And I'll remember you
the dreams we could of dreamed
the tears I should have seen
we use to say forever
but I'll remember you
your pure and simple heart
your shadows painted dark
I will always love you
I'll remember you


heard this song again on the radio.....am really closer to my last goodbye (is there such a thing) to who I believed was my greatest love....

anyway, to cap off the year that has passed....and all other milestones and thresholds i've crossed......

The Journey
By: Lea Salonga

Half the world is sleeping
Half the world's awake
Half can hear their heart beat
Half can hear them break

I am but a traveller
In most every way
Ask me what you want to know

Chorus:
What a journey it has been
And the end is not in sight
But the stars are out tonight
And they're bound to guide my way
When they're shining on my life
I can see a better day
I won't let the darkness in
What a journey it has been

I have been to sorrow
I have been to bliss
Where are we tomorrow
I can only guess
Through the darkest desert
Through the deepest snow
Forward always forward I go

Repeat Chorus

Forward always forward
Onward always up
Catching every drop of hope
In my empty cup

Repeat Chorus:

What a journey it has been

err..ok, ok....buying that torotot and having Mom almost split my ear..may not have been that good an idea...

anyway, finished THE ALCHEMIST last Dec. 29....nice read indeed!

For this new year

I hope to become a
- more cheerful giver
- better lover
- passionate climber
- serious drug-dependent counselor and training facilitator on the side
- more loving daughter, sister, aunt, cousin
- person of stronger faith
- more confident woman
- more sensual woman
- TAKEN woman
- more graceful dancer
- more professional and loyal government civil servant
- better manager of my resources
- sexier, fitter sex goddess (lolz...my allergies are making me loco)
- naughtier person

Happy Year of the Goat peeps...may people who are confused finally find peace :)

The great thing in the world is not
so much where we stand,
as in what direction we are moving

Met 3 of my college friends...we had dinner at Chef d' Angelo (golly, the carbonara!), exchanged gifts at Starbucks (I got The Alchemist book) and went to the Boardwalk in Luneta (yes, after 4 years of college near Luneta, it had to take us some 4 years after graduation before going there to hang out). I bought this bubbles thingie for P10.00 (when you can buy a dozen of the same for only P35.00 in Divisoria) and while we talked about love, relationships, old times, dream weddings, politics, career pathing and women empowerment...i huffed and i puffed and blew my brains out

One nice thing gleaned from this year's gathering is that....all 3 of them told me that they still kept those mushy notes and inspirational quotes I used to make for them or share with them before. One even said that she posted this poem I made and that someone in their faculty was impressed with it. Of course, that person also commented that my poem was a sad one.

Which brings me to here and now... I am still that child who made that poem after having cried year after year... but I am not anymore that person who was constantly depressed. Proof? I still cannot make any poems even with the 2 deaths in my life the week before Christmas.

I congratulate myself for having taken the task of allowing myself to be happy. And I know I am becoming happier. And is there any better goal?

Be not simply good, be good for something

Aside from hoping that I would become a mountaineer....I'm also hoping to become a really good volunteer again. The two years I was away from social service were necessary because I had to be selfish for awhile and nurture/pamper myself for awhile. Now I have something I can give away again because I am more solid. I am more centered. And a part of me is seeking to be given away too. The most educational time of my life was when I was serving voluntarily and touching lives of people who needed someone to care. Hmmm... come year 2003, i'd be singing I will be here again...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

by the way....all four of us, who graduated with honors and have thriving careers....pretty much successful, empowered, confident women....vow to be housewives to raise our kids ourselves....

it was often said that the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world....funny how we all felt it's about time the rocking of the cradle be done again by the people who will most love our children and have the most to teach them.....none other than their mothers

another thing picked up from other people's blogs......and like what I commented to Chel...I only picked the bedroom answer because it was where the white chocolate is waiting to be eaten...golly...


You are the seductress pin-up! You are self-explanatory. You slut!

What Type Of Retro Gal Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Guys, if i die anytime soon.....
i'm hoping lang na all those who I've told I LOVE YOU to will believe it forever....
i've never used the words lightly....

.....And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect....

it's been way too long overdue

a wise one once said......

Go back to old watering holes
Friends are there to meet you...

I am attending a reunion tonight...with the friends who have helped shape me, my confidence, my dreams, my passions

(am sure, they're gonna bombard me with sex questions again...story of my life)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

http://superchc.uhome.net/ring/comeout.htm

something i picked up off other people's blogs



What Was Your PastLife?

really, I was hoping for a courtesan :)

I have this thing with keys....although I don't necessarily surround myself with their pictures. I bought this gold plated bracelet with keys and padlocks for charms... then for Christmas I was given this necklace with a key for a pendant (wearing it now) and silver key earrings.

sigh..if ever i get reincarnated...I wanna come back as a keyhole :)

time flies when you're having sex....

actually... even your sanity flies away... or good judgement.... or values.... or misgivings.... or inhibitions....

CHRISTMAS MOMENTS

Baby Ela loved the dollhouse I gave her. Told her Mom that she's always been mature for her years and that I just know she's not going to grow up a bitter, rebellious child. She's an old soul. And I love that she still loves her father who owed her a lot of fatherly loving and attention. Happy 6th birthday to her on the 29th.

I borrowed a really beautiful Bonita (see picture of baby below) from her Mom at 1:30 pm yesterday. They didn't get her from us till past 7:30 pm. All afternoon, my sister and Dad just doted on the girl, fed her stuff, played with her, performed antics to make her laugh, changed her diaper, consoled her when she cried and lulled her to sleep. I just know our home is lacking it's own grandchild.

KC just had to sing with the videoke songs. He also had to really render the mic unsuitable for other family mebers to use due to drool. He also had to spit-blow on the wand of the bubbles...and totally mess up the floor...and then drool over Karylle.

If I gave my nieces and nephews Christmas money and gifts, how come I also got delegated the task of shouldering their Entrance Fees/Ride-All-You-Can eks to Enchanted Kingdom when we go this weekend?

Kyle, my supposedly beloved nephew, my godson, the one who....when he turned one, had his first hair cut by me, and had some of my hair joined to his in a book, to ensure intelligence, in the spirit of tradition and superstition...is a pain in the arse! I can understand the psychological effect having cousins and two younger siblings suddenly take away the limelight from him, but he is just sooooo sutil that he has stopped being endearing.

My favorite tita, the one who sired almost 10 kids and only had 5 of them live (she always gets twins), my Mom's youngest sister, has this possibility of getting really rich by next year. I hope things work out well for her so she can buy a house and car for her family and spend more days together with them. It's so sad for moms to be separated from their kids while the kids are still growing up.

My sister gave me this cool, sexy black top. Sigh...she just really knows what works for my bod!

I got a compass from a person who knows that I am a traveller of life, and that I have gotten lost many, many times. It's not only symbolic for me.....it woudl also be useful once I really tackle becoming a mountain climber.

What is it with bubbles anyway that kids love it...and i am still left in awe of it?

Discussed a jerk of a cousin with my aunt and uncle. Am real sorry, but a person who do not even have the decency to do the right thing and see his own parent buried....deserves to be disowned. So, even if I would always care for him, I vow to never have anything to do with him again. Lack of respect is lack of respect; family is family......no matter what your religion is.

Despite deaths of people I loved in my adult life so close to Christmas, I realized yet again how I love having a family so big, with all of us involved in each other's lives.

My parents' most favored gift was a wall clock with our 1998 family picture for a background.

I lost all ambition to be this naughty, party girl in the confusion of gift-buying and Christmas-planning/spending. Wonder when i'd take up that goal again.

I hope I gave love this Christmas day

RANDOM THOUGHTS
UGLY THOUGHTS
SAD THOUGHTS
BAD THOUGHTS

Mom cried a little...she just got back from her brother's wake. Also just finished e-mailing sister and cousins. She was also telling me about my cousin's birthday celebration which they held with the wake (he turned 7 years old) when she also remembered that her youngest brother wouldn't even give some money to a cousin (the youngest of the deceased brother who had to travel from General Santos City pa) to add to her travel fare back home. This hurts Mom, I think, because not only has she and other siblings spent the last of their money (aside from borrowing some more) for this unexpected 'event', but because it always hurts that someone of your own blood simply do not care.

It's also hard to realize yet again that it's not how much you have that counts, but your willingness to give. And that his brother isn't willing also suggests that in the near future, the same apathy.....may show itself again when other siblings/relatives pass away.

And my Mom, I know, is just so tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've always wanted shots of my body parts....and now I feel i've waited too long to have them...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I have been seriously neglecting and hurting someone who truly cares about me.... maybe because of my own limitations as a human being... maybe because I do owe some things to myself first.... maybe because there is a right time and place for us to fully re-connect....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My officemate died last saturday....while I was telling a certain pexer of how I wish to have friends like her, of how I'm gonna miss her... etc. This has actually deeply troubled me and has totally destroyed my Holiday spirits. I feel, when I go home to Lipa tom....I would be just holding my babies and getting scared that I'd be taken away too soon from loved ones.

Anyway...the matter has also made me realize that I will not mourn very much for one of my bosses when she dies. After all, I will never forget how she's always tried to paint a bad picture of the one that recently died...

when it was.......so much easier to be a good person when Ate Ene was around....

Oh, God....I will really miss her....is this why I cannot perfect the cathedral windows for the Christmas Party?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Who will partake of all the candies we so lovingly wrapped and ribboned in colorful plastic bags...when half my baby cousins and nephews/nieces are in Bicol?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wonder who my real friends are. Ate Ene had friends who would buy her a cellphone so they can easily ask her about her health, who would save up for plane tickets to visit her here in Manila, who would save up their leave credits to spend a week just taking care of her in the hospital, who would rally other friends for scheduled visits and gatherings to cheer her up, who would send money once in awhile (without being asked) or solicit money for her chemotherapy sessions, who would remember her birthdays and Christmases, etc., who remembers to pray for her....

I have often wondered...what has Ate done to them...what has Ate given them...for them to be so supportive and loyal and loving and caring....what is she to them?

And what can I do to be like her? it depresses me to know that I might die without having friends as loving as she has....It drives me to despair if I die without having touched someone's life so greatly....or not to have been someone for somebody....

And through this horrible week.........not one friend has really taken time out to talk to me and hold me.......

And am feeling all kinds of bitter, guilty.........confused.........

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

If i die and do not get cremated, meaning, I get buried...I wonder how many worms would eat me....

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I've always wanted shots of my body parts....and now I feel i've waited too long to have them...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Line from 100 Girls (the movie)

"I'm cursed. I'm ugly...and i'm also very, very smart. No man will feel passion for me"

Only God knows how many times i've felt like this....well, mostly the ugly n' smart

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And there's this recurring thought....what if am not this spunky, witty girl with a relatively cute face and nice body....will guys still be wanting me? Will I ever really be able to win a guy and keep him by just being this nice girl who is sometimes caring, sometimes sweet, sometimes really loving and thoughtful?

And if I was that average........would I also have gottend desperate enough and allow myself to be devalued in the ways most women right now are being devalued?

And if I was a little prettier.....would I have reached the grand old age of 25 without having gotten pregnant?

songs i'm listening to while am online
as of 21 Dec 2002, nyt

still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, some'd say
Where is the life that I recognize?
gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
and as I try to make my way
to the ordinary world
I will learn to survive...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

So bad.. so, so bad
A poor man lives in happiness
A millionaire evil as he wanna be
A good man going hungry....
Cause of Time and Chance

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Makin love until we drown

Girl you know it feels real good
We can do it til we both wake up
Girl you know I'm hooked on you
And this is what I'll do

I wanna sex you up
Makin' love until we drown
I wanna sex you up

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now, I'm craving your body, is this real
Temperatures rising, I don't want to feel
I'm in the wrong place to be real
Woahh and I'm; longing to love you just for a night,
Kissing and hugging and holding you tight
Please let me love you with all my might

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Grease is the word, is the word that you heard
It's got groove, it's got meaning
Grease is the time, is the place, is the motion
Grease is the way we are feeling

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sometimes I try and
Sometimes I cry
Only love will make me do
what I don’t want to do
Anything you want me to
I will live or die you choose.

...sigh....

THE WORLD DOES NOT STOP FOR YOUR GRIEF

As you rally your relatives over the phone, you will still be disturbed by calls from your sister’s suitor.

As you calm your mother down who’s crying over the phone, talking with a sister several continents away, you will still have neighborhood kids singing carols off-key at your door.

As you wait for precious messages from aunts and uncles for more information, you will still get stupid text messages in your cell phone, encouraging you to join their stupid money-making (well, for them) games.

As you compose e-mails for relatives who are overseas, you will be notified of other incoming e-mails composed of forwarded jokes, chain e-mails and porn. Worse, if your YM is open, you also get offers to cyber sex in the midst of worrying how to word your ‘sad news’ mail.

As you wonder what will happen to the plight of your orphaned relatives, you get delegated the task of making tabs for a report, in 60 copies, and to be distributed the following day.

As you cry inside over the last time you saw that loved one alive, reminiscing on how he cooked for you, or how sweet his voice was when he sang….you also have to listen to your officemate’s recent biopsy…or another officemate’s complaint about a husband…or how a friend’s daughter is making progress.

As you rush over to work, late because you had to make a lot of calls and stand by lest your mother has one of her nervous breakdowns…or as you rush home from work…eager to be there and lend a hand when needed, you get stuck in traffic due to shoppers and merrymakers all hounding the malls of Manila.

And in the midst of booking bus schedules and plane trips, you also have to pick up the brownies, fudgies, banana cakes, etc. you ordered for the supposedly Merry Christmas you’re going to have….and in the midst of making funeral arrangements several provinces away, you also have to wrap your gift to your favorite niece who you also plan to bring to your Christmas party in the office.

And in remembering how the deceased has also lost a wife and son before, and how some of his kids had not seen him for years, you also struggle with the schedules of those he’s leaving behind….the birthday party of a nephew, the court hearing involving a brother, the medical check-up of another brother.

And as you mentally adjust your finances for the coming days, knowing that some party and Christmas favors will have to be adjusted to give way to the funeral costs, a distant cousin visits you to borrow money for their own Noche Buena.

And as you mourn the loss of a loved one, you will still hear corny jokes, green jokes, crazy laughs and tickling conversations.

And if you sometimes feel bitter, you also realize that it wasn’t their loss to bewail…and when their season for grieving has come, it may be that your time of happiness has come again.

this is a picture of a child you cannot kidnap....

err...unless you have Stik-O with you :)

I once said that....PROMISES OF LOVE HAVE NO EXPIRY DATE...

....am beginning to think I was wrong...

A Love Story
by Bullet

Once upon a time there was an island where all the Feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love.

One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So all the Feelings prepared their boats to leave.

Love was the only one that stayed. She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment. When the island was almost totally under, love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?"

Richness answered, " I'm sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."

Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please." "I can't help you", Vanity said, " You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat." Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, " Sadness, please let me go with you." Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone now."

Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you." But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.

Love began to cry. Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.

When they arrived on land the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder. Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?" "It was Time", Knowledge answered.

"But why did Time help me when no one else would?", Love asked. Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered,
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

what if....

i decide today

to not be naughty anymore

and stop teasing boys...

will the world stop, kaya?

+++@ +++@ Scary

Dreamt of my ex....He asked me if he could be my date at our High School reunion....in the dream, he was still married...and yet, he asked to be with me.....This worries me...questions of my being over him cannot help but surface..I try to tell myself that I will always love him...and there would always be this big room in me that will always give him the highest regard, and our time together, the fondest memories....

Besides, his firstborn is due this Christmas week...

+++@ +++@ Pitiful

There is this guy I know who has sweetened my days with wonderful text messages and long conversations over the phone. I only saw him once, and had one chance to kiss him (only, I didn't because I didn't want things to either start or end that way). I wanted to know him more, but he turned weird on me. Fast forward to months after that, he'd remember me sometimes and send sweet messages and I'd respond accordingly. In a way, one cannot help but be fond of him for he can be real endearing. So endearing in fact that he's surrounded himself with many girls to sweet-talk and get weird with. What's worse, he's met a girl who doesn't seem as strong (for the girl has completely fallen for him). And it's so sad, for him to be hurting a lot of potential mates and girl friends this way. And it's sadder when you think that he will never be happy with himself, knowing how much of a LIE he is, and having done all those hideous things with human emotions.

+++@ +++@ Hopeful

I had a dream in childhood that finally found an opportunity to come true. I just want to put in words that I have psyched myself up...that I may need to humble myself in ways I have not imagined....just for things to be fulfilled

+++@ +++@ Embittering

Is there such a word? People have never really had a hand whether they will be born first or last in a family. I didn't want to be born first, and yet I have embraced what being a firstborn child should be. I have always deserved the education I got, and I have never really brought home embarrassing news wherein I featured (that role was left to my brother). And yet, sometimes, I cannot help but think that I can never give enough back to my family...and however grateful my parents might be of how I'm able to help them now...it'd would always be me that had to sacrifice a little (even if I also made all the more responsible choices in life). Both siblings have no obligation at all to give back, but whatever I do will never be enough...

+++@ +++@ Sentimental

It all started with questions posed to our Div. Manager on what she brings for 'pasalubong' to her grandkids in the US. She answered with 'CHOCNUT' and 'JACKSTONES'. That started a reminiscence of childhood games we played....how we've sailed paper botas on flooded streets, picked up sticks, picked up balls from canals while playing football, how many trees we've climbed, how we played 'bahay-bahayan', how we played in the rain and had spiders, salagubangs, etc. compete....how much fun it was to play 1,2,3 or Santacruzan or luksong-tinik or piko or sha-to...

And it saddens me to find the kids now, not in streets or fields, but either at home or some gaming center, facing monitors instead of beating up playmates or running with friends....

MISSY Adventures
“Girls Interrupted"

Backtrack to a year before that horrible party below.

Both girls’ heartbeats quicken as they get into the idea of pleasuring each other. Everything was going slowly, gently. Butterfly kisses were showered as each one caressed the other’s body, their eyes locked in a silent conversation of deep trust and newfound desire.

Missy cannot remember how she ended up in Jan’s arms, her bestfriend since her diaper years. She’s always been in Jan’s bed, and Jan in hers, but never in this way. Her body is tingling with a weakness and a need to suddenly be with her bestfriend.

Jan leaned forward to start licking Missy’s chin with her tongue, the softness of which sent waves and waves of pleasure up and down Missy’s spine. She pushed Jan back down, motioned her to stop, and started nuzzling her neck. Her tongue darted from her plum-colored mouth, drawing circles and finding pleasure in feeling Jan first stiffen, and then moan. Missy is really enjoying this. At the back of her mind she wondered if it’s always this good with girls, or it’s the initial thrill causing the flush that’s spreading all over her body. Jan kissed the corner of Missy’s mouth, teasing it with her tongue while unconsciously enjoying the sweet vanilla smell of Missy. Missy arched her back with the pleasure of it and traces Jan’s lower lip with her fingers. ‘So soft…’

Tantalizingly, Jan kissed Missy, gently exploring the wetness of her mouth by her tongue, darting in places that could not help but elicit moans of pleasure from her playmate of more than two decades. Missy hugged Jan tighter to her, the gentle exploration of each other’s mouths turning into a ravaging expression of passion. Their lips locked, their hands are left to explore each other’s curves, the sinewy muscles of each other’s thighs, the soft mounds of breasts and butts that never incited such a response to them before. Missy gasped and turned so that Jan ended up under her, then, slowly….she lifted up Jan’s blouse to reveal her friend’s huge breasts. Jan has always been bosomy and never wears a bra when she’s home, so Missy was free to discover the sweetness of her friend’s large areolas and taut nipples. Jan shivered and moaned while Missy lost herself in suckling, licking circles around Jan’s nipples only to zero in with a vengeance….teasing them at times as they grow more and more stiff with every caress of the tongue and every pinch of Missy’s soft fingers.

Missy is wet down there, and tells Jan so. Jan giggles a little as she changes position with Missy. With a mischievous grin……Jan goes down to where Missy’s skirt is to hike it up further using only her teeth. Missy starts writhing in bed in sweet anticipation of what Jan will do next when suddenly, the sound of cell phones belting out ‘Dancing Queen’ and ‘Anyone At All’ made them stop.

‘Uh-oh, bf…’, both said and quickly scampered to where their respective cell phones were ringing.

end

NOT TO BE UNFAIR TO GUYS BUT.....

you can all be real jerks sometimes.....

sorry.....a guy who's lied to me so many times had the gall to tell me that 'Some girls aren't worth it'....

and I dunno what's the matter with LIFE, but it's been reminding me this past few days that I have been very, very good, kind, forgiving, accommodating, patient, etc. with some really big-time jerks...

sigh....

magkahawak ang ating kamay
at walang kamalay-malay
na tinuruan mo ang puso ko
na umibig na tunay

Heard this song again on MYX..and tho i've never really been a fan of E'Heads...i've always loved this particular song....

...reminds me of the perfect picture of love for me...two people holding hands....touching where they are most sensitive...(hopefully, to each other's needs, desires, dreams)

yeah, yeah...........am senti....still too lazy to write about naughty, senseless stuff to delight other people with and provide fodder to gossip eh

You better watch out
For what you wish for
It better be worth it
So much to die for


Bought a camping backpack na....may I have the strength to carry it once it has things inside na :D

MISSY Adventures
“Seven already!”

Missy surveys the surrounding as she enters the disco place. ‘Cool’, she thinks to herself, ‘I know most of the people here.’ It was a dance party being thrown by their online community. Kyla, the friend she came with, was already getting in the act of interesting the guys who were checking them out. Missy orders iced tea from the roving waiter, gives him a smile as he goes, and turns in time to come face-to-face with Mark’s chest.

Mark is the latest guy to woo her. She has met him a couple of times already but it was only lately that he’s showed real interest in her. Of course, Missy smiles bitterly, she also knows that the attraction is mostly physical. Anyway, Missy goes through the usual ‘Hi’ and ‘What’s keeping you busy?’ before moving on to say hello to the others at the party. Walking past some clique comprised mostly of nerdy-looking guys and chubby chicks, Missy wonders if the night will find her in bed with Mark for the first time…

Kyla manages to catch Missy after several minutes of mingling and drags her to the dance floor. Kyla already had the hots for a certain guy she saw at the bar and thus intent on dancing her way to creating an impression. Missy cannot help but smile fondly at her friend, who is actually a very good dancer. Soon, both girls were joined by others. Missy starts to relax and really get into the groove when all of a sudden, the weirdest thing…..unfolded.

There was a group of guys hanging out at the corner of the venue, most of whom started joining them. Much to Missy’s surprise, she realized that she has slept with five of them already. Shocked by the realization, she excused herself and went back to their table, only to be joined by Dalton. While sipping her iced tea and faking warmth, Missy suffered a conversation with Dalton, smiling and nodding at the right places while memories and flashbacks go through her mind. ‘Gosh, I just hope he’s not in love with me anymore’, Missy thinks.

To avoid further eye contact, especially since she’s starting to get convinced that Dalton has not fully recovered yet from his infatuation, Missy checked her cell phone to realize that a former FuBu is joining them at the party. To make matters weirder, or worse, Jake is going with Rocky (the last guy to have graced her bed). Missy starts to panic inside. She doesn’t know what to think or do.

Leaving Dalton to sweet talk some other girl, Missy goes back to the dance floor, intending to stay there and avoid any real encounters with any of the guys she’s been with. The bad thing was, she’s the one that ended almost all of the affairs. The worse thing was, all of these guys, in a really unexplainable way, still like her…still want her….still fantasize and crave for her.....and they’ve also always tried to entice her again with promises of pampering and earth-shaking orgasms. Thoughts of how she’d go home unaccompanied by any of them, without having to actually refuse anyone or hurt anyone’s ego, were raising through her mind when Kyla squeals with delight and pulls her back to their table.

When asked why they were going back, Kyla explained that Dalton was talking to the man she’s hoping to interest…at their table! To her chagrin, and with much trepidation, Missy says hello to Kiko. She couldn’t help thinking that if her friend bags Kiko, it would really, really be weird if Kyla shares with her the details. And so it went, most of the night spent dodging questions about who she’s seeing, or when she’s going to spread her legs again, or if a certain guy or tongue ability was missed…also offers of bringing her home (with ‘bring home’ having become just a code word for ‘any sexual encounter or favor’).

Missy grew tired of stressing herself…and around 2 A.M. started allowing herself the possibility of getting laid that night. So, why not take stock of her past lovers, and choose from them, right? After all, they all still react to her body in a positive way…and every one of them has watched her intently that night. Actually, make that ‘watched her lustfully’.

Hmmm…starting with Dalton, Missy smiles as she remembers how Dalton had loved eating her. That was certainly more than a plus. It simply felt great how voraciously darling Dalton would go down on her. But then she remembers that it sometimes felt creepy, with him loving her pussy that much. She’s even wondered if there was anything in her juices that made Dalton fall in love with her in the first place. Naaah, Dalton won’t do. The risk of him finding hope in a future together is just too much.

Henri then…but he’s bisexual. Missy found out too late that he’s cavorted naked with guys too. Sigh, too bad, he adored her tits, knew how to tease and knew how to pump (then again, he also loved doggies way, way too much…..another explanation…for his sexual preference).

Kiko…hmmm….Missy has always loved his height and his shaved head. And he sure knew how to use his finger. By golly, Missy blushes in the dark as she remembers how Kiko has convinced her to trim her pubes…and how he’s managed to give her one orgasm after another just by the use of his finger. Damn, those sessions were sure great. He was the best eater of them all. Too bad Kiko had a lot of traveling to do because of his job and they never could arrange another tryst after the third one. Anyway, isn’t it sweet that he’s offered to bring her home tonight?

Which brings her to Jake. He..is the richest of them all. That alone is a plus since he also has his own place (which means that it won’t be Missy’s bed to be caked by dried cum the day after). But, although he’s a fan of cuddling, he just really never got that hard enough to satisfy Missy. Plus, he’s so small. That one time with him only creeped Missy out…shocking her with the reality that there ARE guys who cannot satisfy an easily-happified woman like her. To think she’s often been told that her G-spot is just very near her vaginal entrance….and this man couldn’t even reach it! Hmmm…what if she just plays it coy, pretends to have her period (and since it’s obvious she’s wearing thongs under that really tight pair of pants, she can also say she wore tampons that night), and just offer to masturbate Jake….(she couldn’t go down on him, he doesn’t trim).

Hans suddenly whispers in Missy’s ear that he’s glad she’s wearing the vanilla scent that he loves on her. Missy cannot help but tingle all over. Hans was a great lover, he can go for hours ramming himself inside her without having to ejaculate. That’s also probably why, three years into their marriage, he still hasn’t sired any kid. Yes, Missy reminds herself with a sigh. He’s the guy who betrayed your trust by never telling you he’s married. And last time she checked, he’s still married. Married. Married. Married.

Another great lover is Eugene. He’s a pleaser. Missy’s nipples erect all the more as she remembers how great all sessions she’s had with Eugene were. Whew, he knew how to pump, how to caress, how to kiss, how to make a woman feel really, really sexy. And the fact that she’s kept him as a FuBu for months was an achievement in itself for Eugene wasn’t the type to ‘commit’ to just one girl. For him, the bed is a playing field and he’s got to have as varied an opponent as possible. And yet, Missy was able to keep him, even make him adore her completely. Too bad, he got so overwhelmed with how good they are together that he had to be indiscreet and tattle on someone within their online community. Shootix, a bad end to a really great coupling.

And so, all that’s left is Rocky. And what he lacked in experience and finesse, he made up for in enthusiasm and length. And girth. The first time they got together, Missy couldn’t even get wet out of fear that she’d burst. His penis was the biggest she’s had! And giving him head always left her mouth…err…challenged.

As Missy grew alternately hot and cold with her musings, her groin responding with sweet warmth at the remembrance of past encounters (doing it with ice cream, having ice cubes eaten off bodies, doing it in the car, massaging a really exhausted lover….), Kyla appears at her side again and told her the latest news on the grapevine. It seems that Mark and another guy they both knew bedded this other girl that Kyla and Missy hang out with. The girl was being talked about. People were also talking about how someone supposedly saw Henri in a kissfest with a guy in a movie house somewhere.

It was like a bucket of icy water. Even mark’s tantalizing smile and ready wit couldn’t interest Missy anymore. She has got to stop giving in to her libidinal needs. Golly, seven men already and she’s only been chatting in that channel for six months! What more, what if these guys ever get to talking about who they’ve nailed within the group….and the fact that she’s gotten so used to comparing one man with others (even in the heat of getting her tits sucked or an orgasm)…..golly…

Missy couldn’t really believe she’s given in to so many guys. And to be dancing with all of them, having them all in the same room with her, not knowing that they were being compared, everyone believing that he’s the only guy to have ever had the honor of ‘knowing’ Missy…….

It just really had to stop that night. Missy vowed that she’ll never have casual, non-committed sex again. She also realized that she’s turned into a slut. And a slut in a really bad place that night.

and this is why i’m scared like hell of ever engaging in casual encounters…esply those resulting online

ahehehe...someone read it and asked if it's my story...guys...please.....sobrang NDE...ampotek...just thought of the concept while wondering what would happen had I agreed to bed and devirginize all those guys who find me...err....sexable...

will be posting this err....story that's been in my head for days now....which would explain why I cannot risk engaging in ONS/casual sex...esply within my online community....soon...

HORNY is a word you use to describe:

- A naughty feeling to delight/torture men with your teasing smiles, playful words, half-caresses and half-promises.

- The feeling you get after taking a bath, having used your vanilla-scented shower gel that blends well with your pheromones that you yourself get lusty over how you smell, and how you feel.

- What happens to you when the weather is cold and your skin is attuned to every sensation, and your nipples are hard and erect, ready to be played with by a warm, tormenting, wet tongue

- How you feel after hearing a friend share his/her exploits…how, for one moment, you wish to have been the one who got tongue fucked….and who reached those many orgasms….how you wish you were the girl that almost fell out of bed due to ecstatic humping…or the one who wet half the bed with happy juices

- Your mood when you’ve just danced the whole night through, bumping with fellow gyrating bodies, exchanging sexy looks and body scent with strangers, catching other people’s attention by the sway of your hips and the undulating movement of your body as you close your eyes, lick your lips and go with the beat of more than the music

- What you are when you’re eating your favorite cake, or ice cream, or (white) chocolate. It’s what you are when you’ve just received good news, has just fallen in love, seen something you liked, was complimented or got loads of money

- Is what you get after spending a certain period of time with a man who so obviously wants you, who gets turned on by the sight, the smell, the sound of you….who lets you know, that given the chance, he’d be only too happy, too eager to be marking you, possessing you, sexually….

- Is how you end up after a really stimulating conversation…or a tickle/laugh fest, or a really great time

- Climbers, after they’ve reached a mountain peak….or a discoverer, after unearthing some priceless treasure

- The state of happiness a woman in her prime feels

- Or the boredom of someone who’s been so long denied the heaven of surrendering herself to pure gratification

What Kind of Pussy Are You?
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Shucks, life is bad....I wanted to hang my wish on the McDonalds Christmas tree but they tell me I have to buy a meal first then add 5 pesos to that before I'd be given my card to write on. Doesn't that suck?

was reading the wishes there...someone wrote...WORLD PEACE :)

cool.....thank you to my pexer friends....

pwede na :)

eh teka po, hanggang ngayon, under construction pa ren eheheheh

my nieces and nephews are way too cute....and are sure making me aware of my own mortality....can't wait to have my own kids

...by the way, i've decided to take risks and invest on a childhood dream (which I hope wil turn out to be an adult passion)....go camping/mountaineering!!!

when the girl in your arms, is the girl in your heart.....then you've got everything.....when you're holding the dream, you've been dreaming you'd hold...then you're as rich as a king

*** Frustration

Tried to go swimming in the clean waters of the beach in Bacon, Sorsogon. What do I get? No company at all, seaweeds and rocks near the beach, a non-ability to swim and therefore venture in deeper waters where seaweeds/rocks and fishermen ogling at me with their telescopes do not abound

*** Old Age

Chaperoned my kid sister and her friends to the Halloween party held at same barrio. Not only was I overdressed already in my jeans, tank top, sandals and cute face (yeah, was cute….), it seemed that we were the only ones who actually take baths (body glitter on the other girls and gays notwithstanding). And the affair was also peopled by teenagers and I spent the greater part of the night dodging drunken guys who I know want to cop a feel…and watching my sister dance/chatter the night away with a really, really cute 17-year old guy. Sigh. The only time I missed Manila.

*** Gluttony

Imagine the freshest seafood and I ate them all. Well, at least I tried eating LISWIK, this frustrating shell-type of something where you use needles to pry loose the fleshy animal that used to crawl with the shell. But everything was just…fresh, I cannot possibly eat fish here in Manila again without thinking am being poisoned.

*** Beauty

Walked along the beach. Realized that apart from a couple holding hands while walking and silently just being together along a coastline….the only more beautiful picture is of two butt-naked toddlers playing along the beach.

*** Weird

First time I ever saw a whole lechon being chopped and sold…inside a cemetery…between the graves…and among other items such as viands, clothes, candles, bags, candies, softdrinks, etc.

*** Torture

Imagine sitting and traveling for like 15 hours, with only meals and wee-wee breaks separating your ass from the car seat….ouch!

And did I enjoy every waking moment of vacation? You bet!!!

People have said that there is indeed transfer of energy during a massage session.....I'm assuming that's the reason why all the men I have massaged...have built attachments to me...

'Nuff said.

is it true...

that you portray

an image of playfulness,

extreme sensuality,

and absolute sexuality...

so people won't look

too close

too long

too deep...

so people won't see

you

as a person

capable of being hurt

and vulnerable to

rejection

and betrayal

all over again...?

Kids just danced for candy here in the office......sigh, what can be cuter!!!

Shucks....can't say anything except that I long for a baby of my own..especially after seeing my nieces and nephews wreak havoc around my newest week-old niece :)

Oh my love, for the first time in my life
My eyes are wide open
Oh my love, for the first time in my life
My eyes can see

I see the wind
Oh I see the trees
Everything is clear in my world
I see the clouds
Oh. I see the sky

Oh my lover, for the first time in my life
My mind is wide open
Oh my lover for the first time in my life
My mind can feel

I KNOW WHO I WANT TO TAKE ME HOME

Old friends
Who didn’t see each other
For five years
Who never talked
Who never even tried
To bridge the gap
That separated them

Old friends
Soulmates, in fact
Alter-egos
Sitting by a pier
In Hong Kong
Under a moonlit night
Talking, laughing
Not touching each other
Yet, connecting in the
Most intimate of ways

Old friends
Meeting by fate
Perchance to reconcile
Perchance to dream again
Or perchance, to say
Goodbye, finally

Old friends
Each with questions
Playing in their mind
Each with regrets
Burdening their hearts
Each with wistful smiles
In their faces
Asking silently
How their friendship
Would end this time

Old friends
Or former sweethearts.
It doesn’t really matter
What they were then
But that they are there now
Sitting at that pier
With the cold night wind
And the sweet smell of sea
Making up their minds
Making up their hearts
What they’re going to be…

Mec 4:45 pm 8-24-01
(last poem i really made)

vaginal orgasms and clitoric orgasms - the difference being? .....

err.......basically, it's where the orgasm is coming from...

a vaginal orgasm is usually intense, exhausting, big...where the vagina actually contracts and sucks a man's bone dry of his cum...

a clitoric orgasm is a wonderful plateau of sensations where slight movements can trigger one after another...if a woman masturbating usually just stimulates the clit, this is the kind she's most probabaly get...and if she's used to having her clit stimulated, this is the kind she would probably expect/want/need

of course dear......these two are usually deemed the same since usually, either they happen simultaneously (that's when a woman's body really tingles all over, then she drops asleep and exhausted and sated and smiling....and whatever) or...the woman is not that attuned to the difference (or where the sensations are originating from).....

(something na nde ko mai-post sa PEX)

thank you, thank you jaeb...for walking me thru this.....