what I commented to Chel...I only picked the bedroom answer because it was where the white chocolate is waiting to be eaten...golly...


You are the seductress pin-up! You are self-explanatory. You slut!

What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
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Guys, if i die anytime soon.....
i'm hoping lang na all those who I've told I LOVE YOU to will believe it forever....
i've never used the words lightly....

.....And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect....

it's been way too long overdue

a wise one once said......

Go back to old watering holes
Friends are there to meet you...

I am attending a reunion tonight...with the friends who have helped shape me, my confidence, my dreams, my passions

(am sure, they're gonna bombard me with sex questions again...story of my life)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

http://superchc.uhome.net/ring/comeout.htm

something i picked up off other people's blogs



What Was Your PastLife?

really, I was hoping for a courtesan :)

I have this thing with keys....although I don't necessarily surround myself with their pictures. I bought this gold plated bracelet with keys and padlocks for charms... then for Christmas I was given this necklace with a key for a pendant (wearing it now) and silver key earrings.

sigh..if ever i get reincarnated...I wanna come back as a keyhole :)

time flies when you're having sex....

actually... even your sanity flies away... or good judgement.... or values.... or misgivings.... or inhibitions....

CHRISTMAS MOMENTS

Baby Ela loved the dollhouse I gave her. Told her Mom that she's always been mature for her years and that I just know she's not going to grow up a bitter, rebellious child. She's an old soul. And I love that she still loves her father who owed her a lot of fatherly loving and attention. Happy 6th birthday to her on the 29th.

I borrowed a really beautiful Bonita (see picture of baby below) from her Mom at 1:30 pm yesterday. They didn't get her from us till past 7:30 pm. All afternoon, my sister and Dad just doted on the girl, fed her stuff, played with her, performed antics to make her laugh, changed her diaper, consoled her when she cried and lulled her to sleep. I just know our home is lacking it's own grandchild.

KC just had to sing with the videoke songs. He also had to really render the mic unsuitable for other family mebers to use due to drool. He also had to spit-blow on the wand of the bubbles...and totally mess up the floor...and then drool over Karylle.

If I gave my nieces and nephews Christmas money and gifts, how come I also got delegated the task of shouldering their Entrance Fees/Ride-All-You-Can eks to Enchanted Kingdom when we go this weekend?

Kyle, my supposedly beloved nephew, my godson, the one who....when he turned one, had his first hair cut by me, and had some of my hair joined to his in a book, to ensure intelligence, in the spirit of tradition and superstition...is a pain in the arse! I can understand the psychological effect having cousins and two younger siblings suddenly take away the limelight from him, but he is just sooooo sutil that he has stopped being endearing.

My favorite tita, the one who sired almost 10 kids and only had 5 of them live (she always gets twins), my Mom's youngest sister, has this possibility of getting really rich by next year. I hope things work out well for her so she can buy a house and car for her family and spend more days together with them. It's so sad for moms to be separated from their kids while the kids are still growing up.

My sister gave me this cool, sexy black top. Sigh...she just really knows what works for my bod!

I got a compass from a person who knows that I am a traveller of life, and that I have gotten lost many, many times. It's not only symbolic for me.....it woudl also be useful once I really tackle becoming a mountain climber.

What is it with bubbles anyway that kids love it...and i am still left in awe of it?

Discussed a jerk of a cousin with my aunt and uncle. Am real sorry, but a person who do not even have the decency to do the right thing and see his own parent buried....deserves to be disowned. So, even if I would always care for him, I vow to never have anything to do with him again. Lack of respect is lack of respect; family is family......no matter what your religion is.

Despite deaths of people I loved in my adult life so close to Christmas, I realized yet again how I love having a family so big, with all of us involved in each other's lives.

My parents' most favored gift was a wall clock with our 1998 family picture for a background.

I lost all ambition to be this naughty, party girl in the confusion of gift-buying and Christmas-planning/spending. Wonder when i'd take up that goal again.

I hope I gave love this Christmas day

RANDOM THOUGHTS
UGLY THOUGHTS
SAD THOUGHTS
BAD THOUGHTS

Mom cried a little...she just got back from her brother's wake. Also just finished e-mailing sister and cousins. She was also telling me about my cousin's birthday celebration which they held with the wake (he turned 7 years old) when she also remembered that her youngest brother wouldn't even give some money to a cousin (the youngest of the deceased brother who had to travel from General Santos City pa) to add to her travel fare back home. This hurts Mom, I think, because not only has she and other siblings spent the last of their money (aside from borrowing some more) for this unexpected 'event', but because it always hurts that someone of your own blood simply do not care.

It's also hard to realize yet again that it's not how much you have that counts, but your willingness to give. And that his brother isn't willing also suggests that in the near future, the same apathy.....may show itself again when other siblings/relatives pass away.

And my Mom, I know, is just so tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've always wanted shots of my body parts....and now I feel i've waited too long to have them...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been seriously neglecting and hurting someone who truly cares about me.... maybe because of my own limitations as a human being... maybe because I do owe some things to myself first.... maybe because there is a right time and place for us to fully re-connect....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My officemate died last saturday....while I was telling a certain pexer of how I wish to have friends like her, of how I'm gonna miss her... etc. This has actually deeply troubled me and has totally destroyed my Holiday spirits. I feel, when I go home to Lipa tom....I would be just holding my babies and getting scared that I'd be taken away too soon from loved ones.

Anyway...the matter has also made me realize that I will not mourn very much for one of my bosses when she dies. After all, I will never forget how she's always tried to paint a bad picture of the one that recently died...

when it was.......so much easier to be a good person when Ate Ene was around....

Oh, God....I will really miss her....is this why I cannot perfect the cathedral windows for the Christmas Party?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who will partake of all the candies we so lovingly wrapped and ribboned in colorful plastic bags...when half my baby cousins and nephews/nieces are in Bicol?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wonder who my real friends are. Ate Ene had friends who would buy her a cellphone so they can easily ask her about her health, who would save up for plane tickets to visit her here in Manila, who would save up their leave credits to spend a week just taking care of her in the hospital, who would rally other friends for scheduled visits and gatherings to cheer her up, who would send money once in awhile (without being asked) or solicit money for her chemotherapy sessions, who would remember her birthdays and Christmases, etc., who remembers to pray for her....

I have often wondered...what has Ate done to them...what has Ate given them...for them to be so supportive and loyal and loving and caring....what is she to them?

And what can I do to be like her? it depresses me to know that I might die without having friends as loving as she has....It drives me to despair if I die without having touched someone's life so greatly....or not to have been someone for somebody....

And through this horrible week.........not one friend has really taken time out to talk to me and hold me.......

And am feeling all kinds of bitter, guilty.........confused.........

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If i die and do not get cremated, meaning, I get buried...I wonder how many worms would eat me....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've always wanted shots of my body parts....and now I feel i've waited too long to have them...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Line from 100 Girls (the movie)

"I'm cursed. I'm ugly...and i'm also very, very smart. No man will feel passion for me"

Only God knows how many times i've felt like this....well, mostly the ugly n' smart

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And there's this recurring thought....what if am not this spunky, witty girl with a relatively cute face and nice body....will guys still be wanting me? Will I ever really be able to win a guy and keep him by just being this nice girl who is sometimes caring, sometimes sweet, sometimes really loving and thoughtful?

And if I was that average........would I also have gottend desperate enough and allow myself to be devalued in the ways most women right now are being devalued?

And if I was a little prettier.....would I have reached the grand old age of 25 without having gotten pregnant?

songs i'm listening to while am online
as of 21 Dec 2002, nyt

still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is the life that I recognize?
gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
and as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So bad.. so, so bad
A poor man lives in happiness
A millionaire evil as he wanna be
A good man going hungry....
Cause of Time and Chance

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Makin love until we drown

Girl you know it feels real good
We can do it til we both wake up
Girl you know I'm hooked on you
And this is what I'll do

I wanna sex you up
Makin' love until we drown
I wanna sex you up

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now, I'm craving your body, is this real
Temperatures rising, I don't want to feel
I'm in the wrong place to be real
Woahh and I'm; longing to love you just for a night,
Kissing and hugging and holding you tight
Please let me love you with all my might

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Grease is the word, is the word that you heard
It's got groove, it's got meaning
Grease is the time, is the place, is the motion
Grease is the way we are feeling

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sometimes I try and
Sometimes I cry
Only love will make me do
what I don’t want to do
Anything you want me to
I will live or die you choose.

...sigh....

THE WORLD DOES NOT STOP FOR YOUR GRIEF

As you rally your relatives over the phone, you will still be disturbed by calls from your sister’s suitor.

As you calm your mother down who’s crying over the phone, talking with a sister several continents away, you will still have neighborhood kids singing carols off-key at your door.

As you wait for precious messages from aunts and uncles for more information, you will still get stupid text messages in your cell phone, encouraging you to join their stupid money-making (well, for them) games.

As you compose e-mails for relatives who are overseas, you will be notified of other incoming e-mails composed of forwarded jokes, chain e-mails and porn. Worse, if your YM is open, you also get offers to cyber sex in the midst of worrying how to word your ‘sad news’ mail.

As you wonder what will happen to the plight of your orphaned relatives, you get delegated the task of making tabs for a report, in 60 copies, and to be distributed the following day.

As you cry inside over the last time you saw that loved one alive, reminiscing on how he cooked for you, or how sweet his voice was when he sang….you also have to listen to your officemate’s recent biopsy…or another officemate’s complaint about a husband…or how a friend’s daughter is making progress.

As you rush over to work, late because you had to make a lot of calls and stand by lest your mother has one of her nervous breakdowns…or as you rush home from work…eager to be there and lend a hand when needed, you get stuck in traffic due to shoppers and merrymakers all hounding the malls of Manila.

And in the midst of booking bus schedules and plane trips, you also have to pick up the brownies, fudgies, banana cakes, etc. you ordered for the supposedly Merry Christmas you’re going to have….and in the midst of making funeral arrangements several provinces away, you also have to wrap your gift to your favorite niece who you also plan to bring to your Christmas party in the office.

And in remembering how the deceased has also lost a wife and son before, and how some of his kids had not seen him for years, you also struggle with the schedules of those he’s leaving behind….the birthday party of a nephew, the court hearing involving a brother, the medical check-up of another brother.

And as you mentally adjust your finances for the coming days, knowing that some party and Christmas favors will have to be adjusted to give way to the funeral costs, a distant cousin visits you to borrow money for their own Noche Buena.

And as you mourn the loss of a loved one, you will still hear corny jokes, green jokes, crazy laughs and tickling conversations.

And if you sometimes feel bitter, you also realize that it wasn’t their loss to bewail…and when their season for grieving has come, it may be that your time of happiness has come again.

this is a picture of a child you cannot kidnap....

err...unless you have Stik-O with you :)

I once said that....PROMISES OF LOVE HAVE NO EXPIRY DATE...

....am beginning to think I was wrong...

A Love Story
by Bullet

Once upon a time there was an island where all the Feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love.

One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the Feelings prepared their boats to leave.

Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?"

Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." "I can't help you", Vanity said, " You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat." Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, " Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."

Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.

Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.

When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder. Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge answered.

"But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered,
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

what if....

i decide today

to not be naughty anymore

and stop teasing boys...

will the world stop, kaya?

+++@ +++@ Scary

Dreamt of my ex....He asked me if he could be my date at our High School reunion....in the dream, he was still married...and yet, he asked to be with me.....This worries me...questions of my being over him cannot help but surface..I try to tell myself that I will always love him...and there would always be this big room in me that will always give him the highest regard, and our time together, the fondest memories....

Besides, his firstborn is due this Christmas week...

+++@ +++@ Pitiful

There is this guy I know who has sweetened my days with wonderful text messages and long conversations over the phone. I only saw him once, and had one chance to kiss him (only, I didn't because I didn't want things to either start or end that way). I wanted to know him more, but he turned weird on me. Fast forward to months after that, he'd remember me sometimes and send sweet messages and I'd respond accordingly. In a way, one cannot help but be fond of him for he can be real endearing. So endearing in fact that he's surrounded himself with many girls to sweet-talk and get weird with. What's worse, he's met a girl who doesn't seem as strong (for the girl has completely fallen for him). And it's so sad, for him to be hurting a lot of potential mates and girl friends this way. And it's sadder when you think that he will never be happy with himself, knowing how much of a LIE he is, and having done all those hideous things with human emotions.

+++@ +++@ Hopeful

I had a dream in childhood that finally found an opportunity to come true. I just want to put in words that I have psyched myself up...that I may need to humble myself in ways I have not imagined....just for things to be fulfilled

+++@ +++@ Embittering

Is there such a word? People have never really had a hand whether they will be born first or last in a family. I didn't want to be born first, and yet I have embraced what being a firstborn child should be. I have always deserved the education I got, and I have never really brought home embarrassing news wherein I featured (that role was left to my brother). And yet, sometimes, I cannot help but think that I can never give enough back to my family...and however grateful my parents might be of how I'm able to help them now...it'd would always be me that had to sacrifice a little (even if I also made all the more responsible choices in life). Both siblings have no obligation at all to give back, but whatever I do will never be enough...

+++@ +++@ Sentimental

It all started with questions posed to our Div. Manager on what she brings for 'pasalubong' to her grandkids in the US. She answered with 'CHOCNUT' and 'JACKSTONES'. That started a reminiscence of childhood games we played....how we've sailed paper botas on flooded streets, picked up sticks, picked up balls from canals while playing football, how many trees we've climbed, how we played 'bahay-bahayan', how we played in the rain and had spiders, salagubangs, etc. compete....how much fun it was to play 1,2,3 or Santacruzan or luksong-tinik or piko or sha-to...

And it saddens me to find the kids now, not in streets or fields, but either at home or some gaming center, facing monitors instead of beating up playmates or running with friends....

MISSY Adventures
“Girls Interrupted"

Backtrack to a year before that horrible party below.

Both girls’ heartbeats quicken as they get into the idea of pleasuring each other. Everything was going slowly, gently. Butterfly kisses were showered as each one caressed the other’s body, their eyes locked in a silent conversation of deep trust and newfound desire.

Missy cannot remember how she ended up in Jan’s arms, her bestfriend since her diaper years. She’s always been in Jan’s bed, and Jan in hers, but never in this way. Her body is tingling with a weakness and a need to suddenly be with her bestfriend.

Jan leaned forward to start licking Missy’s chin with her tongue, the softness of which sent waves and waves of pleasure up and down Missy’s spine. She pushed Jan back down, motioned her to stop, and started nuzzling her neck. Her tongue darted from her plum-colored mouth, drawing circles and finding pleasure in feeling Jan first stiffen, and then moan. Missy is really enjoying this. At the back of her mind she wondered if it’s always this good with girls, or it’s the initial thrill causing the flush that’s spreading all over her body. Jan kissed the corner of Missy’s mouth, teasing it with her tongue while unconsciously enjoying the sweet vanilla smell of Missy. Missy arched her back with the pleasure of it and traces Jan’s lower lip with her fingers. ‘So soft…’

Tantalizingly, Jan kissed Missy, gently exploring the wetness of her mouth by her tongue, darting in places that could not help but elicit moans of pleasure from her playmate of more than two decades. Missy hugged Jan tighter to her, the gentle exploration of each other’s mouths turning into a ravaging expression of passion. Their lips locked, their hands are left to explore each other’s curves, the sinewy muscles of each other’s thighs, the soft mounds of breasts and butts that never incited such a response to them before. Missy gasped and turned so that Jan ended up under her, then, slowly….she lifted up Jan’s blouse to reveal her friend’s huge breasts. Jan has always been bosomy and never wears a bra when she’s home, so Missy was free to discover the sweetness of her friend’s large areolas and taut nipples. Jan shivered and moaned while Missy lost herself in suckling, licking circles around Jan’s nipples only to zero in with a vengeance….teasing them at times as they grow more and more stiff with every caress of the tongue and every pinch of Missy’s soft fingers.

Missy is wet down there, and tells Jan so. Jan giggles a little as she changes position with Missy. With a mischievous grin……Jan goes down to where Missy’s skirt is to hike it up further using only her teeth. Missy starts writhing in bed in sweet anticipation of what Jan will do next when suddenly, the sound of cell phones belting out ‘Dancing Queen’ and ‘Anyone At All’ made them stop.

‘Uh-oh, bf…’, both said and quickly scampered to where their respective cell phones were ringing.

end

NOT TO BE UNFAIR TO GUYS BUT.....

you can all be real jerks sometimes.....

sorry.....a guy who's lied to me so many times had the gall to tell me that 'Some girls aren't worth it'....

and I dunno what's the matter with LIFE, but it's been reminding me this past few days that I have been very, very good, kind, forgiving, accommodating, patient, etc. with some really big-time jerks...

sigh....

magkahawak ang ating kamay
at walang kamalay-malay
na tinuruan mo ang puso ko
na umibig na tunay

Heard this song again on MYX..and tho i've never really been a fan of E'Heads...i've always loved this particular song....

...reminds me of the perfect picture of love for me...two people holding hands....touching where they are most sensitive...(hopefully, to each other's needs, desires, dreams)

yeah, yeah...........am senti....still too lazy to write about naughty, senseless stuff to delight other people with and provide fodder to gossip eh

You better watch out
For what you wish for
It better be worth it
So much to die for


Bought a camping backpack na....may I have the strength to carry it once it has things inside na :D

MISSY Adventures
“Seven already!”

Missy surveys the surrounding as she enters the disco place. ‘Cool’, she thinks to herself, ‘I know most of the people here.’ It was a dance party being thrown by their online community. Kyla, the friend she came with, was already getting in the act of interesting the guys who were checking them out. Missy orders iced tea from the roving waiter, gives him a smile as he goes, and turns in time to come face-to-face with Mark’s chest.

Mark is the latest guy to woo her. She has met him a couple of times already but it was only lately that he’s showed real interest in her. Of course, Missy smiles bitterly, she also knows that the attraction is mostly physical. Anyway, Missy goes through the usual ‘Hi’ and ‘What’s keeping you busy?’ before moving on to say hello to the others at the party. Walking past some clique comprised mostly of nerdy-looking guys and chubby chicks, Missy wonders if the night will find her in bed with Mark for the first time…

Kyla manages to catch Missy after several minutes of mingling and drags her to the dance floor. Kyla already had the hots for a certain guy she saw at the bar and thus intent on dancing her way to creating an impression. Missy cannot help but smile fondly at her friend, who is actually a very good dancer. Soon, both girls were joined by others. Missy starts to relax and really get into the groove when all of a sudden, the weirdest thing…..unfolded.

There was a group of guys hanging out at the corner of the venue, most of whom started joining them. Much to Missy’s surprise, she realized that she has slept with five of them already. Shocked by the realization, she excused herself and went back to their table, only to be joined by Dalton. While sipping her iced tea and faking warmth, Missy suffered a conversation with Dalton, smiling and nodding at the right places while memories and flashbacks go through her mind. ‘Gosh, I just hope he’s not in love with me anymore’, Missy thinks.

To avoid further eye contact, especially since she’s starting to get convinced that Dalton has not fully recovered yet from his infatuation, Missy checked her cell phone to realize that a former FuBu is joining them at the party. To make matters weirder, or worse, Jake is going with Rocky (the last guy to have graced her bed). Missy starts to panic inside. She doesn’t know what to think or do.

Leaving Dalton to sweet talk some other girl, Missy goes back to the dance floor, intending to stay there and avoid any real encounters with any of the guys she’s been with. The bad thing was, she’s the one that ended almost all of the affairs. The worse thing was, all of these guys, in a really unexplainable way, still like her…still want her….still fantasize and crave for her.....and they’ve also always tried to entice her again with promises of pampering and earth-shaking orgasms. Thoughts of how she’d go home unaccompanied by any of them, without having to actually refuse anyone or hurt anyone’s ego, were raising through her mind when Kyla squeals with delight and pulls her back to their table.

When asked why they were going back, Kyla explained that Dalton was talking to the man she’s hoping to interest…at their table! To her chagrin, and with much trepidation, Missy says hello to Kiko. She couldn’t help thinking that if her friend bags Kiko, it would really, really be weird if Kyla shares with her the details. And so it went, most of the night spent dodging questions about who she’s seeing, or when she’s going to spread her legs again, or if a certain guy or tongue ability was missed…also offers of bringing her home (with ‘bring home’ having become just a code word for ‘any sexual encounter or favor’).

Missy grew tired of stressing herself…and around 2 A.M. started allowing herself the possibility of getting laid that night. So, why not take stock of her past lovers, and choose from them, right? After all, they all still react to her body in a positive way…and every one of them has watched her intently that night. Actually, make that ‘watched her lustfully’.

Hmmm…starting with Dalton, Missy smiles as she remembers how Dalton had loved eating her. That was certainly more than a plus. It simply felt great how voraciously darling Dalton would go down on her. But then she remembers that it sometimes felt creepy, with him loving her pussy that much. She’s even wondered if there was anything in her juices that made Dalton fall in love with her in the first place. Naaah, Dalton won’t do. The risk of him finding hope in a future together is just too much.

Henri then…but he’s bisexual. Missy found out too late that he’s cavorted naked with guys too. Sigh, too bad, he adored her tits, knew how to tease and knew how to pump (then again, he also loved doggies way, way too much…..another explanation…for his sexual preference).

Kiko…hmmm….Missy has always loved his height and his shaved head. And he sure knew how to use his finger. By golly, Missy blushes in the dark as she remembers how Kiko has convinced her to trim her pubes…and how he’s managed to give her one orgasm after another just by the use of his finger. Damn, those sessions were sure great. He was the best eater of them all. Too bad Kiko had a lot of traveling to do because of his job and they never could arrange another tryst after the third one. Anyway, isn’t it sweet that he’s offered to bring her home tonight?

Which brings her to Jake. He..is the richest of them all. That alone is a plus since he also has his own place (which means that it won’t be Missy’s bed to be caked by dried cum the day after). But, although he’s a fan of cuddling, he just really never got that hard enough to satisfy Missy. Plus, he’s so small. That one time with him only creeped Missy out…shocking her with the reality that there ARE guys who cannot satisfy an easily-happified woman like her. To think she’s often been told that her G-spot is just very near her vaginal entrance….and this man couldn’t even reach it! Hmmm…what if she just plays it coy, pretends to have her period (and since it’s obvious she’s wearing thongs under that really tight pair of pants, she can also say she wore tampons that night), and just offer to masturbate Jake….(she couldn’t go down on him, he doesn’t trim).

Hans suddenly whispers in Missy’s ear that he’s glad she’s wearing the vanilla scent that he loves on her. Missy cannot help but tingle all over. Hans was a great lover, he can go for hours ramming himself inside her without having to ejaculate. That’s also probably why, three years into their marriage, he still hasn’t sired any kid. Yes, Missy reminds herself with a sigh. He’s the guy who betrayed your trust by never telling you he’s married. And last time she checked, he’s still married. Married. Married. Married.

Another great lover is Eugene. He’s a pleaser. Missy’s nipples erect all the more as she remembers how great all sessions she’s had with Eugene were. Whew, he knew how to pump, how to caress, how to kiss, how to make a woman feel really, really sexy. And the fact that she’s kept him as a FuBu for months was an achievement in itself for Eugene wasn’t the type to ‘commit’ to just one girl. For him, the bed is a playing field and he’s got to have as varied an opponent as possible. And yet, Missy was able to keep him, even make him adore her completely. Too bad, he got so overwhelmed with how good they are together that he had to be indiscreet and tattle on someone within their online community. Shootix, a bad end to a really great coupling.

And so, all that’s left is Rocky. And what he lacked in experience and finesse, he made up for in enthusiasm and length. And girth. The first time they got together, Missy couldn’t even get wet out of fear that she’d burst. His penis was the biggest she’s had! And giving him head always left her mouth…err…challenged.

As Missy grew alternately hot and cold with her musings, her groin responding with sweet warmth at the remembrance of past encounters (doing it with ice cream, having ice cubes eaten off bodies, doing it in the car, massaging a really exhausted lover….), Kyla appears at her side again and told her the latest news on the grapevine. It seems that Mark and another guy they both knew bedded this other girl that Kyla and Missy hang out with. The girl was being talked about. People were also talking about how someone supposedly saw Henri in a kissfest with a guy in a movie house somewhere.

It was like a bucket of icy water. Even mark’s tantalizing smile and ready wit couldn’t interest Missy anymore. She has got to stop giving in to her libidinal needs. Golly, seven men already and she’s only been chatting in that channel for six months! What more, what if these guys ever get to talking about who they’ve nailed within the group….and the fact that she’s gotten so used to comparing one man with others (even in the heat of getting her tits sucked or an orgasm)…..golly…

Missy couldn’t really believe she’s given in to so many guys. And to be dancing with all of them, having them all in the same room with her, not knowing that they were being compared, everyone believing that he’s the only guy to have ever had the honor of ‘knowing’ Missy…….

It just really had to stop that night. Missy vowed that she’ll never have casual, non-committed sex again. She also realized that she’s turned into a slut. And a slut in a really bad place that night.

and this is why i’m scared like hell of ever engaging in casual encounters…esply those resulting online

ahehehe...someone read it and asked if it's my story...guys...please.....sobrang NDE...ampotek...just thought of the concept while wondering what would happen had I agreed to bed and devirginize all those guys who find me...err....sexable...

will be posting this err....story that's been in my head for days now....which would explain why I cannot risk engaging in ONS/casual sex...esply within my online community....soon...

HORNY is a word you use to describe:

- A naughty feeling to delight/torture men with your teasing smiles, playful words, half-caresses and half-promises.

- The feeling you get after taking a bath, having used your vanilla-scented shower gel that blends well with your pheromones that you yourself get lusty over how you smell, and how you feel.

- What happens to you when the weather is cold and your skin is attuned to every sensation, and your nipples are hard and erect, ready to be played with by a warm, tormenting, wet tongue

- How you feel after hearing a friend share his/her exploits…how, for one moment, you wish to have been the one who got tongue fucked….and who reached those many orgasms….how you wish you were the girl that almost fell out of bed due to ecstatic humping…or the one who wet half the bed with happy juices

- Your mood when you’ve just danced the whole night through, bumping with fellow gyrating bodies, exchanging sexy looks and body scent with strangers, catching other people’s attention by the sway of your hips and the undulating movement of your body as you close your eyes, lick your lips and go with the beat of more than the music

- What you are when you’re eating your favorite cake, or ice cream, or (white) chocolate. It’s what you are when you’ve just received good news, has just fallen in love, seen something you liked, was complimented or got loads of money

- Is what you get after spending a certain period of time with a man who so obviously wants you, who gets turned on by the sight, the smell, the sound of you….who lets you know, that given the chance, he’d be only too happy, too eager to be marking you, possessing you, sexually….

- Is how you end up after a really stimulating conversation…or a tickle/laugh fest, or a really great time

- Climbers, after they’ve reached a mountain peak….or a discoverer, after unearthing some priceless treasure

- The state of happiness a woman in her prime feels

- Or the boredom of someone who’s been so long denied the heaven of surrendering herself to pure gratification

What Kind of Pussy Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Shucks, life is bad....I wanted to hang my wish on the McDonalds Christmas tree but they tell me I have to buy a meal first then add 5 pesos to that before I'd be given my card to write on. Doesn't that suck?

was reading the wishes there...someone wrote...WORLD PEACE :)

cool.....thank you to my pexer friends....

pwede na :)

eh teka po, hanggang ngayon, under construction pa ren eheheheh

my nieces and nephews are way too cute....and are sure making me aware of my own mortality....can't wait to have my own kids

...by the way, i've decided to take risks and invest on a childhood dream (which I hope wil turn out to be an adult passion)....go camping/mountaineering!!!

when the girl in your arms, is the girl in your heart.....then you've got everything.....when you're holding the dream, you've been dreaming you'd hold...then you're as rich as a king

*** Frustration

Tried to go swimming in the clean waters of the beach in Bacon, Sorsogon. What do I get? No company at all, seaweeds and rocks near the beach, a non-ability to swim and therefore venture in deeper waters where seaweeds/rocks and fishermen ogling at me with their telescopes do not abound

*** Old Age

Chaperoned my kid sister and her friends to the Halloween party held at same barrio. Not only was I overdressed already in my jeans, tank top, sandals and cute face (yeah, was cute….), it seemed that we were the only ones who actually take baths (body glitter on the other girls and gays notwithstanding). And the affair was also peopled by teenagers and I spent the greater part of the night dodging drunken guys who I know want to cop a feel…and watching my sister dance/chatter the night away with a really, really cute 17-year old guy. Sigh. The only time I missed Manila.

*** Gluttony

Imagine the freshest seafood and I ate them all. Well, at least I tried eating LISWIK, this frustrating shell-type of something where you use needles to pry loose the fleshy animal that used to crawl with the shell. But everything was just…fresh, I cannot possibly eat fish here in Manila again without thinking am being poisoned.

*** Beauty

Walked along the beach. Realized that apart from a couple holding hands while walking and silently just being together along a coastline….the only more beautiful picture is of two butt-naked toddlers playing along the beach.

*** Weird

First time I ever saw a whole lechon being chopped and sold…inside a cemetery…between the graves…and among other items such as viands, clothes, candles, bags, candies, softdrinks, etc.

*** Torture

Imagine sitting and traveling for like 15 hours, with only meals and wee-wee breaks separating your ass from the car seat….ouch!

And did I enjoy every waking moment of vacation? You bet!!!