Monday, June 16, 2003

i've moved her blog. if you want to know the URL leave a message in the comment box with your email. of course, whether she replies or not, is her own discretion.
- vëra =?

major things to spend on:

1> a new backpack w/c can accommodate my earth pad and a tent (Deuter sells this air-cool one for P3.2k)

2> a tent, even if it's only good for one since i'd be the one carrying it

3> a digital camera worth some php 18k

4> a sleeping bag (P1k ?)

5> a pair of thermal underwear

6> a trip to Baguio w/ Libet (P2k)

7> a trip to Boracay w/ Grace (P10k)

8> running shoes (P2k)

9> PC upgrade (P10k)

hmm..... things keep coming back to mountaineering needs.... this is bad...

methinks i really need that promotion... wish me luck, guys :)

Sunday, June 15, 2003

Dreamt of the movie CHICAGO all night... and woke up to the words to the song Mr. Cellophane....

coz you could see right through me
walk right by me...

Sigh.... i'm dang lonely.


Spent the whole afternoon yesterday talking to one of my dearest, closest friends... I missed her terribly... and feel for her terribly... and I am scared that, with my own similar selfishness and unyielding nature, with my staunch resistance to really growing up... I might end up sadder than she is right now...


Love has always come easy for me, it seems. Again, my problem has always been... being attached to someone... and being part of a relationship (whether official or not).

And again, i'm tired of living lies and being unfair... and again, I am guilty of having hurt a lot of people just because I couldn't stay the way i'm supposed to be...

Single... singular... whatever...

Saturday, June 14, 2003

I miss my Dad... but of course, I didn't go to him to Lipa today to greet him personally for being one of the best fathers a daughter can have... Bad daughter...

But I really thank God that my father loved my Mom....

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

By the way.... can't remember when it was that I finally got to watch some parts of a Sex and the City episode... this blonde girl wasn't being happy-fied by her man because his pecker was small... or so she told their therapist...

The guy shot back.... that hasn't the girl ever thought her vagina to be too big... instead.... ahihihihi

Oh well... this reminds me again of a woman's limitations in gripping peckers...

i can give you hell, and i can give you heaven...and either way, i will be GOOD

after meeting you tonight, i realized that my breasts belong in your mouth

if you didn't believe in PARADISE, i swear i can still take you there

"i'd really love to make you jealous next time we meet, so that you'd possess me and mark time we mate..."

"don't you just miss heaven between my legs?"

"another week of pining for you.......hoping this my bed, i'd find you..."

"ala akong magawa.......lika dito....paligayahin moko"

"thank you for worshipping my body..."

"let's play again tomorrow"

"i've never met a man who didn't want me......YOU WILL BE NO EXCEPTION....just give me time......"

"i want to spend the next days just lovemaking with you...."

"i want all of you, your body, your soul.....i want you to lose all control..."

honey, malamig ang panahon....panggigilan mo naman ako pls?

it's the way you make love to me, it's the feelings I's the force of your's the passion of your lips.....
Two of my female chatmates.... are currently in love and being played with... by err.. taken men...

And I don't know why this should unduly sadden me so...

And it's not that I cannot get or understand or comprehend or make room for the possibility that these women can love taken men... because that, I get...

What I cannot get is how these women do not or cannot love themselves enough to respect themselves and leave these guys who, for all intents and purposes, are just looking for entertainment, diversion, quick lays, etc (why else would they have remained with the original girlfriend or the wife anyway)

Sunday, June 08, 2003

IF YOU'RE SEEING AN IMAGE OF AN ANUS... please don't think I was trying to be grossly cute... I didn't post it... please... believe me, I don't entertain that way...
How does one tell a man... that the reason a woman cannot and should not... believe his declaration of love for her.... is because it's equally devastating and traumatic for her to be deeply and irrevocably loved by a man who is married to someone else.

Imagine... being told that nobody would love you the same way... or that his love is forever... and knowing he's not anymore a candidate for spending an entire lifetime with...

Imagine... how, if you give in to the words and bank on the promised love, he can, just as easily... love someone else (aside from you and his wife) as deeply... and how he can long for someone else with an aching so strong... when he's in your arms...
Almost lost a jacket back in Boracay.... something more precious to me than the entire trip.


I feel so emaciated and starved... must be due to the entire week I wasn't enjoying the food at Pearl. Partly it's due to the really atrocious food they come up with there.... partly because I wasn't in the company of loved ones and friends.


Eventhough I did not enjoy the place as much... I am missing Boracay for the same reason I missed it some 2 years ago (first time I went there). I just loved being half-naked half the time. I even risked parading around in just this strip of cloth covering my boobs... and a sarong wrapped precariously low on my hips (in the guise of drying my henna tattoo). By golly, the place really appeals to my exhibitionistic tendencies.... And I dunno, must be because we were half-starved in the resort we were staying in... but I swear I looked slim and sexy the whole time there.... sigh..

And talk about sunkissed..... (oh wait, I was never under the sun really... hmm.. but then, why the glow... hmmm)


I really hope I can get to save some Php 10k and bring my sister there... she's been hankering for a plane ride anyway... or, we can take the Nautical Highway going there. Ahihihihi...


Speaking of sisters... mine would start college tomorrow... and again, I feel like such a mother! Anyway, I just hope she enjoys it as much as I did... and that it would propel her to real and more realistic dreams.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Ahhhh.... alas, in our walk back to the really atrocious hotel called Pearl of the Pacific (seriously guys, service was awful... and the food was soooo horrible... imagine being served menudong taba and sinigang na taba.... ever!!!) where we are holding our workshop... we chanced upon this netcafe and well... here i am to report that i am wearing this really skimpy outfit i bought here... and nothing else....

well... a really cute smile din pala.... ahehehehehehe

and tomorrow promises a really fun time for me...

w/c is good... for Boracay, w/o friends and loved ones.... can be the loneliest place on earth...

unless of course, you don't mind cheapening yourself by err.... engaging in other activities...

(besides, cute guys to flirt with are almost extinct here at this time of the month)

Sunday, June 01, 2003

I am off to Boracay tonight guys.... pray for some sun ok? and pray I can get a real sexy henna tattoo


I just realized in a real funny but somehow ego-unflattering way... that I am not as HOT as I used to be.... or that even I can be rejected... or unwanted... or uh, set aside....


My ex (4th) was texting me all night last night, keeping me updated and reporting that he was taking care and attending to... my sister... who was in the same party/gathering as he was.... weird...


Realized that masturbation has always been...and always will be.. more psychic than physical.. for me

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

This is haunting me a little....
Stream of Consciousness.....
Wednesday, no work, due to rains

"... warm body... hand gliding behind my back... hot kisses... rolling in bed... then I see myself using my red hanky blindfolding a man... we're both completely naked... we're both warm, no... HOT ... kisses... kissing... he starts fondling my right breast... my nipples are so erect because of the warm touch.. and the cold sheets..."

I open my eyes.... shift in my bed... clutch on my pillow... then fall back again in the half-sleeping, dreamy state I was in just recently.

"... i'm on top of the blindfolded man this time... rocking gently back and forth as I ride him to ecstasies he never thought possible with me... juices dripping... muscles getting clenched... unclenched... feelings of flying... dying.... liberation... soft breasts... hard, really wet shaft... grinding... gyrating.... pumping...."


"... legs spread.... thighs being pulled higher... entry.... hot sensation of juice and friction... moans... gasps... nipple-playing... me pleading... begging for more... for the big O....

I open my eyes and bite my lip.... this is one really troubled sleep....

"... doggie position... me hugging the bed to support my weight... guy riding me... intimacy... his heartbeat on my back... deep thrusts... being told how delicious and heavenly everything is... moaning again.... exhaustion..... orgasm.... orgasm...."

what time is it.... hmm....

"... myself.... biting my lip... looking intently at guy... pleading... let's use this table... please... please... sitting... spreading... lying on cold steel... moaning... being approached... being eaten... savored.... enjoyed... his head clamped to what he's eating..."

2 hours already... shit, i gotta come now....

"... sweat... gasping breath.... guy on top.... slow motion... slow lovemaking... intense passion... hips buckling... yes... more.... more... give me more... being taken... marked... pleading look... faster... faster... deeper... no stopping... eyes locked... wave after wave of wonderful sensations... ripples of his orgasm leading to one.... really.... intense... exhausting.... pleasurable.... finish..."

ahh.. wet thighs.... wet... uhm, nevermind...

not really the advisable way to wake up on a stormy, non-working day


1) Sleep with him readily on the first day.
2) Don't sleep with him.
3) Nag him to death.
4) Demand trivial things... like he should text you his whereabouts every hour, that kind of thing.
5) Be real creepy... talk about a possible married life with him on the first date.
6) Cough a lot and sneeze a lot on his food.
7) Leave unwanted marks in hs car... stains, scraches, vomit smell, etc.
8) Be more charming with his other guy friends.
9) Be competitive with his girl friends and mother
10) Sleep around while dating him.
11) Badmouth all the guys who have gone through your life (if he's sound of mind, he'd think it logical you'd do the same to him anytime soon)
12) Introduce him to your girl friends who are of more sound, stable mind (and if he's just an average guy, introduce him to your prettier, bustier friends)
13) Steal from him.
14) Make him buy you a lot of stuff.
15) Tell him over and over you're in love with him.
16) Be mushy. Cry w/o cues.
17) Be high maintenance
18) Fake a lot of orgasms... then tell him 3 days after.
19) Shout someone else's name while in the throes of orgasm with him. Or compare his kisses w/ another guy's... preferably someone he knows.
20) During lovemaking.... come up with a really big eggplant and ask him to turn around.

will add other silly stuff.... when i come up with them

Sunday, May 25, 2003

Uyyyy, belated happy birthday to Ate Ene... although she's already resting in peace somewhere... where I hope to join her someday....
Wise men say...



As I contemplate how a throat swab happens, and how it would be like to be trapped in a car (say, a coaster) travelling via RoRo and having the vessel crash/sink... the week unfolds, seemingly mourning, seemingly angry, seemingly PMS-ing in it's fickle-mindedness... hearing EVERY NOW AND THEN here at the cafe.... am getting all kinds of melodramatic and sad...

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Yes, i'm soooo pasaway, being in a net cafe where the a/c hits my back almost directly while I have this fever... not only do I risk contaminating others... but err... aggravating the sickness that has kept me on antibiotics for weeks now...


Just realized yet again why i'm still single. Pity will really go to the man who will vow to love me and care for me.. coz he'd have to deal with a wacko kind of girl, with different motivations and reasoning powers... (read: usually unreasonable).

I'm pretty sure, great sex won't be enough to compensate for all the stress and emotional roller coaster he'd have to endure. Heck.... my last ex got more gray hairs because of me than because of his job.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Didn't really watch the Maalaala Mo Kaya episode last night.... but the part I did watch was enough to rattle me into saying....


The episode last night featured this son dying of cancer. He was to be followed by his brother several years later. And I couldn't help but think how blessed my family and I have been.

I cannot imagine my mother surviving a death of a young child. I can't imagine not being scarred for life with the death of a sibling. And as much as i'd still rather my deadbeat brother in jail rather than have him kill someone (which is kinda weird since he would end up in jail anyway, if he killed anyone)... sigh... I also don't want him dead.

Oh, I know i'd forever hate him if I see him fail the future niece/nephew he'd have... but I digress...

We have been lucky. All our bills get paid on time. We never had to sell properties and body parts and our dignity just to sustain someone's medication.... or addiction...

We're all relatively healthy even if Mom is on maintenance drugs for her diabetes. We still can eat whatever we want... we're not locked up in some asylum somewhere because one of us was demented or... really contagious. My brother has only been a really slight menace to our barangay... but that's it. My sister, at age 17... still hasn't showed up at our doorstep pregnant or gang-raped.

I could go on and on... and not really to tempt fate but to really voice out how humbling it is to realize that... my family has been blessed.

And i'm really, really grateful.

I really am.
borrowed from TETA's journal.....

allow me to be mushy and... and... and.... wish that such thoughts... that this one even.... be dedicated for me....


by John Fuller

The things about you I appreciate
may seem indelicate:

I'd like to find you in the shower
And chase the soap for half an hour.
I'd like to have you in my power
and see your eyes dilate.
I'd like to have your back to scour
And other parts to lubricate.
Sometimes I feel it is my fate
To chase you screaming up a tower
or make you cower
By asking you to differentiate
Nietzsche from Schopenhauer.
I'd like to successfully guess your weight
and win you at a fete.
I'd like to offer you a flower.

I like the hair upon your shoulders,
Falling like water over boulders.
I like the shoulders, too: they are essential.
Your collar-bones have great potential
(I'd like all your particulars in folders
marked Confidential).

I like your cheeks, I like your nose,
I like the way your lips disclose
The neat arrangement of your teeth
(Half above and half beneath)
in rows.

I like your eyes, I like their fringes.
The way they focus on me gives me twinges.
Your upper arms drive me berserk.
I like the way your elbows work,
on hinges.

I like your wrists, I like your glands,
I like the fingers on your hands.
I'd like to teach them how to count,
And certain things we might exchange,
Something familiar for something strange.
I'd like to give you just the right amount
and get some change.

I like it when you tilt your cheek up.
I like the way you nod and hold a teacup.
I like your legs when you unwind them.
Even in trousers I don't mind them.
I like each softly-moulded kneecap.
I like the little crease behind them.
I'd always know, without a recap,
where to find them.

I like the sculpture of your ears.
I like the way your profile disappears
Whenever you decide to turn and face me.
I'd like to cross two hemispheres
and have you chase me.
I'd like to smuggle you across frontiers
Or sail with you at night into Tangiers.
I'd like you to embrace me.

I'd like to see you ironing your skirt
and cancelling other dates.
I'd like to button up your shirt.
I like the way your chest inflates.
I'd like to soothe you when you're hurt
Or frightened senseless by invertebrates.

I'd like you even if you were malign
And had a yen for sudden homicide.
I'd let you put insecticide
into my wine.
I'd even like you if you were the Bride of Frankenstein
Or something ghoulish out of Mamoulian's Jekyll and Hyde.
I'd even like you as my Julian of Norwich or Cathleen ni Houlihan
How melodramatic
If you were something muttering in attics
Like Mrs Rochester or a student of boolean mathematics.

You are the end of self-abuse.
You are the eternal feminine.
I'd like to find a good excuse
To call on you and find you in.
I'd like to put my hand beneath your chin.
And see you grin.
I'd like to taste your Charlotte Russe,
I'd like to feel my lips upon your skin,
I'd like to make you reproduce.

I'd like you in my confidence.
I'd like to be your second look.
I'd like to let you try the French Defence
and mate you with my rook.
I'd like to be your preference
and hence
I'd like to be around when you unhook.
I'd like to be your only audience,
The final name in your appointment book,
your future tense.
Two things about muscle control that people should remember....

1) The man has got to have enough length....and enough girth..... I mean, a woman, no matter how trained her PC muscles may be... cannot simply squeeze what it cannot have a grip on.

2) A very wet, dripping woman will also have a hard time getting a hold on a pecker. Chances are, everything will just keep sliding/slipping....

i'm just wondering.... if a person is saying goodbye to a loved one... because their relationship just wouldn't work... do they start singing.... Love will lead you back by Taylor Dane (?)?


I have some sort of writer's block.... it really sucks that I can't access my own blog, and therefore, fail to see if my posts are getting comments whatsoever.


I have been officially sick for 3 weeks now... and I have also been indescribably horny... which has led me to despicably humiliating err.... encounters with myself... not that it wasn't gratifying... not that sleeping after was hard... but still.... i hate self-inflicted satisfaction....

unless it's WC

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Say you're a girl.... and you're liking a boy who is liking you back... it seems...

And then you find out, that a friend of yours is liking and falling for the same boy....

Do you withdraw?

Thursday, May 15, 2003


Come on insert name of guy here, make me your b!tch!!!

“Let’s stop texting and start ____-ing”

If you can make me have at least 3 consecutive orgasms in 3 minutes max…come on over, I need you

hear me moan......
how do you want my tongue?"

"i will wear you out....."

you're not yet a real man till you're squeezed by me

bring your digi gonna bring my lingerie....oh, and my naked bod...

i can still feel your mouth...

tell me, would you really rather i undress myself? won't you do it for me?

imagine me and my red thongs with feathers....with strawberry jam and a can of whipped cream.....and nothing else...

i can't wait to be shouting HARDER, MORE, PUSH...DON'T STOP...FASTER...YES...YES....OH YES.....OH I BEG YOU TO NOT STOP....RAM ME....F#CK you....

all of a sudden, i wanna be flashing my tits at think you'll ever wanna suck them?

promise me, that you will bite....

know that my mouth has always taken men to places....they've never been......

Tuesday, May 13, 2003


Guess what am wearing underneath the jacket...
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to

Song - Independent Women
Album - Charlie's Angels Soundtrack

Lucy Liu... with my girl, Drew... Cameron D. and Destiny
Charlie's Angels, Come on
Uh uh uh

Question: Tell me what you think about me
I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings
Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin lonely
When it's all over please get up and leave
Question: Tell me how you feel about this
Try to control me boy you get dismissed
Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills
Always 50/50 in relationships

The shoes on my feet
I've bought it
The clothes I'm wearing
I've bought it
The rock I'm rockin'
'Cause I depend on me

If I wanted the watch you're wearin'
I'll buy it
The house I live in
I've bought it
The car I'm driving
I've bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)

All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that

Tell me how you feel about this
Who would I want if I would wanna live
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get
Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent
Question: How'd you like this knowledge that I brought
Braggin' on that cash that he gave you is to front
If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money you flaunt
Depend on noone else to give you what you want

The shoes on my feet
I've bought it
The clothes I'm wearing
I've bought it
The rock I'm rockin'
'Cause I depend on me
If I wanted the watch you're wearin'
I'll buy it
The house I live in
I've bought it
The car I'm driving
I've bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)

All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that

Destiny's Child
You in the house?
Sure 'nuff
We'll break these people off Angel style

Child of Destiny
Independent beauty
Noone else can scare me
Charlie's Angels

Woah All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
(repeat until fade)

it had to take Cebu to make me actually listen to this song's lyrics.... fits me well....


Pardon me while I burst
Pardon me while I burst
A decade ago, I never thought I would be.
A twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion woe is me
But I guess that it comes with the territory.
An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me
So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Not, two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from.
The burdens of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...
And thinking so much differently.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Never be the same...yeah.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
So pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Pardon me, never be the same. Yeah

- PARDON ME by Incubus

sigh.... the theme song of my joyride with Otep.... thank you labski for being the most wonderful tour guide... and being most motherly when am getting sicker than usual....