QUICK....

am stressed... am toxic... am horny (as usual) and am depressed

Send me White Chocolates!!!!!!!

I'm a bitch
well yeah... i can be real bitchy... and well, if you consider all the men i've wanted to make sagpang in my head... man, i'm one hella promiscuous woman

I'm a lover
the weird thing is... I am one faithful lover.. and when I love a guy, I honestly LOVE a guy all out... i'm brave and child-like that way...

I'm a child
Ha... self-explanatory... especially if one sees how I am at home

I'm a mother
I know I am one.. why the hell would I have so many labskis hankering for counseling... why else would I be spending so much on nieces and nephews.. and crying for a niece's pain when her deadbeat dad doesn't show he loves her... or be protective of my sister.. my cousins.. why else would I hate rapists and child molesters so much?

I'm a sinner
Ergo... the gate filter banning me from actually seeing my site.... and well, the tumultuous experiences i've had growing up

I'm a saint
There are just some things I cannot do... like have an abortion... or submit myself to orgies wherein i'd be reduced to just a hole several guys can explore... or hurt my parents the way some parents have been hurt by their children...

I do not feel ashamed
Why should I? But sometimes, I do need to protect some loved ones from some aspects of my life... it's bad enough my parents had to know I was no longer a virgin... but they really shouldn't learn of what I share on the net... or how I like my men in bed... euuuhhhhh....

I'm your hell
Hahahahahaha.... pity the man who will take it upon himself to love me forever and also be forever subjected to.... my mood swings

I'm your dream
Err... *speechless* I do not want to assume for other men (on a playful note, wouldn't a man want to be with a playful, multiple orgasmic girl?)

I'm nothing in between
Actually... I like to think I cannot be labelled and contained by just one word... or one paragraph... hmm.. weird...

And you know you wouldn't want it any other way
Well, I wouldn't be MEC if I was uhm.. otherwise... right?

Say I have a boyfriend... or a husband... or an exclusive FuBu... or am a mistress... just say that am one taken woman involved with a heterosexual man.

Then I start having carnal thoughts about a woman... a bi woman... and ok, not so carnal thoughts because the most i've been imagining is kissing her and being held by her....

Then... I realize that there is an opportunity coming up wherein I can actually get a chance to kiss her (the woman is uhm... not averse to my charms).

If... I tell my man... that... come weekend, I am hoping to be wrapped in the arms of this one hot chick...

... my own tits cradled softly by hers...

... my nose gloriously taking her scent....

... my hands caressing her back... gently touching her softness, her warmth... her tummy... her tits maybe... her hair.... her face...

....my lips.... lost in the excited warmth of her mouth... gently explored... achingly teased... agressive and shy at the same time... my tongue tentatively reaching depths totally new to me... having never kissed a girl before....

feeling... for the first time... the explosive rush of excitement as I kiss a person as warm, gentle, soft and passionate as I am...

I wonder if i'd have a lovers' quarrel to attend to....

Will my man understand... will he take it against me... will he feel threatened? Will love be lost because I experimented?

Stupid gate filter says my blog is 94% likely to be sexual in nature. Hmmpfff!!!!

*~*

Ha! I got someone really, really, really horny for me with my uhm... Frustrated Missy Adventure... I was expressly told that he'd want to be Buddy, only, he'd initiate the possibilities of uhm... going to heaven.

*~*

MIRTH
noun
... laughter, gaiety, merriment

it's nice to have come to a point where most of my days are filled with such.... I never knew this would happen to me when I was raging against hormones during adolescence and losing my innocence...

I was an unhappy child with a happy childhood. I was an unhappy adolescent with a turbulent adolescence. But from where i'm sitting right now, I am one happy woman with a happy, meaningful-with-rooms-for-improvement, life...

I wish there would be more belly laughs to fill my days with though...

There is someone I am really missing. I cannot help it, I visit his old blog from time to time... hoping to know what's up with him... whether he's ok.. whether he's mending... whether he's still upset... whether there's a chance for us to be friends again...

I cannot take back what I said. And this time, I know I won't change my mind.

Stupidly though... I am wishing that though I've finally decided to say goodbye to possibilities with him... the friendship did not have to end.

And i'm wondering... how many more alter-egos do I have to lose in the quest for real love... and why are they turning out to be not meant for me?

Sigh.

I'm sure he doesn't know how much I still worry about his happiness. But he's lying to himself and to me if he'd tell me that I AM HIS HAPPINESS. If I was, it wouldn't have been so hard for him to fight for me. It wouldn't have been necessary for him to justify why he... loves me. He'd have just done it...

It's so sad when love stories end. It's sadder when.... good friends have to be given up...

Having wet dreams on a Friday morning is NO WAY to start a weekend.

*~*

Which reminds me, I had a massage last Wednesday at the mezzanine of our office (and of course, after office hours). I fell asleep with just my thongs on and prone-lying on the wooden bed there. I woke up when I felt a hand touching/caressing my p***y. The first thought that came to mind was, "Oh my bloody gosh, I'm being molested!!!!!"

It was just my masseuse massaging my thighs. But I was really wondrin' why her hands kept uhm... touching my privates... I mean, she used to be soooo careful before. For a second there, I even wondered if my former officemate guy (who recently died) was the one responsible for her.... uhm.. careless... hands...

Suffice it to say I wasn't able to sleep again... and was relieved to have her stop massaging my thighs.

Weird.

The war we should fight is the war against SARS. The government should simply ban everybody from the affected countries (or at least, have them get certificates from their country that they are SARS-free and be quarantined for 14 days there before flying/being shipped to the Philippines)

Drastic... yes... but doable. We seriously don't need this kind of problem... and our way of life (esply the urban poor) will just allow the virus to fester and spread really fast.

I'm serious. It's scary.

My attraction/preference over silent, conservative-authoritative types is rearing its ugly head again... I have to keep reminding myself that though such guys pose a challenge for me... I could do away with the hassle of playing the second-guessing game all over again...

I already got hurt big time because of it... why court disaster again, ryt?

*~*

*grumble*

I should get a medal and cash award for battling my horniness. Really....

Then again.... it's the sad fate of all those who chose chastity and celibacy, isn't it? Maybe.. I really should reconsider the propositions coming my way.... am sure, some of them could be discreet... and could satisfy me... and could teach me new tricks (wow, just like a dog)... and maybe silence me for awhile....

Sigh.

I am soooooooooooooooooo mainstream-moral. Ugh.

For those who are wondering how I spent my Holy Week, please click here.

*~*~*~*

The Sun is sure making me unattractive.

*~*~*~*

I have often said before that I will never try to smoke... but given the chance, I would try drugs. But when I got the opportunity to be in a crowd who tried JUTES (do I say that with 's' when it's just one stick/roll that was shared among them?), sigh, I realized I wasn't even curious about it all.

I wasn't pressured to try it... and I was even kinda upset with myself that I wasn't interested at all... But I just wasn't. And well, I'm proud of myself and thankful that I have always been the kind of girl who knows how to learn without the actual experience... or at least, from the bad experiences.. and worse, the bad beginnings of others...

*~*~*~*

Except for SEX of course.... i've always vowed to be a non-virgin when I get married

I soooo want a digicam.... it's making me sick...

And I don't wanna be envious of other people... and I don't wanna live beyond my means... and I don't wanna be superficial...

But I just really wanna take better pictures of my travels.

how does one fall off a jeep?

the falling off the jeep was kinda funny..... i was going down from topload... and my camera fell... and all the guys waiting for me scrambled to pick the cam up coz it was raining... and i also looked at the cam and failed to watch my foot... so i slipped... and nobody was watching me to catch my fall.... so i landed on my back.... before they even knew i fell :D

ang cute ko... kainesssss

(conversation in a message board)

MISSY ADVENTURES
"Frustrated"

Missy and Buddy met through Yahoo Messenger. They instantly clicked and would usually spend nights just talking about stuff, relationships and other stuff. Buddy is this torpe-ish kind of guy while Missy... well... she's definitely not conservative. They're not falling in love or anything, both are just really friends.

*~*

Missy and Buddy at a mall... Buddy would elbow Missy whenever he sees a cute girl. Missy would pinch Buddy's back when she sees a cutie. And both would criticize each other's choices.

*~*

Buddy joins Missy and another girl friend to go dancing. Buddy later tells Missy that he was frightened of her girl friend because she looked like she's gonna eat any man alive. With Buddy easily overwhelmed, he's not getting laid.

*~*

Missy tagged along with Buddy and his climbing friends. She refused to go with them again because her tentmate snored so loudly she wasn't able to sleep.

*~*

To appease Missy, Buddy asked her to go on a roadtrip with her... the ACU of the car broke down and they had to go back.

*~*

Buddy invited Missy again to another climb.. and this time, they didn't share the tent with others. Missy had fun this time... and as Buddy was lying, sleeping soundly beside her.. she started feeling horny... ALL kinds of horny... and so, she again spent a restless night in the wilderness, bothered by Buddy's smell.... wondering how it would feel to be enveloped in his powerful arms... and clamped by his powerful thighs... and to have his mouth on every inch of her....

Missy decided to behave. Thus, she did not self-gratify.

On the busride home, as Buddy was sleeping beside her, she again smelled Buddy's scent and the fantasies begun again. That night, she gratified herself.... three times...

*~*

Missy refused to go camping with Buddy again. They would just talk on the phone instead.

*~*

Missy met Buddy to watch a movie. His scent and maleness bothered her libido again. So, she refused to meet with him again to do the things they usually do.

*~*

Missy finally agrees to go camping with Buddy again. When she found herself checking out Buddy's ass... she calls for a 5-minute break, gets Buddy aside and tells him this...

"Buddy... I've been doing something wrong.. see, I started lusting after you.. as in, you know, wanting you to kiss me and stuff... good thing I didn't crawl all over you the last time we camped. I swear, if you only know... how tormented i've been by the sight of you... and my gosh, you smell so.. so... well, nice... it just really makes me want to eat you... you know... and ok, I think I haven't gotten over this thing because I've been guilty about harboring such thoughts... I mean, I know I shouldn't be wanting to tie you up or something... right.. and well, the guilt is like, making me want you more... and am starting to get stuck.. because am sooo frustarated... so well, ok, I now told you.. and i'm sorry... And it's nothing, I'm just weird this way... hehehehehe... O ano, tara na?"

True enough, Missy wasn't lusting after him anymore.

3rd installation of TEXT MESSAGES
Heaven help me, i'm going to leave you guys with something to read!!!!

pang-initial encounter
i think i need to be spanked....would you do the honors?

pang-2nd encounter
don't you want to be naked with me again?

pang-marami nang encounters
nde ba, practice makes perfect?

pang-specific request
lika dito, doggie tayo

"now, am craving your body..."

i've masturbated since you saw me last, and because of you

what can I promise to give you, that will give you an erection right now?

how do i blow thee, let me count the ways....

If i tell you that am all alone, wet and warm, eager and willing and raring to be enslaved.......will you COME?

Can’t I try just to make you a little bit harder..? Can’t you give me just a little bit more orgasms?

Don't you even miss, the way i kiss, the way i feel, the way i squeeze

you should be blindfolded and naked......and my sex slave

Hurry don't be late
I can hardly wait
Ok, i'd start without you...

"make me beg...."

for you to ....just be licking me again...just to be pumping inside....just to be responding to my every moan.....ahh, i'll do anything......

wanted: a guy to suck on this tube ice hanging on my tits

"suck me, while am grinding...."

honey, just got back from Baguio and I have strawberry jam...when are you licking it off me

"a part of me has been practicing
of squeezing you while you're in"
(dang kegel exercises and my pathetic attempts at poetry)

your hands on my body
my tits in your mouth..."

bad text
”I’ve just gotten laid, and not by you”

Great... we had this bomb drill happen.. and were asked to just bring personal, important belongings and vacate the building... while outside, guys from the Planning Department asked my officemate why I didn't bring my precious tabo with me...

Mean guys.... hmmpff!!!!

*~*

Meanwhile, I was crushing on the SOG from Coast Guard, men wearing these tight shorts for uniforms.... sigh, i've always loved a great, firm thigh...

*~*

Another crush was... this Labrador k-9 :)

If terrorists had wanted to disable the PNP some, they could have bombed the 5th floor of our building yesterday, from 1:30 PM to 4:30 PM. They would have even taken away some WPD, PCG and PPA top officials.

Ok, that is not a good joke. But it’s such thoughts that come to mind whenever I attend such prestigious meetings, to do un-prestigious tasks.

*~*

One PNP alalay had the gall to ask me for a charger. I could have shot him there and then.

*~*

Another PNP alalay did not even have the decency to ask me nicely to shoo the media people away. Just because I did not have a badge and wasn’t carting a gun and chaperoning someone else who has a badge and gun doesn’t mean he was a better person than I am. Really, politeness isn’t overrated.

*~*

What is it with PNP officials anyway… that they have to bring legions of alalays just to attend a meeting.. and why do their support technical assistant (read: person who will present the powerpoint presentation for them, reading from a brief and possibly… gasp… shock… operating a laptop) also has to have alalays? I mean, how many PNP people does it take to insert a diskette in a laptop anyway?

Again, just because these men have taken it upon themselves to make the Philippines secure doesn’t mean they are more important people than others. They CHOSE to lay their lives on the line… so they shouldn’t be strutting around as if all of them is the President.

*~*~

On a kinder note, when a really high official arrives, you can see the genuine respect and admiration from the eyes of every other PNP man. They would all greet the high official and go out of their way to make him comfortable. And you can almost see the unwritten story in how they look at the official… maybe, this one led them to a victorious operation.. maybe that one embodied professionalism and courage… maybe this other one is a friend who once laid his life to protect someone else’s life…

*~*

the bad news
Davao and Zamboanga are really threatened. I know am not saying anything that isn’t already known, what with the bombings at Davao.. but I would like to reiterate that in all the back corridors of intelligence… Davao is the number one on the terrorists’ agenda.

the good news
Philippine authorities are doing what they should.. and what they can…

I wonder if I’d be punished for uhm, this sort of breach of info. Anyway, people from those places, do take care. And please assist and cooperate with the authorties when you can. They can always come up with great plans but if you guys won’t help them implement these plans, nothing will be improved… certainly, not the economy and your peace and order situation there…

*~*

I saw my manager crush. Shucks, all it really takes is one look from him and I just can’t help but feel HOT and BOTHERED. He rattled me so much, I ended up ignoring/neglecting another manager. Hehehe… I still really wanna know why he’s called the KISSING BANDIT by friends.

I sooo hate the person I become when stressed....

And it's soooo bad that i've always been able to put across how I feel in words... and thus, offend some people even if am not angry with them.. and even if I didn't mean to...

And really, pity the man and family I have/will have.... when I am this bitchy!

I know I saw this one posted in well... err... anyway... didn't know the sng then... and so sad to be appreciating it now...

Daniel Bedingfield
If You're Not The One

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I

TO THE PERSON WHO IS GETTING OBSSESSED WITH ME AND MY BLOG: Nowhere in this blog did I say that i'm pretty and beautiful. And as much as you make me laugh sometimes, i'm also concerned that you're no longer thinking straight. I mean, why waste time and effort to actually visit my blog? Why waste your energies in being upset and offended and threatened by me? I mean, if I don't know you in person, the chances of me seducing/rejecting you, or your guy, is pretty... zero, ryt?

*~*~*~*

One of my officemates is this guy old enough to be my father who took it upon himself to have lunch with me when I first worked here. We still have lunch together. It has been 3 years. And so, I have been party... ugh, what a term, witness... to his fight with cancer. So far, thank God... he's been declared cancer-free for over a year now. Still, the repercussions of undergoing radiation therapy couldn't be denied.

Anyway, before, it was him and another cancer-ridden officemate (the one who died) who would have lunch with me. And so, as I savor the leche flan (the only wonderful thing about lunch at work), they will regale me with stories about how painful everything is.. from the botched injections to chemotherapy aftermaths, to deadly concoctions and hopelessness...

Anyway, backgrounder aside... I sometimes really wish that this living officemate would stop telling me about how something ruptured in his ear and stained his pillow with pus.... while we're eating lunch..

I mean.. pus is pus... in whatever language and however sweetly you may refer to it.. it does not stop being this awful stuff that makes me wanna throw up..

Promise!!!!

problem
a horniness that brings with it the ff:
~ inability to concentrate
~ some shakes (mostly in hands and feet)
~ headache
~ tummy ache
~ inability to stop kegel exercises
~ really f*cking soiled undies at work
~ ranting all over the net
~ sense of desperation, similar to what's felt by a junkie deprived of drugs
~ sexual daydreams involving labskis and male buddies I never thought of sexually before
~ intense desire to eat flesh
~ dizziness

possible cure
at least 7 hours of sexual activities, with at least 35 orgasms from my end...

why 7 hours
because the guy would need to rest some, we have to eat one decent meal (and incorporate the suckling and nipplick and licking while having the meal) and i've gotta pee after each male orgasm

what's funny
I was born conservative and shy.

what's funnier
Of all times to be left alone, this week had to be it! As in nobody is propositioning to live out my fantasies with me.

What's weird
I'm blogging this.

What's gonna happen next
Either i self-gratify myself again or..... heaven help men... or... i throw a tantrum at home.

No, really, what's gonna happen next?
I'm gonna buy myself lots of white chocolate on the way home and binge.

SECOND PAGE OF CONSOLIDATED TEXT ME, I'LL TASTE YOU REPLIES I POSTED...

you and me and honey poured on our bodies…tonyt!

am alone in a motel room waiting for dinner at 7...wish i'll be eating you instead

am horny
come by the house, quick!
am alone

when am depressed, i wallow
when am horny, i swallow

horny again.....naturally...

"my bed needs warming....."

uhm, they've always said flames and fires are borne of FRICTION...

i don't think i can really suck your pecker off...but am game, and we can try!!!

WHEN YOU COME BACK, BE MINE...SAY YOU'LL BE MINE...

LEMME BLOW YOU

OPEN UP, MY TONGUE IS HEAVEN

"...but am BAD in BED....as in i REALLY SUCK..."

lika dito...sex tayo...

"lika dito.....laro tayo...." (kasi alang finesse yung una)

for today, am wearing a red skirt, pink thongs...and eager butt ready to be spanked...

such a perfect night for me to warm you, no?"

masarap ako"

read in pex that humming while giving head feels nice....wanna be my practice d!ck?

fancy a f@ck?
(the caption on the t-shirt of that gross guy in the movie Notting Hill)

"let me lose myself in sucking you..."

lahat ibibigay sa'yo

"I want my cake, while eating you"

bought this new pair of thongs that are just made to be...played with

Weird.. someone sent me a business card of my cellphone number... under the name of BITCH.

Dang person was too stupid to add "SEXY" and "DELISYUS" to the word... hmmm.. maybe he/she/it can only spell the word that applies to her... or the word he uses on women who reject him... hmm....

My officemate died last Saturday. Of course, nobody at the office thought to inform me.

Anyway, at least, Mang Ver didn't suffer as much.

*~*~*

My aunt says it's not leukemia. Am not quite sure if it was her red blood cells eating up her white blood cells or the other way around but that's it. She's being taken care of so she won't progress to cancer. And she's seen a hematologist. And her room is always surrounded by her staff and the nursing students at the school she runs in General Santos City.

I pray she makes it and fully recovers.

Thank God for small blessings.

Our officemate had a stroke Monday. Now he's very critical and in ICU. And the family that has let his health deteriorate is now pestering our office for money. Which is, in a way, understandable since they're not really well-off. But the fact that my officemate's grown-up kids did not take it upon themselves to look for jobs and help financially before... just really leaves a bad taste in our mouth. And it's so sad that during such times, you get to know who really cares and hopes and fights with you... and who has already given up on you.

And I fear, if I would be stricken with a deadly and expensive disease, I might just opt to leave my family and die alone. Better that than run my family to the dust with poverty... or see the silent wish in their faces to be rid of me.

*~*~*

Speaking of disasters, I don't know what to do right now. I just heard that my favorite aunt and who I consider my second mom... has been taken to hospital. They say it's leukemia. Her kids (one of which is living with us) don't know it yet. How can we break the news to them? I'm worried on who'd take care of my Tita Acela... and of course, the expense. I worry how to tell the kids.. my cousins, the youngest of whom is only 8 years old... I worry because she's in General Santos City and her family is all here in Luzon. I worry because I don't have all the information yet. I worry because I love her.

And i'm angry that she refused to have herself checked time and again. I'm angry that she's such a good person who doesn't even know how to get angry which might have resulted to the cancer. I'm angry because i'm not in a position to hold her now...

And I don't know who to call to cry to...

And i'm due for a Banahaw climb tonight and i'm wondering if I should still go...

And i'm wondering... is this why i've been lonely the whole week?

Am always libidinal. I'm always horny. And yet, i'm not at all challenged and excited by men who offer me stuff in exchange for sex (despite the wish sometimes that I am not so moral or conservative or proud), who i met over the net, who only want ONS, who just fancied me because the other one they fancy is unavailable or unattainable...

I mean am halfway to being 26, surely this is not the time to have meaningless relationships. And it may be faultless to insist to only sleep with a man who will cuddle with me after and run by me stuff that he may want to do to/with me... But again, am too old to be exchanging bodily fluids with jerks.

I am sexually liberated... even when I live without actual sexperiences. And I don't see any hypocrisy in that.

Am currently hearing the song SPECIAL MEMORY which reminded me of GLD, my first The Company album which he gave me when he resigned from the NGO where we met (and when we were still trying to deny our feelings for each other), and High School graduation....

I will always cherish wonderful moments... given me.

I am really worried about people I know who are in Singapore and Hongkong right now... and I feel bad somehow for being thankful that Philippines wasn't really hit by SARS (yet)...

So Regina and your gang, Adjie, Mart... you all take care, please?

*~*~*

Btw, Regina, to the possibility of being stalked... err, I just got word am due to be shot tomorrow at 7:00 PM at 7-11 Buendia by my old time creepy, psycho guy. I just hope he doesn't miss if he's going to really do it... or all hell would break lose. Nobody.. and I mean, nobody.. hurts my friends and gets away with it.

Eyes On Me by Faye Wong

I never sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
I never said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar
My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Did you ever know?
That I had mine on you
Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer
So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you
Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming
Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

- I just love listening to this song... soooo lullaby-like... soothing... comforting...

*~*~*

He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha
You would
Have done
The same!


ahihihi....