I really have weird, un-nice guy friends. Was able to chat on YM yesterday, and what do they do? Tell me about their recent oral sex moments.
Arrrgh... and of course, when you tell them to spare you the gory details of licking and sucking and tongue-f*cking a woman, they only get too happy to bedevil you with envy and visual images that will haunt you for hours. And you, who is kinda not as libidinal as before, but is human nonetheless, and a healthy, sensual woman at that... resort to eating cashew nuts and cake the whole night to see your horniness through.
Sigh. May they get itchy lips.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Recently remembered that when I was back in high school, around the 2nd year, a friend started dabbling in the arts of sexual intimacy. At first, while am in the midst of living vicariously through Sweet Dreams romance novels, she would turn to me and tell me how her bf is a good kisser. She was the first person who told me how she absolutely tingles when the guy sucks on her lower lip (not YET that lower lip/s ok?). Pointer well taken.
Then, in 3rd year, she got more notorious. Rumors of fellow batchmates finding her naked in uhm, different sexual positions with her bf circulated the whole campus. Heard that she's been caught way too many times by different people on her fours, having the guy pump her from behind. Yeah, the doggie position.... And I remember thinking before...What kind of girl would allow herself to have that done to her?
Well, after so many years, I finally have the answer to that question.
THE KIND OF GIRL WHO WANTS ONE ORGASM AFTER ANOTHER.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Nope, not horny here......promise!!!!
Thursday, January 30, 2003
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
Watched 8 Mile obviously, needed the angst to uhm, comfort my own negative emotions... And the movie was indeed good. Anyway, like this particular part of the song... surrendering and doing your best... and making the most of every chance you get in accomplishing dreams...
You own it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo
Watched 8 Mile obviously, needed the angst to uhm, comfort my own negative emotions... And the movie was indeed good. Anyway, like this particular part of the song... surrendering and doing your best... and making the most of every chance you get in accomplishing dreams...
Q & A with Mec
what do you like?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what do you love?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
favorite food?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what is most enjoyable for you to do?
eat WHITE CHOCOLATE
what makes you fall in love?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what is the shortest way to your heart?
though my stomach and WHITE CHOCOLATE
what is the best thing about sex?
when there's WHITE CHOCOLATE in it
what is the best thing to do after lovemaking?
eating WHITE CHOCOLATE
what do you do when sad?
i eat WHITE CHOCOLATE
what comforts your soul?
WHITE CHOCOLATE in bed and a good book
what makes you happy?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what makes you sad?
lack of WHITE CHOCOLATE
how do guys woo you?
thru WHITE CHOCOLATE
best gift you can receive?
VISA everywhere and WHITE CHOCOLATE
collection...
WHITE CHOCOLATE wrappers
what do you wish to receive on Valentines?
good book and WHITE CHOCOLATE
what are you never without?
a lipstick and WHITE CHOCOLATE
what looks best on your body?
WHITE CHOCOLATE, esply on the err...
what is pitiful?
people who don't love WHITE CHOCOLATE
what drives you crazy?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what makes you really, really horny?
err...guess :D
what do you like?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what do you love?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
favorite food?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what is most enjoyable for you to do?
eat WHITE CHOCOLATE
what makes you fall in love?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what is the shortest way to your heart?
though my stomach and WHITE CHOCOLATE
what is the best thing about sex?
when there's WHITE CHOCOLATE in it
what is the best thing to do after lovemaking?
eating WHITE CHOCOLATE
what do you do when sad?
i eat WHITE CHOCOLATE
what comforts your soul?
WHITE CHOCOLATE in bed and a good book
what makes you happy?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what makes you sad?
lack of WHITE CHOCOLATE
how do guys woo you?
thru WHITE CHOCOLATE
best gift you can receive?
VISA everywhere and WHITE CHOCOLATE
collection...
WHITE CHOCOLATE wrappers
what do you wish to receive on Valentines?
good book and WHITE CHOCOLATE
what are you never without?
a lipstick and WHITE CHOCOLATE
what looks best on your body?
WHITE CHOCOLATE, esply on the err...
what is pitiful?
people who don't love WHITE CHOCOLATE
what drives you crazy?
WHITE CHOCOLATE
what makes you really, really horny?
err...guess :D
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
One of my new-found friends (naks, friend ko na sya!), Jojo is studying to be a medical doctor... an ObGyne to be more specific. I just can't help wondering sometimes whether gynecology won't destroy vaginas for him.. (i mean, how can you wonder and worship such a body part, after making kalikot and smelling them all day?)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dexter, our dog of i've forgotten how many years, who was displaced to Lipa to guard my lola's house instead, is already dead. Mom told me last night that they don't even know where or when he died. It seems, he was shot by someone at the penile area last 01 January... (forgive me God, but I really wish for speedy karma on the man who did it to him) and just like most dogs that have come before him that served the clan house, it's obvious that he decided instead to die without us seeing him do so. He was still alive after he was shot... only, he refused to eat or have anyone come near him. Then, they can't recall when he stopped coming home... he just stopped coming home... and we know, he's already dead somewhere in the backyard jungle...
So, when I go to Lipa to visit, there won't be Dexter anymore to watch me cross the street and wait till I board the bus.
Ahhh, heaven knows how much more it will hurt when it's Brutus' time to go....sigh, talk about pets and love....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dexter, our dog of i've forgotten how many years, who was displaced to Lipa to guard my lola's house instead, is already dead. Mom told me last night that they don't even know where or when he died. It seems, he was shot by someone at the penile area last 01 January... (forgive me God, but I really wish for speedy karma on the man who did it to him) and just like most dogs that have come before him that served the clan house, it's obvious that he decided instead to die without us seeing him do so. He was still alive after he was shot... only, he refused to eat or have anyone come near him. Then, they can't recall when he stopped coming home... he just stopped coming home... and we know, he's already dead somewhere in the backyard jungle...
So, when I go to Lipa to visit, there won't be Dexter anymore to watch me cross the street and wait till I board the bus.
Ahhh, heaven knows how much more it will hurt when it's Brutus' time to go....sigh, talk about pets and love....
I would just like to thank God here, for the miracle that is saving my friend's Dad... hope Libet's dad recovers fully and that he be given the chance to watch his grandkids grow up...
(Asked friends and cousins to pray for Tatay, and my cousin, a Christian who just recently lost her own father, told me she prayed this way ... God, Miau asked me to pray for this person, and I don't really know him, but YOU know him better that any of us will, and so I pray for him and whatever Your will is..)
Sigh, God is Good
(Asked friends and cousins to pray for Tatay, and my cousin, a Christian who just recently lost her own father, told me she prayed this way ... God, Miau asked me to pray for this person, and I don't really know him, but YOU know him better that any of us will, and so I pray for him and whatever Your will is..)
Sigh, God is Good
SHARINGS FROM THE PAST
++++++++++++++++
I have actually found myself to be comfortable with myself. I mean, I just love who I am. I love all my quirks, all my depressive qualities, all my faults. I actually accept who I am, all my limitations, all my potentials, all my past. And I actually like being the noisy, wacko kind of person that I have been ever since I was born. I also like being weird, being erratic, being charming, being flirty. I like my individualistic intelligence, my flair for drama, my tears. And I am not saying I am not changing, or that I am not striving to be a better version of ME. What I am saying though is, I am secure with who I am today and look forward to being secure with the person I am becoming.
But that is when am all alone. Because sometimes, a person just makes me feel unworthy, insecure, envious, jealous…a victim. Sometimes, there are just people who, without meaning to I guess, make me feel that there’s something wrong with me, that I have to change…and change according to his or her expectations. And these people just make me feel bad about myself. And I don’t like that. I hate being made to feel that I am not good enough just the way I am. And I hate the idea that had I only been prettier, had I been more disciplined, or more reserved, or more lady-like, or less emotional…they’d love me better, or they’d accept me more.
Luckily, it’s easier to surround myself with friends who actually care about me, and not just one or two of my qualities. My friends don’t even demand that I satisfy their needs, or the image of me they want to be. They love me just the way I am, supporting me through difficult times, appreciating me in my better moments…and not enabling me when am being bad.
It’s harder to have that kind of acceptance from colleagues…especially if they’re not of my generation. And they don’t have any need in them to actually know where am coming from. Working together only really requires that I behave professionally and do my work. It’s not in their job descriptions after all to make room for individuals like me.
It’s harder still to have the general population just respect that I am a person apart from them, without any obligation to conform to their expectations. Then again, I don’t really care about the opinions of people I don’t know.
And I’ve just realized that a man who will tell me he wishes that I am less this or more that simply isn’t good enough for me. I’ve realized that he doesn’t really love me, worse, he may not be capable of real loving. Accepting me should not depend on what my past has been. Accepting me should not even have conditions. Understanding me shouldn’t require rationalizations and explanations. If he met me this way, he would love me this way. Because if he couldn’t, then he really shouldn’t even try nor pretend that he would…someday.
And yes, I am guilty of also wishing some people would be more this and less that…but I like to believe that among my friends and significant others, I haven’t come close to making “strings” of that. Despite my friends’ weaknesses and idiosyncracies, I love them anyway. Despite a man’s weirdness or irresponsiveness, I love him anyway. Because, it’s the loving them that’s important to me. And changing for the better is something we all do in our own time, at our own pace, of our own volition.
Now, to surround myself with people who actually just love me. Period.
- August 10, 2001 after watching Bridget Jones’ Diary
~*~*~*~*~*~*
MY VAGINA MANIFESTO
Ok, everybody here probably knows that this is an aftershock of the play I watched last night….THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES…
I do not really know what to say, but I will play the fool and say things anyway (in this case, post anyway) because am gonna burst!!!
I was fetched by my date for the night and we met with my friends at Shangri-la before heading to Greenhills. My girl friend and I were very excited, being away for too long from our NGO and missing talking about such stuff. Anyway, I indulged everybody with seats 3 rows, dead center from the stage. And was it an experience.
It’s not so much the monologues, it’s not so much the personalities that they were able to re-create in front of us, it was not so much the faked-but-sounding-real moans, or the puns, or Monique Wilson, or the stories…
It was more than me being a woman who can relate with the issue….it was about ME! I was and I still am that issue.
It was the things I realized about myself, and the things that I still have to do. And it was such a comforting feeling that these women on-stage are giving voice to what has always been an important but very sensitive matter.
I have always prided myself about being a strong enough woman with a healthy attitude towards my sexuality. And last night, I was able to celebrate that fact. I cannot put in words how entertained I was, how enlightened, how awed, how everything sounded like it was ME talking, whether they were going on about heartless, insensitive pigs shaving a woman’s vagina without care, girls being raped, women with women lovers, women who had good experiences with men, giving birth…
And now, I post this, not to create another controversy, not to be naughty, or whatever. I am posting this because I want to affirm my choices. It wasn’t always a pleasant trip…and I still have a long way to go. But I am a sexual being and I celebrate that. I am mighty glad that I have a clitoris and a vagina and a uterus, the ‘things’ that actually make us different from men, and that I know their purpose. I am glad that I have experienced my sexuality. That I have had orgasms. I rejoice in the knowledge that I get wet when pleasured. That I can give pleasure. That I am not frigid. That I have been with men who knew how to love a woman. That I will someday give birth. That once, my own mother literally opened herself up and bore intense pain just to have me in this world.
And please, I am not espousing that all women out there go out and have sex. It is not about being a virgin or not, being married or not, being pregnant or not…
The important thing is that women, other women, know and acknowledge the fact that aside from being spiritual beings, we are also sexual beings. WOMEN, LADIES…you are sexual beings. You have a clitoris, with double the nerves than a guy’s penis, a thing that has more nerves than your lips, your hands, your tongues. You have a body. You have a vagina. Explore yourselves. Be yourselves. Dress in the way you want to get dressed. Love your bodies. Give yourselves a voice and make yourselves heard. Take care of your bodies. And be with men who love women, who know how to look at YOU, smell YOU, adore YOU…celebrate YOU!!! Be with men who treat women with wonder, with respect, with gentleness, with understanding, and with acceptance.
And for those married women, or sexually active women…initiate your men in the art of adoring you!!!
And for the men, who are active, never assume that because you’ve had gazillions of partners, you already know how to LOVE a woman. And never assume that just because a woman’s wet or moaning, she’s already orgasmic. And be gentle…work with us!!!
And for men who still haven’t done it…well, start learning great sensitivity right now.
And for those who went before us…those who had bad experiences, traumatic experiences…those who were raped or molested…those who were abused by their own family or husband…those who were raised to repress and deny themselves… I am so sorry for the pain you must have felt. And I hope to at least be an instrument in saving at least one woman in my time from non-sexuality.
And for mothers, or expectant mothers…thank you. For the courage. For the love. For the faith. For your heart.
Darn…am just so happy being a woman. And I so love my vagina!!!
(September 2000)
++++++++++++++++
I have actually found myself to be comfortable with myself. I mean, I just love who I am. I love all my quirks, all my depressive qualities, all my faults. I actually accept who I am, all my limitations, all my potentials, all my past. And I actually like being the noisy, wacko kind of person that I have been ever since I was born. I also like being weird, being erratic, being charming, being flirty. I like my individualistic intelligence, my flair for drama, my tears. And I am not saying I am not changing, or that I am not striving to be a better version of ME. What I am saying though is, I am secure with who I am today and look forward to being secure with the person I am becoming.
But that is when am all alone. Because sometimes, a person just makes me feel unworthy, insecure, envious, jealous…a victim. Sometimes, there are just people who, without meaning to I guess, make me feel that there’s something wrong with me, that I have to change…and change according to his or her expectations. And these people just make me feel bad about myself. And I don’t like that. I hate being made to feel that I am not good enough just the way I am. And I hate the idea that had I only been prettier, had I been more disciplined, or more reserved, or more lady-like, or less emotional…they’d love me better, or they’d accept me more.
Luckily, it’s easier to surround myself with friends who actually care about me, and not just one or two of my qualities. My friends don’t even demand that I satisfy their needs, or the image of me they want to be. They love me just the way I am, supporting me through difficult times, appreciating me in my better moments…and not enabling me when am being bad.
It’s harder to have that kind of acceptance from colleagues…especially if they’re not of my generation. And they don’t have any need in them to actually know where am coming from. Working together only really requires that I behave professionally and do my work. It’s not in their job descriptions after all to make room for individuals like me.
It’s harder still to have the general population just respect that I am a person apart from them, without any obligation to conform to their expectations. Then again, I don’t really care about the opinions of people I don’t know.
And I’ve just realized that a man who will tell me he wishes that I am less this or more that simply isn’t good enough for me. I’ve realized that he doesn’t really love me, worse, he may not be capable of real loving. Accepting me should not depend on what my past has been. Accepting me should not even have conditions. Understanding me shouldn’t require rationalizations and explanations. If he met me this way, he would love me this way. Because if he couldn’t, then he really shouldn’t even try nor pretend that he would…someday.
And yes, I am guilty of also wishing some people would be more this and less that…but I like to believe that among my friends and significant others, I haven’t come close to making “strings” of that. Despite my friends’ weaknesses and idiosyncracies, I love them anyway. Despite a man’s weirdness or irresponsiveness, I love him anyway. Because, it’s the loving them that’s important to me. And changing for the better is something we all do in our own time, at our own pace, of our own volition.
Now, to surround myself with people who actually just love me. Period.
- August 10, 2001 after watching Bridget Jones’ Diary
~*~*~*~*~*~*
MY VAGINA MANIFESTO
Ok, everybody here probably knows that this is an aftershock of the play I watched last night….THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES…
I do not really know what to say, but I will play the fool and say things anyway (in this case, post anyway) because am gonna burst!!!
I was fetched by my date for the night and we met with my friends at Shangri-la before heading to Greenhills. My girl friend and I were very excited, being away for too long from our NGO and missing talking about such stuff. Anyway, I indulged everybody with seats 3 rows, dead center from the stage. And was it an experience.
It’s not so much the monologues, it’s not so much the personalities that they were able to re-create in front of us, it was not so much the faked-but-sounding-real moans, or the puns, or Monique Wilson, or the stories…
It was more than me being a woman who can relate with the issue….it was about ME! I was and I still am that issue.
It was the things I realized about myself, and the things that I still have to do. And it was such a comforting feeling that these women on-stage are giving voice to what has always been an important but very sensitive matter.
I have always prided myself about being a strong enough woman with a healthy attitude towards my sexuality. And last night, I was able to celebrate that fact. I cannot put in words how entertained I was, how enlightened, how awed, how everything sounded like it was ME talking, whether they were going on about heartless, insensitive pigs shaving a woman’s vagina without care, girls being raped, women with women lovers, women who had good experiences with men, giving birth…
And now, I post this, not to create another controversy, not to be naughty, or whatever. I am posting this because I want to affirm my choices. It wasn’t always a pleasant trip…and I still have a long way to go. But I am a sexual being and I celebrate that. I am mighty glad that I have a clitoris and a vagina and a uterus, the ‘things’ that actually make us different from men, and that I know their purpose. I am glad that I have experienced my sexuality. That I have had orgasms. I rejoice in the knowledge that I get wet when pleasured. That I can give pleasure. That I am not frigid. That I have been with men who knew how to love a woman. That I will someday give birth. That once, my own mother literally opened herself up and bore intense pain just to have me in this world.
And please, I am not espousing that all women out there go out and have sex. It is not about being a virgin or not, being married or not, being pregnant or not…
The important thing is that women, other women, know and acknowledge the fact that aside from being spiritual beings, we are also sexual beings. WOMEN, LADIES…you are sexual beings. You have a clitoris, with double the nerves than a guy’s penis, a thing that has more nerves than your lips, your hands, your tongues. You have a body. You have a vagina. Explore yourselves. Be yourselves. Dress in the way you want to get dressed. Love your bodies. Give yourselves a voice and make yourselves heard. Take care of your bodies. And be with men who love women, who know how to look at YOU, smell YOU, adore YOU…celebrate YOU!!! Be with men who treat women with wonder, with respect, with gentleness, with understanding, and with acceptance.
And for those married women, or sexually active women…initiate your men in the art of adoring you!!!
And for the men, who are active, never assume that because you’ve had gazillions of partners, you already know how to LOVE a woman. And never assume that just because a woman’s wet or moaning, she’s already orgasmic. And be gentle…work with us!!!
And for men who still haven’t done it…well, start learning great sensitivity right now.
And for those who went before us…those who had bad experiences, traumatic experiences…those who were raped or molested…those who were abused by their own family or husband…those who were raised to repress and deny themselves… I am so sorry for the pain you must have felt. And I hope to at least be an instrument in saving at least one woman in my time from non-sexuality.
And for mothers, or expectant mothers…thank you. For the courage. For the love. For the faith. For your heart.
Darn…am just so happy being a woman. And I so love my vagina!!!
(September 2000)
Dati pa
sabi ko na
iba akong magmahal
kahit walang maniwala sakin
dahil sa kadaldalan ko
at likas na masayahing ugali
dahil sa kaartehan
at likas na kalandian
hirap akong mangumbinsi
na talo ko pa
ang sandamakmak na
matimtimang birhen
kung umibig
dati pa
minahal na kita
kahit wala sa plano
at wala sa hinagap ko
nangarap din ako
na maging 'tayo' sana
alam ko, dumaan ako
sa panahong wala akong
ibang panalangin
kundi ang mahalin mo rin
minsan din, alam kong
mahal mo na din ako
kaya lang, hindi talaga
pwede eh
ikaw ang may ayaw
sa pag-ibig
dati, iniisip ko
kung naging tahimik kaya ako
at mas cariñosa
baka mas naging madali
para sa iyo
na piliing mahalin ako
pero naisip ko din
baka naman nga
talagang hindi tayo
para sa isa't isa
kasi, kung itinadhana tayo
di hindi sana naging
ganun kahirap
at kasakit saking
ibigin ka
Pero alam mo
(malamang hindi)
Minahal talaga kita
mahal pa rin kita
Noon, lahat ibibigay sayo
Lahat handang gawin para sa'yo
at naghintay ako
kaya lang, napapagod din pala
ang puso
at kahit handa syang maghintay
napapaniwala rin pala sya
na ang kaligayahan ng minamahal
ay wala sa kanya
- another impromptu.... sigh....
sabi ko na
iba akong magmahal
kahit walang maniwala sakin
dahil sa kadaldalan ko
at likas na masayahing ugali
dahil sa kaartehan
at likas na kalandian
hirap akong mangumbinsi
na talo ko pa
ang sandamakmak na
matimtimang birhen
kung umibig
dati pa
minahal na kita
kahit wala sa plano
at wala sa hinagap ko
nangarap din ako
na maging 'tayo' sana
alam ko, dumaan ako
sa panahong wala akong
ibang panalangin
kundi ang mahalin mo rin
minsan din, alam kong
mahal mo na din ako
kaya lang, hindi talaga
pwede eh
ikaw ang may ayaw
sa pag-ibig
dati, iniisip ko
kung naging tahimik kaya ako
at mas cariñosa
baka mas naging madali
para sa iyo
na piliing mahalin ako
pero naisip ko din
baka naman nga
talagang hindi tayo
para sa isa't isa
kasi, kung itinadhana tayo
di hindi sana naging
ganun kahirap
at kasakit saking
ibigin ka
Pero alam mo
(malamang hindi)
Minahal talaga kita
mahal pa rin kita
Noon, lahat ibibigay sayo
Lahat handang gawin para sa'yo
at naghintay ako
kaya lang, napapagod din pala
ang puso
at kahit handa syang maghintay
napapaniwala rin pala sya
na ang kaligayahan ng minamahal
ay wala sa kanya
- another impromptu.... sigh....
Monday, January 27, 2003
it took tonight
for me to realize
am no longer in love with you
it took tonight
and the sweet smell of evening air
for me to accept
that my future lies not
with you
it took tonight
and a new circle of friends
a new hobby
and new possibilities
and a really starry night
for me to finally see
what has always been
a "never-could-be"
it took tonight
for me to accept
that I have been holding on
needlessly
it took tonight
after more than two years
of loving you
and hoping
and waiting
and holding on
for me to finally let go
it took tonight
for me to say goodbye
and finally, finally
prepare myself
in loving and being happy
with someone else
it took tonight
for me to vow
to not 'obligate' you
further with whatever dreams
I had of an "us"
it took tonight dearest,
it took tonight
- poem made today.... and finished this moment.... i must be a trifle sad then....
for me to realize
am no longer in love with you
it took tonight
and the sweet smell of evening air
for me to accept
that my future lies not
with you
it took tonight
and a new circle of friends
a new hobby
and new possibilities
and a really starry night
for me to finally see
what has always been
a "never-could-be"
it took tonight
for me to accept
that I have been holding on
needlessly
it took tonight
after more than two years
of loving you
and hoping
and waiting
and holding on
for me to finally let go
it took tonight
for me to say goodbye
and finally, finally
prepare myself
in loving and being happy
with someone else
it took tonight
for me to vow
to not 'obligate' you
further with whatever dreams
I had of an "us"
it took tonight dearest,
it took tonight
- poem made today.... and finished this moment.... i must be a trifle sad then....
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Over time, I've building my castle of love
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason
I've gone much too far for you now to say
That I've got to throw my castle away
Over dreams, I have picked out a perfect come true
Though you never knew it was of you I've been dreaming
The sandman has come from too far away
For you to say come back some other day
And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me
Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone
Just to find, I had found what I've searched to discover
I've come much too far for me now to find
The love that I've sought can never be mine
And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me
And though the odds say improbable
What do they know
For in romance
All true love needs is a chance
And maybe with a chance you will find
You too like I
Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you
- OVERJOYED (stevie wonder)
how appropriate this was then....how sad that it's soooo appropriate...and that some things are through...
Just for two, though you never knew you were my reason
I've gone much too far for you now to say
That I've got to throw my castle away
Over dreams, I have picked out a perfect come true
Though you never knew it was of you I've been dreaming
The sandman has come from too far away
For you to say come back some other day
And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me
Over hearts, I have painfully turned every stone
Just to find, I had found what I've searched to discover
I've come much too far for me now to find
The love that I've sought can never be mine
And though you don't believe that they do
They do come true
For did my dreams
Come true when I looked at you
And maybe too, if you would believe
You too might be
Overjoyed, over loved, over me
And though the odds say improbable
What do they know
For in romance
All true love needs is a chance
And maybe with a chance you will find
You too like I
Overjoyed, over loved, over you, over you
- OVERJOYED (stevie wonder)
how appropriate this was then....how sad that it's soooo appropriate...and that some things are through...
Friday, January 24, 2003
Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?
brought to you by Quizilla
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
the angtsy and bothered must read this
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
troubling words/phrases for the day:
1) morning wood
2) "screwed 5 ways to Sunday"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
i've been chanting the following all day since yesterday:
up and down
back and forth
faster, faster
Thursday, January 23, 2003
you told me
you'd call
so I stayed home
and waited
tried to read
couldn't sleep
guarded the phone
stomped and stalked
all over my bedroom floor
started feeling weepy
started getting angry
started getting scared
wondered where you are
or what's taking you so long
did the same again
the following day
you told me
you'd call
I should have asked
what year?
(something impromptu....i am soooo unproductive right now)
you'd call
so I stayed home
and waited
tried to read
couldn't sleep
guarded the phone
stomped and stalked
all over my bedroom floor
started feeling weepy
started getting angry
started getting scared
wondered where you are
or what's taking you so long
did the same again
the following day
you told me
you'd call
I should have asked
what year?
(something impromptu....i am soooo unproductive right now)
I'm one of those who believe that we have to be STUPID sometimes in order to better appreciate our efforts at being WISE. My creepy, for all his narrow-mind (and I pray to the heavens, a really small, super pre-ejaculative dick), has been able to tap onto my inate inability to miss a repro-health moment. Which made me chat with him again. Which led him to asking me if ever I had engaged in anal sex (uhm, no offense meant to those who have tried, but honestly, I doubt I ever will), a question I of course didn't answer. Which led him to also asking me whether I own a thong (lolz, the pexers reading this would know that I even have a red one with feathers), another question I didn't answer (ask me about spermicides and morning pills and am cool, even if you're a creep...).
It stupefies me to know that a simple matter as owning a thong would elicit some 25 miscalls from him and abusive text messages (like, hoy pokpok, whore! nagmamalinis ka pa, wala nang lalake na seseryoso sa mga tulad mo, p*tang !na mo, me thong ka ba?). And no, I don't really enjoy the abusive treatment, but just as weirdly, I feel that he's some bloody form of therapy. Uhm, I am not being very eloquent... Suffice it to say that suffering abuse from him has actually done me good because it's also helped me realize who I am and who am not. Of course, being called a whore several times over made me think and reflect if I was one (if I was, i'd have been banging every guy crazy at the drop of a hat). He has also made me more grateful and appreciative of my male friends, even those I haven't met personally but continue to chat with over the net. Sigh. I just really have the coolest of male friends. And the most intelligent, the most sensitive, the most adorable. Yeah, yeah, they can be real jerks and weirdoes too but they're lovable. And I know am not wrong to say that they're not pathetic.
To end this one, I would just like to say that I hope my creep gets STD or that women all over would tease him and tease him and then reject him once he's really vulnerable (like with his pants down and ready to enter a girl... and the girl would say, "Ayy, I changed my mind na!" and then just leave him hanging...).
Ok, am being mean. Hmmpf, mamamatay rin sya, ryt?
It stupefies me to know that a simple matter as owning a thong would elicit some 25 miscalls from him and abusive text messages (like, hoy pokpok, whore! nagmamalinis ka pa, wala nang lalake na seseryoso sa mga tulad mo, p*tang !na mo, me thong ka ba?). And no, I don't really enjoy the abusive treatment, but just as weirdly, I feel that he's some bloody form of therapy. Uhm, I am not being very eloquent... Suffice it to say that suffering abuse from him has actually done me good because it's also helped me realize who I am and who am not. Of course, being called a whore several times over made me think and reflect if I was one (if I was, i'd have been banging every guy crazy at the drop of a hat). He has also made me more grateful and appreciative of my male friends, even those I haven't met personally but continue to chat with over the net. Sigh. I just really have the coolest of male friends. And the most intelligent, the most sensitive, the most adorable. Yeah, yeah, they can be real jerks and weirdoes too but they're lovable. And I know am not wrong to say that they're not pathetic.
To end this one, I would just like to say that I hope my creep gets STD or that women all over would tease him and tease him and then reject him once he's really vulnerable (like with his pants down and ready to enter a girl... and the girl would say, "Ayy, I changed my mind na!" and then just leave him hanging...).
Ok, am being mean. Hmmpf, mamamatay rin sya, ryt?
my favorite sad poem, and not even written by me...
the sun will set
in a few minutes
it's been doing it
regularly
for as long as I can
remember
maybe, I should
pin my hopes
on small,
often unnoticed,
certainties like that
and not on such
relatively trivial matters
as whether you
will ever love me
or not
the sun will set
in a few minutes
it's been doing it
regularly
for as long as I can
remember
maybe, I should
pin my hopes
on small,
often unnoticed,
certainties like that
and not on such
relatively trivial matters
as whether you
will ever love me
or not
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
sharing
Everdearest ___,
It's not that often that I write you to tell you that I do miss you a lot, but that does not mean that I don't think of you often. In fact I think of you most of the time. And that scares me because I'm left with the uncertainty of thought and change. That someday you'd just wake up not feeling the love that had brought us both here. Or probably some new discovery in your life that would pose a threat between you and me.
If at some point in this life we share, I would seem to push myself to every aspect in your life, I apologize. For some time now in my life, you have been the biggest part. You have filled up that hole once emptied by pain and mistakes, and I just don't think I could bear the same emptiness again. And just confirming the old cliché that "you don't know how valuable someone is until she is gone", I have lost you once and I am not willing to lose you again.
Life's complexities could be such a burden, to one who asks for the simplest of things. And I guess no one is exempted from such hardships. I just want you to know that as we live each day, going through one hardship to the other, I'm still here, holding your hand tighter than before. Because I am in love with you, and every single thing that makes me love you more.
Forever,
Your ___!
Everdearest ___,
It's not that often that I write you to tell you that I do miss you a lot, but that does not mean that I don't think of you often. In fact I think of you most of the time. And that scares me because I'm left with the uncertainty of thought and change. That someday you'd just wake up not feeling the love that had brought us both here. Or probably some new discovery in your life that would pose a threat between you and me.
If at some point in this life we share, I would seem to push myself to every aspect in your life, I apologize. For some time now in my life, you have been the biggest part. You have filled up that hole once emptied by pain and mistakes, and I just don't think I could bear the same emptiness again. And just confirming the old cliché that "you don't know how valuable someone is until she is gone", I have lost you once and I am not willing to lose you again.
Life's complexities could be such a burden, to one who asks for the simplest of things. And I guess no one is exempted from such hardships. I just want you to know that as we live each day, going through one hardship to the other, I'm still here, holding your hand tighter than before. Because I am in love with you, and every single thing that makes me love you more.
Forever,
Your ___!
Monday, January 20, 2003
I'm a failure.
Yes, I finally have to admit that I am a failure.
Whether rated by somebody else or by myself,
I always end up with FAILURE emblazoned in neon all over me.
When I interact with others, it's all they see.
Wherever I go and in whatever I do, I am forever marked as such.
Especially, sexually.
I now realize, no matter how kinky my thoughts are,
and no matter how naughty my get-up,
even if I perfect the art of seduction
(which I never can)
and even if I was really endowed with a beautiful body
(instead of just projecting such)
and no matter what things I do
and eat in bed with my partner,
i'm still a failure.
I have never caused happiness.
I have never brought joy.
I can never inspire bliss and ecstasy.
At least, i'm no longer blind.
Somehow, i've finally realized why I keep getting
an F for sex.
Yes, I finally have to admit that I am a failure.
Whether rated by somebody else or by myself,
I always end up with FAILURE emblazoned in neon all over me.
When I interact with others, it's all they see.
Wherever I go and in whatever I do, I am forever marked as such.
Especially, sexually.
I now realize, no matter how kinky my thoughts are,
and no matter how naughty my get-up,
even if I perfect the art of seduction
(which I never can)
and even if I was really endowed with a beautiful body
(instead of just projecting such)
and no matter what things I do
and eat in bed with my partner,
i'm still a failure.
I have never caused happiness.
I have never brought joy.
I can never inspire bliss and ecstasy.
At least, i'm no longer blind.
Somehow, i've finally realized why I keep getting
an F for sex.
Kainis
Dreamt of my ex, the one I refer to as GLD. In the dream, he called me up over the phone and he was upset. I could tell he was upset readily. And he asked for a meeting. And I did meet him. And I got worried.
In the dream, he was with a student of his... and he told me that Jane (the ex-close friend and his wife) is interfering with his dream. When I asked what his dream was, he asked me, "mec, don't you remember, I've always wanted to be like my father."
I asked him how his marriage could be interfering with that (considering that the recently became a father himself) and he said we should talk somewhere more private. We were going to this Laguna Industrial Park somewhere and along the way, he was telling his student (who went with us) how he knows I still know him and how we still think the same thoughts now and then. And I related how we can still finish each other's sentences for each other.
Then I woke up.
And now, i'm bothered. Just bothered (not hot and bothered, which would have been more fun).
Cannot help but wonder if I kept him from his dreams that's why it stopped being "us"
Dreamt of my ex, the one I refer to as GLD. In the dream, he called me up over the phone and he was upset. I could tell he was upset readily. And he asked for a meeting. And I did meet him. And I got worried.
In the dream, he was with a student of his... and he told me that Jane (the ex-close friend and his wife) is interfering with his dream. When I asked what his dream was, he asked me, "mec, don't you remember, I've always wanted to be like my father."
I asked him how his marriage could be interfering with that (considering that the recently became a father himself) and he said we should talk somewhere more private. We were going to this Laguna Industrial Park somewhere and along the way, he was telling his student (who went with us) how he knows I still know him and how we still think the same thoughts now and then. And I related how we can still finish each other's sentences for each other.
Then I woke up.
And now, i'm bothered. Just bothered (not hot and bothered, which would have been more fun).
Cannot help but wonder if I kept him from his dreams that's why it stopped being "us"
Sunday, January 19, 2003
Just got back from Pico de Loro, for my exploits and musings, please refer here.
One funny thing I've confirmed (and something I couldn't post in that site) is that climbing does make you horny. Nope, I didn't exactly fancy anyone from the group (even the one who was the spitting image of someone I dated some time ago) and nope, it wasn't like I wanted to ravage anyone or all of them for that matter (haha, girls included? wouldn't people like it). But really, I was horny. Dang horny. As in seeping wet in my shorts wet and horny.
Sigh.
One funny thing I've confirmed (and something I couldn't post in that site) is that climbing does make you horny. Nope, I didn't exactly fancy anyone from the group (even the one who was the spitting image of someone I dated some time ago) and nope, it wasn't like I wanted to ravage anyone or all of them for that matter (haha, girls included? wouldn't people like it). But really, I was horny. Dang horny. As in seeping wet in my shorts wet and horny.
Sigh.
Friday, January 17, 2003
SEXUAL FANTASY
Do it with a lawyer.
More than that, do it with an officemate lawyer that I only really noticed this afternoon (for pexers, see my post at the Sexual Fantasies thread).
Promise, while I was sitting there, supposedly taking down the minutes of the meeting, I was absolutely, absolutely wondering how I could not have noticed him before. And to think I talked to him before the meeting. Why did I never date him? (well, if he's married, lolz, that's the answer I guess) But really, how could I have missed him?
Felt so bad that I forgot the meeting today and super dressed down. Who would be seduced by a girl in jeans and and a t-shirt and a blue blazer? Arrggh, should really have worn a skirt today. And bloody hell, did he even smell my delectable vanilla scent? Did he even notice me? Arrghh.... promise, I want him in my bed.
Of course, it's not like it's ever going to happen... esply since I really don't want to be bare-legged and sweaty with anyone from the same agency. And most probabaly, he IS married (few men in the building remain single, and if they do, half of them are gay). But am just sooo happy and at the same time frustrated that it took me 3 f*cking years before fantasizing about someone (uhm, my port manager crush not included...hehe... besides, the PM has a heart problem, so even fantasies of him are limited to not-so-exhausting activities).
Awww shucks, he was just so tall, and slim, and shaved head, and long-fingered... And he was wearing glasses... And chances are, he's intelligent enough... And he's moreno. And I kept on imagining and imagining kissing him passionately while my insides tumble over and everything in my body gets stimulated (nipples erect, check ~ oh ok, i won't continue with this line of thought anymore).
Sigh. I feel sooo deprived of fun right now.
Do it with a lawyer.
More than that, do it with an officemate lawyer that I only really noticed this afternoon (for pexers, see my post at the Sexual Fantasies thread).
Promise, while I was sitting there, supposedly taking down the minutes of the meeting, I was absolutely, absolutely wondering how I could not have noticed him before. And to think I talked to him before the meeting. Why did I never date him? (well, if he's married, lolz, that's the answer I guess) But really, how could I have missed him?
Felt so bad that I forgot the meeting today and super dressed down. Who would be seduced by a girl in jeans and and a t-shirt and a blue blazer? Arrggh, should really have worn a skirt today. And bloody hell, did he even smell my delectable vanilla scent? Did he even notice me? Arrghh.... promise, I want him in my bed.
Of course, it's not like it's ever going to happen... esply since I really don't want to be bare-legged and sweaty with anyone from the same agency. And most probabaly, he IS married (few men in the building remain single, and if they do, half of them are gay). But am just sooo happy and at the same time frustrated that it took me 3 f*cking years before fantasizing about someone (uhm, my port manager crush not included...hehe... besides, the PM has a heart problem, so even fantasies of him are limited to not-so-exhausting activities).
Awww shucks, he was just so tall, and slim, and shaved head, and long-fingered... And he was wearing glasses... And chances are, he's intelligent enough... And he's moreno. And I kept on imagining and imagining kissing him passionately while my insides tumble over and everything in my body gets stimulated (nipples erect, check ~ oh ok, i won't continue with this line of thought anymore).
Sigh. I feel sooo deprived of fun right now.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
conversation thru text messaging:
bestfriend (BF): guess who i was with last nyt
me: err, was with as in date..or was with as in sex? cno? c ____ (name of a former barkada who she was flirting w/ dati)
BF: it was a group date, then sex after, pero nde orgy ha!
me: which group did u go out w/? do i know them? how was it? sis, ingat ka lang ha, you don't use condoms pa naman
BF: nde nga sabi orgy eh, guess who?
me: gaga, sabi mo group date, so i was asking who was in the group, asus! cno nga ba? c ___, ____, ____ (names of former barkadas and her ex) o c _____ (name of my former and greatest crush)?
BF: gaga, forget mo na naman infatuation mo sa kanya (i hope). dati mo crush. Bad ko no?
me: lolz, so c ____ nga? gaga ka, selos ako, i never even got to kiss him. So how was he? Details pls, its the least u can do...hehehehe
BF: ol i can say is he's totally different, mataba pero cute pa din, agressive, dami ko marks kaya absent ako today
me: marks wer? and totally different how?
BF: marks sa neck, back, arm...diff sa looks and bad na sha
me: are u gonna f*ck him again? or is there romance brewing? sis, kwento talaga pls...kung nde, hihingi ako ng 3some!!! lolz, nde dali kwento ka, kinikilig ako eh
BF: I dunno, U know how 1 nyt stands are, I dont know wat im gonna do with this marks!
me: ay, i shud hev asked pala whether u loved doing it w/ him, if he was a great lover, if he made u come many tyms, and if u enjoyed him
BF: actuali i think he's good pero lasing sha eh pero he performs well kahit i didnt come
me: gaga, how can u say he performs well if u didnt come? eh wat makes u come ba? or rather, hu alone makes u come? hehe
(will continue if she texts back)
Am sooo bloody inggit. See, I never dated anyone from high school. My bf then was not a schoolmate and all my crushes were just dreams. To think our peer group was composed of the Boy Scouts plus some girls. And so, I always get kilig when I hear of a schoolmate dating another one, or ending up w/ a schoolmate, or doing a batchmate....hehehehe...
am weird
anyway, so...what's my bf going to do with her marks?
bestfriend (BF): guess who i was with last nyt
me: err, was with as in date..or was with as in sex? cno? c ____ (name of a former barkada who she was flirting w/ dati)
BF: it was a group date, then sex after, pero nde orgy ha!
me: which group did u go out w/? do i know them? how was it? sis, ingat ka lang ha, you don't use condoms pa naman
BF: nde nga sabi orgy eh, guess who?
me: gaga, sabi mo group date, so i was asking who was in the group, asus! cno nga ba? c ___, ____, ____ (names of former barkadas and her ex) o c _____ (name of my former and greatest crush)?
BF: gaga, forget mo na naman infatuation mo sa kanya (i hope). dati mo crush. Bad ko no?
me: lolz, so c ____ nga? gaga ka, selos ako, i never even got to kiss him. So how was he? Details pls, its the least u can do...hehehehe
BF: ol i can say is he's totally different, mataba pero cute pa din, agressive, dami ko marks kaya absent ako today
me: marks wer? and totally different how?
BF: marks sa neck, back, arm...diff sa looks and bad na sha
me: are u gonna f*ck him again? or is there romance brewing? sis, kwento talaga pls...kung nde, hihingi ako ng 3some!!! lolz, nde dali kwento ka, kinikilig ako eh
BF: I dunno, U know how 1 nyt stands are, I dont know wat im gonna do with this marks!
me: ay, i shud hev asked pala whether u loved doing it w/ him, if he was a great lover, if he made u come many tyms, and if u enjoyed him
BF: actuali i think he's good pero lasing sha eh pero he performs well kahit i didnt come
me: gaga, how can u say he performs well if u didnt come? eh wat makes u come ba? or rather, hu alone makes u come? hehe
(will continue if she texts back)
Am sooo bloody inggit. See, I never dated anyone from high school. My bf then was not a schoolmate and all my crushes were just dreams. To think our peer group was composed of the Boy Scouts plus some girls. And so, I always get kilig when I hear of a schoolmate dating another one, or ending up w/ a schoolmate, or doing a batchmate....hehehehe...
am weird
anyway, so...what's my bf going to do with her marks?
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
my Haldir
Haldir: forest
Haldir: wallpaper
Haldir: perfect face
Haldir: kissable lips
i've confirmed that he died in LOTR:TTT...and found out also that he was just noticed now, and fans are falling in love...sigh...in loving, drooling memory of him :)
Haldir: forest
Haldir: wallpaper
Haldir: perfect face
Haldir: kissable lips
i've confirmed that he died in LOTR:TTT...and found out also that he was just noticed now, and fans are falling in love...sigh...in loving, drooling memory of him :)
Monday, January 13, 2003
I was trying to post the pic that launched a thousand calls and 2-day death threats from a guy... (partida, am not even naked there yet!) but both PhotoIsland and Yahoo hate my face...ahihihi
Weird thought I thought while asking for some updates re some matters from a manager who once propositioned me:
"Sir, alam kong kaya ko kayong angkinin.. ang tanong, nde naman kaya kayo atakihin?"
Promise, he's not the manager I have a crush on (coz my crush is already suffering from a heart ailment so a heart attack, if ever he gets to be with me is already a given)
Weird thought I thought while asking for some updates re some matters from a manager who once propositioned me:
"Sir, alam kong kaya ko kayong angkinin.. ang tanong, nde naman kaya kayo atakihin?"
Promise, he's not the manager I have a crush on (coz my crush is already suffering from a heart ailment so a heart attack, if ever he gets to be with me is already a given)
You come from the Ocean. You've always been drawn to the sea, the sound of the waves, the crystal blue water, near the sea is where you belong.
hmm..pwede... :)
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
naks...sabi na.....15% lesbian nga!
(Chel, the things i pick up from your vlog...tsk, tsk, tsk)
hmm..pwede... :)
What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla
naks...sabi na.....15% lesbian nga!
(Chel, the things i pick up from your vlog...tsk, tsk, tsk)
Sunday, January 12, 2003
Eating at our office canteen brings one back to the collective unconscious of his ancestors’ caveman days.
Promise!
When I line up for the food (you know, like the way you do in prisons) and scan the available viands, or when I finally sit to eat what I’ve chosen, I cannot help but think that those who operate the canteen cut the meat in big chunks because:
1) They are trying to live up to the port area workers in us, and believe that even office workers (you know, those who graduated with honors and work with computers and are taking up their masters/doctorate degree) eat like stevedores, or possess ape-like jaws
Or
2) It’s actually a scheme to ensure none of us will actually finish off our food so they would have something to sell to those with dogs in our agency (well, the meat cuts are more appropriate for dogs anyway)
I understand that in a sense, people are canine beings (check doggy position, oops, err… types of teeth I mean) but our canteen really sucks!!!
Golly!
Promise!
When I line up for the food (you know, like the way you do in prisons) and scan the available viands, or when I finally sit to eat what I’ve chosen, I cannot help but think that those who operate the canteen cut the meat in big chunks because:
1) They are trying to live up to the port area workers in us, and believe that even office workers (you know, those who graduated with honors and work with computers and are taking up their masters/doctorate degree) eat like stevedores, or possess ape-like jaws
Or
2) It’s actually a scheme to ensure none of us will actually finish off our food so they would have something to sell to those with dogs in our agency (well, the meat cuts are more appropriate for dogs anyway)
I understand that in a sense, people are canine beings (check doggy position, oops, err… types of teeth I mean) but our canteen really sucks!!!
Golly!
tentatively, for the next 2-3 years
I will be spending most of my weekends from January to May camping, climbing, training, sleeping, meeting friends, spending time with family and going dancing. (in lieu of camping, I may have to forego volunteerism in an NGO and just make up through the outreach programs/medical missions of my mountaineering group)
I will focus on saving money for camping and gear, aside from dancing gimmicks.
I will be spending weekdays chatting and working... and probably travelling (if we're to follow our P&P here at work)
And harassing my uncle in the US for the status of err... a dream's fulfillment.
And finally go abroad... even as a refugee in Malaysia or wherever (I need a stamp on my passport for me to achieve Nirvana, pramis!!)
Read more classics (why did I stop anyway? I promised i'd complete the Bronte siblings and Shakespeare.. tsk, tsk)
Finally buy myself a little black dress...
I hope to be engaging in purely carnal activities in between. (hmm...shall I move this at the top of this list?)
And get married on Dec 2004 to a guy who adores me and will provide for me and has a prime lot in Bohol where we can settle down. I will go back to school and just get financial sustenance from the hubby (for I will be a housewife too)
And I hope to stop consuming a block and a half of white chocolate in one sitting. (but donations are uhm, entirely appreciated)
I will be spending most of my weekends from January to May camping, climbing, training, sleeping, meeting friends, spending time with family and going dancing. (in lieu of camping, I may have to forego volunteerism in an NGO and just make up through the outreach programs/medical missions of my mountaineering group)
I will focus on saving money for camping and gear, aside from dancing gimmicks.
I will be spending weekdays chatting and working... and probably travelling (if we're to follow our P&P here at work)
And harassing my uncle in the US for the status of err... a dream's fulfillment.
And finally go abroad... even as a refugee in Malaysia or wherever (I need a stamp on my passport for me to achieve Nirvana, pramis!!)
Read more classics (why did I stop anyway? I promised i'd complete the Bronte siblings and Shakespeare.. tsk, tsk)
Finally buy myself a little black dress...
I hope to be engaging in purely carnal activities in between. (hmm...shall I move this at the top of this list?)
And get married on Dec 2004 to a guy who adores me and will provide for me and has a prime lot in Bohol where we can settle down. I will go back to school and just get financial sustenance from the hubby (for I will be a housewife too)
And I hope to stop consuming a block and a half of white chocolate in one sitting. (but donations are uhm, entirely appreciated)
Saturday, January 11, 2003
sharing.... stuff I included in my 'project' (the compilation of all my compositions up to Dec 2001)
NGO Journal Entry dated May 15, 1999
"Love begins with dreaming..."
You all know that there's this guy at the office who tried driving me crazy --- in the name of love?
you also know that i liked this guy (other guy, i mean) but he likes somebody else.
and well for a time there i thought i've actually fallen in love again...only it doesn't feel that way anymore.
oh, i like the guy. in fact i like him very much. He's nice, he's sweet, he's ambitious, he's responsible --- he also makes me smile. Things i'd really want my next bf to possess.
but i know that the deal about envying Laurie's and Jane's pain made me 'fall' too soon. And the fear of getting used to being single. And the hurry for intimacy again, lest i shrink from it forever.
all these converged into...this, and i only got hurt for no other reason but to learn - yet again - to be secure in myself.
oh, i will always like E...And there will always be that secret dream of a right time for us. Then again, i got so interested too soon --- a mistake i hope i'll avoid making come next guy.
so, learnings...
1. be patient - don't push things that only crumble when pressured
2. be open - to God's plan
3. live in the present - not your future fears
4. be lovable and loving - and you shall be loved
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
nothing you can say
will ever be excuse enough
to make a truth a lie
no rationalization of distance
or difference
or non-guarantees
can ever make a fiction of a fact
"i love you
i just really love you
whether you choose and work
to be with me or not"
(poem made 05-04-2001)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
BIRTHDAY WISH
8-18-99
(12:00-12:15 am)
Oh, to be held
Gently, but firmly
To have one whole
Blessed night
In which to feel
Secure
Special
Loved.
To be in the arms
Of someone
Who values you
As much as
You value yourself;
To be able to talk
And say anything
Without reservation,
And without fear
Of being judged;
To feel in every touch,
In every sweet caress
That it’s okay to let down
Your defenses,
And know
That you will not
Be let down;
To be silent with a loved one
And yet, speak volumes
In every breath
To be able to cry
And be assured
That every teardrop shed
Will be wiped away
For you;
To suffer gladly
Tender kisses
On your hair,
On your lips;
To believe
For one moment
In eternity;
To smile, and look into
Your loved one’s eyes,
And know you’re home…
That is intimacy.
That is making love.
Oh, to feel the heaven
Of two bodies
And two souls
Merging,
To just be.
For a night, to just be.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
i think...am the one jumping on the Valentine mushy bandwagon.... ughh..... yuck!!! (but it's good to remind yourself of things you thought once, ryt? ergo, diary)
NGO Journal Entry dated May 15, 1999
"Love begins with dreaming..."
You all know that there's this guy at the office who tried driving me crazy --- in the name of love?
you also know that i liked this guy (other guy, i mean) but he likes somebody else.
and well for a time there i thought i've actually fallen in love again...only it doesn't feel that way anymore.
oh, i like the guy. in fact i like him very much. He's nice, he's sweet, he's ambitious, he's responsible --- he also makes me smile. Things i'd really want my next bf to possess.
but i know that the deal about envying Laurie's and Jane's pain made me 'fall' too soon. And the fear of getting used to being single. And the hurry for intimacy again, lest i shrink from it forever.
all these converged into...this, and i only got hurt for no other reason but to learn - yet again - to be secure in myself.
oh, i will always like E...And there will always be that secret dream of a right time for us. Then again, i got so interested too soon --- a mistake i hope i'll avoid making come next guy.
so, learnings...
1. be patient - don't push things that only crumble when pressured
2. be open - to God's plan
3. live in the present - not your future fears
4. be lovable and loving - and you shall be loved
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
nothing you can say
will ever be excuse enough
to make a truth a lie
no rationalization of distance
or difference
or non-guarantees
can ever make a fiction of a fact
"i love you
i just really love you
whether you choose and work
to be with me or not"
(poem made 05-04-2001)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
BIRTHDAY WISH
8-18-99
(12:00-12:15 am)
Oh, to be held
Gently, but firmly
To have one whole
Blessed night
In which to feel
Secure
Special
Loved.
To be in the arms
Of someone
Who values you
As much as
You value yourself;
To be able to talk
And say anything
Without reservation,
And without fear
Of being judged;
To feel in every touch,
In every sweet caress
That it’s okay to let down
Your defenses,
And know
That you will not
Be let down;
To be silent with a loved one
And yet, speak volumes
In every breath
To be able to cry
And be assured
That every teardrop shed
Will be wiped away
For you;
To suffer gladly
Tender kisses
On your hair,
On your lips;
To believe
For one moment
In eternity;
To smile, and look into
Your loved one’s eyes,
And know you’re home…
That is intimacy.
That is making love.
Oh, to feel the heaven
Of two bodies
And two souls
Merging,
To just be.
For a night, to just be.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
i think...am the one jumping on the Valentine mushy bandwagon.... ughh..... yuck!!! (but it's good to remind yourself of things you thought once, ryt? ergo, diary)
I am soooo excited. I met with people who will, in their collective effort, help me achieve/realize a dream.
Now, all I need is a tent, a more hi-tech camera, a sleeping bag, hiking shoes, discman/mp3 player, outdoor clothes (you know, long shorts that won't stifle, burn, cramp, etc. and cool shirts).
And if any of you want to donate to my dream, it'd be very much appreciated. Lolz...
(pramis, in times when I need money to finance something I'm passionate about, I really sometimes wish I'm not as moral as I am... so I could just flash/spread my legs, sway my hips and wink my eyes....and tada, moolah!!!)
Now, all I need is a tent, a more hi-tech camera, a sleeping bag, hiking shoes, discman/mp3 player, outdoor clothes (you know, long shorts that won't stifle, burn, cramp, etc. and cool shirts).
And if any of you want to donate to my dream, it'd be very much appreciated. Lolz...
(pramis, in times when I need money to finance something I'm passionate about, I really sometimes wish I'm not as moral as I am... so I could just flash/spread my legs, sway my hips and wink my eyes....and tada, moolah!!!)
Friday, January 10, 2003
There I was, standing and feeling lost... feeling worse than that. I was feeling ashamed. My hands felt clammy, felt I was going deaf, my knees wobbly... getting dizzy...
Add to this the insane feeling that everybody knows the truth... and that they're laughing behind my back...
And in the midst of the self-embarrassment... I still went around and around the place, trying to make a sense of something that should have come easy for me...
Honest to goodness, I tried to think...i tried to figure out what was being asked of me... but there was no assistance from a kind stranger at all... No face was looking at me, ready to help..or at least answer my silent questions...
For the second time this week, I knew I would cry...
They really should have taught How to Bet in the Lotto in school... and what the hell is 5 Lucky Pick!!!
Add to this the insane feeling that everybody knows the truth... and that they're laughing behind my back...
And in the midst of the self-embarrassment... I still went around and around the place, trying to make a sense of something that should have come easy for me...
Honest to goodness, I tried to think...i tried to figure out what was being asked of me... but there was no assistance from a kind stranger at all... No face was looking at me, ready to help..or at least answer my silent questions...
For the second time this week, I knew I would cry...
They really should have taught How to Bet in the Lotto in school... and what the hell is 5 Lucky Pick!!!
Thursday, January 09, 2003
woman has sex with man
(regardless of whether it's casual or an offshoot of a relationship,
legit or illicit)
woman enjoys sex with man
man, of course, enjoys sex with woman
they have sex again and again
they enjoy sex together, again and again
then, woman feels she's not in the mood for sex
man persists that he can change her mind
woman has sex with man
she enjoys sex with man, but not as much as before
part of woman gets unhappy to know that
she only gave in to man's wishes
woman is still not in the mood for sex
but woman likes man, maybe even misses man
(and if in a relationship, loves man and seeks his companionship)
woman makes it clear to man that
she's not in the mood for sex
man tells her that she need not see him if she's not in the mood
woman feels that all man wants is for her to spread legs for man
woman says how she feels
man suggests woman is not ok
man suggests woman is too down or depressed
man may even think there's some other man
(and in case of relationship, man may think
woman doesn't love man anymore)
and yet, all woman wants is comfort
without playing the whore
and woman is amenable to man's company
without having to perform
or please, or give in
woman wonders how she's been reduced
to just a hole
or whether all men
in their heart of hearts
just need/want woman for their holes
so, should woman have sex with man again?
i guess so
but only when she's in the mood again
or, woman should try other women
maybe another woman won't be so crass
then again, woman has heard of stories
of other women doing the same
woman therefore thinks
maybe chastity and celibacy
is not overrated after all
(and if man is woman's husband
at least woman can throw pans at him
for irritating woman so)
how does woman feel now?
sleepy
(regardless of whether it's casual or an offshoot of a relationship,
legit or illicit)
woman enjoys sex with man
man, of course, enjoys sex with woman
they have sex again and again
they enjoy sex together, again and again
then, woman feels she's not in the mood for sex
man persists that he can change her mind
woman has sex with man
she enjoys sex with man, but not as much as before
part of woman gets unhappy to know that
she only gave in to man's wishes
woman is still not in the mood for sex
but woman likes man, maybe even misses man
(and if in a relationship, loves man and seeks his companionship)
woman makes it clear to man that
she's not in the mood for sex
man tells her that she need not see him if she's not in the mood
woman feels that all man wants is for her to spread legs for man
woman says how she feels
man suggests woman is not ok
man suggests woman is too down or depressed
man may even think there's some other man
(and in case of relationship, man may think
woman doesn't love man anymore)
and yet, all woman wants is comfort
without playing the whore
and woman is amenable to man's company
without having to perform
or please, or give in
woman wonders how she's been reduced
to just a hole
or whether all men
in their heart of hearts
just need/want woman for their holes
so, should woman have sex with man again?
i guess so
but only when she's in the mood again
or, woman should try other women
maybe another woman won't be so crass
then again, woman has heard of stories
of other women doing the same
woman therefore thinks
maybe chastity and celibacy
is not overrated after all
(and if man is woman's husband
at least woman can throw pans at him
for irritating woman so)
how does woman feel now?
sleepy
libet (a friend) asks me over YM
how do you keep meeting sick guys?
my answer was
I have no idea, sis
a bad answer would have been
err...they unconsciously turn me on?
another acceptable answer would have been
because I chat?
a philosophical answer would have been
I believe I attract sick guys because I have something to learn from them or that they have something to teach me about living, loving and learning...
another acceptable answer would have been
Sis, don't opposites attract? These sick guys are basically attracted to me bacause I'm so sane, grounded, focused, centered and at peace... something they aren't! (ok, no raised brows please!)
another acceptable/philosophical answer would have been
Uhm, perhaps it's their time to finally go over the edge and i'm meeting them to help them accomplish their life's purpose?
the answer should have been
Duh, am sexy kaya.... which warm-blooded male won't get sick with animal lust after meeting me ba?
(this is what happens when the boss you consider a trifle kadiri... uses your mug and thus, you don't get to drink hot chocolate coz the appetite for it was lost)
how do you keep meeting sick guys?
my answer was
I have no idea, sis
a bad answer would have been
err...they unconsciously turn me on?
another acceptable answer would have been
because I chat?
a philosophical answer would have been
I believe I attract sick guys because I have something to learn from them or that they have something to teach me about living, loving and learning...
another acceptable answer would have been
Sis, don't opposites attract? These sick guys are basically attracted to me bacause I'm so sane, grounded, focused, centered and at peace... something they aren't! (ok, no raised brows please!)
another acceptable/philosophical answer would have been
Uhm, perhaps it's their time to finally go over the edge and i'm meeting them to help them accomplish their life's purpose?
the answer should have been
Duh, am sexy kaya.... which warm-blooded male won't get sick with animal lust after meeting me ba?
(this is what happens when the boss you consider a trifle kadiri... uses your mug and thus, you don't get to drink hot chocolate coz the appetite for it was lost)
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
syempre, I can't work....too sleepy...
Mec, how do you want your men?
trimmed and yet, going down on them is a privilege for them (not an honor for me) and they have to earn that first.. hopefully, their pecker will be a lot bigger and thicker than my pinky finger too (oh and yeah, circumcised)
Mec, do you like teasing/seducing guys?
nope. It's either am wanted or not. If am not wanted, then am not wanted. If am wanted, then, it won't really be seduction anymore, ryt? (i've always had this nagging suspicion that only a few men will totally not want me because they're naturally lustful of women, and last time i checked, am still very much a woman.. plus, I smell nice, has got a cute enuff bod and uhm...is wise to the err.. ways of the bedroom...add my muscle control capabilities, ability to really get wet and multiply orgasm...uhm..err..hihihihi...you get the picture)
Mec, why are you so preoccupied with sex?
Actually, i'm not. But am ok with discussing it. And it's one topic I can contribute to...other things I have a lot of ideas about are Death, Psychology and Relationships...but who really wants to discuss anything so serious or morbid? Plus, being a repro health counselor trained me to treat sex questions w/o gasping, blushing and getting shocked. Just imagine how a counselee would feel if he saw you uncomfy with the words vagina, penis, f*ck, etc..
Does this mean you may be conservative too?
Definitely! I cringe at the thought of engaging in anal sex, or joining orgies. I haven't even done it in the fitting room in some mall, or at the beach, or anywhere public. I mean, by golly, the most exhibitionistic i've gotten is providing fodder to our neighbors' fantasies and uhm... going to Makati wearing a dress sans panties (that isn't even exhibitionistic ryt? I mean, how would all the yuppies there know that just one wrong spread of my legs eh they'd see heaven?)
How sexually active are you?
Right now? Not very much. I'm limited by my uhm.. limitations. Lolz... But I used to be the perfect b!tch, always in heat and raring to go. Maybe that lessens with age. Maybe, by the time I hit 30, i'd decide to become a nun. Sex would...by then...be sooo boring and un-appetizing for me. (hey, weirder things have happened)
And why are you posting this?
Err..am frustrated. My officemates started talking about women as sex toys and sex positions and I had to bite my tongue lest I reveal how more aware of moan zones and sexperiences at its finest I am compared to them (and they're married). I keep telling you guys, I am so repressed!!!
still sleepy..... wish I won't be anymore so my mind will be active... and dynamic... and productive...
Mec, how do you want your men?
trimmed and yet, going down on them is a privilege for them (not an honor for me) and they have to earn that first.. hopefully, their pecker will be a lot bigger and thicker than my pinky finger too (oh and yeah, circumcised)
Mec, do you like teasing/seducing guys?
nope. It's either am wanted or not. If am not wanted, then am not wanted. If am wanted, then, it won't really be seduction anymore, ryt? (i've always had this nagging suspicion that only a few men will totally not want me because they're naturally lustful of women, and last time i checked, am still very much a woman.. plus, I smell nice, has got a cute enuff bod and uhm...is wise to the err.. ways of the bedroom...add my muscle control capabilities, ability to really get wet and multiply orgasm...uhm..err..hihihihi...you get the picture)
Mec, why are you so preoccupied with sex?
Actually, i'm not. But am ok with discussing it. And it's one topic I can contribute to...other things I have a lot of ideas about are Death, Psychology and Relationships...but who really wants to discuss anything so serious or morbid? Plus, being a repro health counselor trained me to treat sex questions w/o gasping, blushing and getting shocked. Just imagine how a counselee would feel if he saw you uncomfy with the words vagina, penis, f*ck, etc..
Does this mean you may be conservative too?
Definitely! I cringe at the thought of engaging in anal sex, or joining orgies. I haven't even done it in the fitting room in some mall, or at the beach, or anywhere public. I mean, by golly, the most exhibitionistic i've gotten is providing fodder to our neighbors' fantasies and uhm... going to Makati wearing a dress sans panties (that isn't even exhibitionistic ryt? I mean, how would all the yuppies there know that just one wrong spread of my legs eh they'd see heaven?)
How sexually active are you?
Right now? Not very much. I'm limited by my uhm.. limitations. Lolz... But I used to be the perfect b!tch, always in heat and raring to go. Maybe that lessens with age. Maybe, by the time I hit 30, i'd decide to become a nun. Sex would...by then...be sooo boring and un-appetizing for me. (hey, weirder things have happened)
And why are you posting this?
Err..am frustrated. My officemates started talking about women as sex toys and sex positions and I had to bite my tongue lest I reveal how more aware of moan zones and sexperiences at its finest I am compared to them (and they're married). I keep telling you guys, I am so repressed!!!
still sleepy..... wish I won't be anymore so my mind will be active... and dynamic... and productive...
advance Valentine mushiness:
"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt."
....aptly says why I have decided to remain single for so long. I want to give my next partner all the best that I have, and I don't want him shortchanged because of personal demons and unresolved issues and unfinished businesses that I may have.
I want to enter my next relationship with really open arms and a really hopeful, innocent, faithful heart. What would be the sense of being with the man of your dreams only to give him parts of you and not the whole parcel? And where is the wisdom of building a relationship where there is no readiness and surrender on your part? And, what is the point of saying I LOVE YOU again, and still not meaning (or shooting for) forever?
"The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt."
....aptly says why I have decided to remain single for so long. I want to give my next partner all the best that I have, and I don't want him shortchanged because of personal demons and unresolved issues and unfinished businesses that I may have.
I want to enter my next relationship with really open arms and a really hopeful, innocent, faithful heart. What would be the sense of being with the man of your dreams only to give him parts of you and not the whole parcel? And where is the wisdom of building a relationship where there is no readiness and surrender on your part? And, what is the point of saying I LOVE YOU again, and still not meaning (or shooting for) forever?
"What's the world's greatest lie?" the boy asked, completely surprised. "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for forty days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.
Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man's attention.
The wise man listened attentively to the boy's explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn't have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.
"Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something," said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. "As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill."
The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.
"Well," asked the wise man, "did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?"
The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.
"Then go back and observe the marvels of my world," said the wise man. "You cannot trust a man if you don't know his house."
"Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.
"But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?" asked the wise man.
Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.
"Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you," said the wisest of wise man. "The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon."
- The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"A certain shopkeeper sent his son to learn about the secret of happiness from the wisest man in the world. The lad wandered through the desert for forty days, and finally came upon a beautiful castle, high atop a mountain. It was there that the wise man lived.
Rather than finding a saintly man, though, our hero, on entering the main room of the castle, saw a hive of activity: tradesmen came and went, people were conversing in the corners, a small orchestra was playing soft music, and there was a table covered with platters of the most delicious food in that part of the world. The wise man conversed with everyone, and the boy had to wait for two hours before it was his turn to be given the man's attention.
The wise man listened attentively to the boy's explanation of why he had come, but told him that he didn't have time just then to explain the secret of happiness. He suggested that the boy look around the palace and return in two hours.
"Meanwhile, I want to ask you to do something," said the wise man, handing the boy a teaspoon that held two drops of oil. "As you wander around, carry this spoon with you without allowing the oil to spill."
The boy began climbing and descending the many stairways of the palace, keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. After two hours, he returned to the room where the wise man was.
"Well," asked the wise man, "did you see the Persian tapestries that are hanging in my dining hall? Did you see the garden that it took the master gardener ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?"
The boy was embarrassed, and confessed that he had observed nothing. His only concern had been not to spill the oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.
"Then go back and observe the marvels of my world," said the wise man. "You cannot trust a man if you don't know his house."
"Relieved, the boy picked up the spoon and returned to his exploration of the palace, this time observing all of the works of art on the ceilings and the walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around him, the beauty of the flowers, and the taste with which everything had been selected. Upon returning to the wise man, he related in detail everything he had seen.
"But where are the drops of oil I entrusted to you?" asked the wise man.
Looking down at the spoon he held, the boy saw that the oil was gone.
"Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you," said the wisest of wise man. "The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon."
- The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
my 6 year old niece, Ela, was calling me... when i saw her mom's number has miscalled, I got worried that something might be wrong with my baby. She just misses me pala :)
*~*~*~*~*~
met with my old pexer gang (i say old because we're to celebrate 3 years of togetherness this year)... sigh, I missed them so. Weird, none of us have gotten married in all that time, tho there are two planning such soon... Yayin insists on being a bridesmaid... (i've only been a bridesmaid once...hmmpf!); MJ n Rhonna both believe its their destiny to own a 6100; Mickee brought along an equally crazy friend and trina brought her baby pics along. None of us are getting slimmer. All of us are still crazy.
by the way, was telling them that i enjoyed Spirit Warriors (honest, I wanted to become a Babaylan after watching the movie with my cousins last Sunday) when all of a sudden, I see Danilo and Bong irl... weird... never felt more... err... jologs?
on the way home, I passed by this Bingo Convenience Store and saw this girl sitting somewhere beside the store. She was approached by a guy. The guy took her hand and she stood up being assisted by the guy (by the held hand). Just found it tooo sweet and old-fashioned.
*~*~*~*~*~
Anche once told me that he feels the word MENTOR (which I now define as someone who inspires you to be a better you) is just TORMENT spelled weirdly.
*~*~*~*~*~
met with my old pexer gang (i say old because we're to celebrate 3 years of togetherness this year)... sigh, I missed them so. Weird, none of us have gotten married in all that time, tho there are two planning such soon... Yayin insists on being a bridesmaid... (i've only been a bridesmaid once...hmmpf!); MJ n Rhonna both believe its their destiny to own a 6100; Mickee brought along an equally crazy friend and trina brought her baby pics along. None of us are getting slimmer. All of us are still crazy.
by the way, was telling them that i enjoyed Spirit Warriors (honest, I wanted to become a Babaylan after watching the movie with my cousins last Sunday) when all of a sudden, I see Danilo and Bong irl... weird... never felt more... err... jologs?
on the way home, I passed by this Bingo Convenience Store and saw this girl sitting somewhere beside the store. She was approached by a guy. The guy took her hand and she stood up being assisted by the guy (by the held hand). Just found it tooo sweet and old-fashioned.
*~*~*~*~*~
Anche once told me that he feels the word MENTOR (which I now define as someone who inspires you to be a better you) is just TORMENT spelled weirdly.
Monday, January 06, 2003
Internet ALCHEMIST told me to....
shine on my loved ones and give them all the nurturing and protection I can
and that I, not others, influence my reality...and to record my dreams
and that cool emotional detachment is necessary now..and to re-connect later
and that I should trust intuition on my path for beauty overwhelmes...
(by the way, am a FIRE SNAKE..and i should avoid burial places daw)
shine on my loved ones and give them all the nurturing and protection I can
and that I, not others, influence my reality...and to record my dreams
and that cool emotional detachment is necessary now..and to re-connect later
and that I should trust intuition on my path for beauty overwhelmes...
(by the way, am a FIRE SNAKE..and i should avoid burial places daw)
and so you weep
for an unborn child
who, in the first place
you did not want
yet, you loved him
and dreamed
dreams for him
in the midst of
all the confusion
and unpreparedness
God must have thought it better
to give you more time
to prepare yourself
for His gift
i believe He loved you
and your child, so much
that He postponed for a while
your meeting
but you, my darling
blamed yourself
for what was unplanned
and your very human reaction
to a thing unknown
and you shed tears
and mourn
for what never was
and never could be
you ache
longing for his little hands
to reach out to yours
yearning for his cries
and laughter
but, things are just
as it should be
the short span of life
that he lived
was all that it took
to bring you God's message
of love...
You, who was scared
and who fretted years ago
can do this
are made for this!
you never needed to question
your capacity to care
and nurture
and give
for...like that unborn child
that haunts you sometimes
You too were made in His love
You too are on your way to
changing a life...
Parenthood will come soon...
Mec 5-04-2001
i wanted a sad poem to ease my troubled spirit....
for an unborn child
who, in the first place
you did not want
yet, you loved him
and dreamed
dreams for him
in the midst of
all the confusion
and unpreparedness
God must have thought it better
to give you more time
to prepare yourself
for His gift
i believe He loved you
and your child, so much
that He postponed for a while
your meeting
but you, my darling
blamed yourself
for what was unplanned
and your very human reaction
to a thing unknown
and you shed tears
and mourn
for what never was
and never could be
you ache
longing for his little hands
to reach out to yours
yearning for his cries
and laughter
but, things are just
as it should be
the short span of life
that he lived
was all that it took
to bring you God's message
of love...
You, who was scared
and who fretted years ago
can do this
are made for this!
you never needed to question
your capacity to care
and nurture
and give
for...like that unborn child
that haunts you sometimes
You too were made in His love
You too are on your way to
changing a life...
Parenthood will come soon...
Mec 5-04-2001
i wanted a sad poem to ease my troubled spirit....
Sunday, January 05, 2003
See, I cannot make you proud
Of big things I can do
I don’t have great accomplishments
Am just really willing to love you
- line from a poem I once wrote
(not that I want to be as sad or lost as I was before, but i've come to realize that being in touch with yourself requires a certain degree of pain and desperation)
Of big things I can do
I don’t have great accomplishments
Am just really willing to love you
- line from a poem I once wrote
(not that I want to be as sad or lost as I was before, but i've come to realize that being in touch with yourself requires a certain degree of pain and desperation)
Lately I see clouds of sorrow in your eyes
Some deep sadness you can never quite disguise
Now I'm scared to ask what it's leading to
But I'm more afraid of not asking you
Is there something that you want to tell me
Is there something that I ought to know
Are we something that's still worth fighting for
Or should I simply let you go
Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history
I'll find some way to convince you to stay
If you just tell me honestly
Is there something left of you and me
You've got secrets you've been keeping for too long
And I'm going crazy acting like there's nothing wrong
I can taste the truth every time we kiss
And I can't go on
At least not like this
I don't want to lose you
But what's the use of holding on
I don't really have you
If the feeling's gone
Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history
If there's no way to convince you to stay
And be the way we used to be
Then there's something that I want to tell you
And I want you to believe it's true
We had something that I'll never forget
Even if I wanted to
'Cause part of me will always be with you
sang that at Dreamtown....of course, off-key...goes out to someone who...well....you should know who you are
====================
i bought this cute top for a pantulog but since it's ribbon got partly detached, i had to remove them completely.... now I look like this woman waiting/wanting to show my breasts and be suckled...
Some deep sadness you can never quite disguise
Now I'm scared to ask what it's leading to
But I'm more afraid of not asking you
Is there something that you want to tell me
Is there something that I ought to know
Are we something that's still worth fighting for
Or should I simply let you go
Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history
I'll find some way to convince you to stay
If you just tell me honestly
Is there something left of you and me
You've got secrets you've been keeping for too long
And I'm going crazy acting like there's nothing wrong
I can taste the truth every time we kiss
And I can't go on
At least not like this
I don't want to lose you
But what's the use of holding on
I don't really have you
If the feeling's gone
Is there something I can do to reach you
Are we something more than history
If there's no way to convince you to stay
And be the way we used to be
Then there's something that I want to tell you
And I want you to believe it's true
We had something that I'll never forget
Even if I wanted to
'Cause part of me will always be with you
sang that at Dreamtown....of course, off-key...goes out to someone who...well....you should know who you are
====================
i bought this cute top for a pantulog but since it's ribbon got partly detached, i had to remove them completely.... now I look like this woman waiting/wanting to show my breasts and be suckled...
Saturday, January 04, 2003
2 Things I didn't like this week
One
Happiness was the first that came to mind when I found out that my brother's gf was pregnant. After all, it meant we're gonna have a baby in the house, finally! Then, it later sunk that i'd feel a little jealous because it wouldn't be my child that would be first to experience the overflowing and long-overdue affection from anticipating and waiting-to-be grandparents. But.. I reasoned, maybe this is what would heal my brother's issue about me (as th eldest) being the favored child. Besides, I already love the child even if I don't care much about its mother (we don't really know my brother's gf... she just sleeps here sometimes) or its father (he has greatly stressed me and caused problems in the family).
Then it started occurring to me... that my brother doesn't really love his gf. Sure, he cares for her. But he doesn't love her. How else can he lie to her about already having told our parents about the baby? And why does he insist on coming home late and turning his cell off? And why wasn't he a little bit concerned that his gf felt ill the other night (while I was panicking on what to do)? And since i've always known that there is a girl he really wishes he'd have (a girl who's working abroad). And I'm torn on whether I should do something to prevent their marriage (since chances are, it's what the girl's parents are going to ask from my parents). My brother reminds me very much of a close cousin who got someone pregnant and wouldn't even take care or hold his first baby. And I feel bad for my pamangkin, that his father couldn't have been a better man.
Two
MY Mom just got home and told me if I know this guy from Lipa. Turned out, my first real boyfriend (of two years) back when I was still in high school, tried to commit suicide. He was only saved becase someone found him (in time) hanging from a tree. I'm still in shock and i'm still very sad because he had to resort to such an act of....cowardice and failure. I want to talk to him. I think he may need to talk to me. And I worry that if he doesn't talk to someone, he might find himself hanging by the end of his rope again (no pun intended). And i'm sorry for the woman he married (a former Ate who seduced him from me using her body and her age) and his two kids. And as much as I have a pretty good idea on what led him to such a state of mind (rumors in the barrio fly high)... I'm still in shock. He's the first person in my life that I loved and cared about that did such a thing. Arrgghh..... I don't know what to think.
And i've forgiven him na for two-timing me before. And I thank him for still loving me somehow after all these years. And i'm thankful that he's chenged for the better for his family. And had he died, i'd always be haunted by our last meeting (it wasn't that significant, save for it being the last).
Am still in shock!
One
Happiness was the first that came to mind when I found out that my brother's gf was pregnant. After all, it meant we're gonna have a baby in the house, finally! Then, it later sunk that i'd feel a little jealous because it wouldn't be my child that would be first to experience the overflowing and long-overdue affection from anticipating and waiting-to-be grandparents. But.. I reasoned, maybe this is what would heal my brother's issue about me (as th eldest) being the favored child. Besides, I already love the child even if I don't care much about its mother (we don't really know my brother's gf... she just sleeps here sometimes) or its father (he has greatly stressed me and caused problems in the family).
Then it started occurring to me... that my brother doesn't really love his gf. Sure, he cares for her. But he doesn't love her. How else can he lie to her about already having told our parents about the baby? And why does he insist on coming home late and turning his cell off? And why wasn't he a little bit concerned that his gf felt ill the other night (while I was panicking on what to do)? And since i've always known that there is a girl he really wishes he'd have (a girl who's working abroad). And I'm torn on whether I should do something to prevent their marriage (since chances are, it's what the girl's parents are going to ask from my parents). My brother reminds me very much of a close cousin who got someone pregnant and wouldn't even take care or hold his first baby. And I feel bad for my pamangkin, that his father couldn't have been a better man.
Two
MY Mom just got home and told me if I know this guy from Lipa. Turned out, my first real boyfriend (of two years) back when I was still in high school, tried to commit suicide. He was only saved becase someone found him (in time) hanging from a tree. I'm still in shock and i'm still very sad because he had to resort to such an act of....cowardice and failure. I want to talk to him. I think he may need to talk to me. And I worry that if he doesn't talk to someone, he might find himself hanging by the end of his rope again (no pun intended). And i'm sorry for the woman he married (a former Ate who seduced him from me using her body and her age) and his two kids. And as much as I have a pretty good idea on what led him to such a state of mind (rumors in the barrio fly high)... I'm still in shock. He's the first person in my life that I loved and cared about that did such a thing. Arrgghh..... I don't know what to think.
And i've forgiven him na for two-timing me before. And I thank him for still loving me somehow after all these years. And i'm thankful that he's chenged for the better for his family. And had he died, i'd always be haunted by our last meeting (it wasn't that significant, save for it being the last).
Am still in shock!
Friday, January 03, 2003
My aunt allowed herself to be a mistress. She also allowed herself to be swept away from relatives to settle in General Santos City and raise her five kids there (10, if none miscarried or died). She reached 5 kids to give my uncle a son. You can have her hunted for your crime and still be forgiven by her. You can raise your voice at her and call her names...and hours later, borrow money from her (if she has any to give). You can enroll your child in the school she manages without paying the tuition fee. You can have her cook what you want to eat without complaining. You can always have her last cent. Some may call her weak. Some may call her too good..or too nice...or too lenient. Some may call her a pushover.
We've always despaired about how she's letting others use her and abuse her kindness.
And yet...when I was playing this icebreaker-kind-of-game with my sister and 3 of her daughters...I was humbled.
It was just a silly card game where you pick one and either answer the question or complete the sentence written in the card. Tin-tin picked one and I read it for her to answer.
"You would be the happiest person on earth if your kid will turn out to be _____ " to which she answered "Like Mama".
Later on, Daye picked a card which said "The description of a perfect woman is _____" ....... to which she also answered "Mama".
That was touching and real eye-opening for me. These teenage kids know that their Mom has sinned according to the Church they follow. They have had troubling times wherein they had to eat once a day only (being far away from us, we never knew... my aunt had pride too). Their lives have been several times troubled by the police brought to their doors by people who have swindled other people and left their mother's name as a home address. My aunt wasn't even able to deliver her birthday promise of a cellphone for Tin-tin's debut (and yet she was able to finance the travel fare of my two other cousins...w/c cost the same). And yet, she is PERFECT for her kids. And despite all those things we have always perceived as her weaknesses.... she's the only person right now who I know for a fact to be adored by her children. Completely looked up to.
How many kids will answer in the same way? How many people nowadays hold their parents in as high a regard?
And I really wish I can be that kind of mother...and not inspire bitterness and hostility from my own children when I commit mistakes.
I admit, it's been decades since I adored my parents. So, I also wish its not yet too late to be that kind of a child, who will not hold it against her parents their weaknesses and limitations.
And again, I am humbled. And from now on, I will be better.
We've always despaired about how she's letting others use her and abuse her kindness.
And yet...when I was playing this icebreaker-kind-of-game with my sister and 3 of her daughters...I was humbled.
It was just a silly card game where you pick one and either answer the question or complete the sentence written in the card. Tin-tin picked one and I read it for her to answer.
"You would be the happiest person on earth if your kid will turn out to be _____ " to which she answered "Like Mama".
Later on, Daye picked a card which said "The description of a perfect woman is _____" ....... to which she also answered "Mama".
That was touching and real eye-opening for me. These teenage kids know that their Mom has sinned according to the Church they follow. They have had troubling times wherein they had to eat once a day only (being far away from us, we never knew... my aunt had pride too). Their lives have been several times troubled by the police brought to their doors by people who have swindled other people and left their mother's name as a home address. My aunt wasn't even able to deliver her birthday promise of a cellphone for Tin-tin's debut (and yet she was able to finance the travel fare of my two other cousins...w/c cost the same). And yet, she is PERFECT for her kids. And despite all those things we have always perceived as her weaknesses.... she's the only person right now who I know for a fact to be adored by her children. Completely looked up to.
How many kids will answer in the same way? How many people nowadays hold their parents in as high a regard?
And I really wish I can be that kind of mother...and not inspire bitterness and hostility from my own children when I commit mistakes.
I admit, it's been decades since I adored my parents. So, I also wish its not yet too late to be that kind of a child, who will not hold it against her parents their weaknesses and limitations.
And again, I am humbled. And from now on, I will be better.
Thursday, January 02, 2003
Wednesday, January 01, 2003
MEC: A Virtuous Woman
Since I cannot sleep, I was reminded of a recent intelligent conversation I had with a friend.
I also realized that I am more virtuous than a lot of women out there in the sense that.... When I say I love you to a man, it is not because he was the only man who will have me, or the only man who respected me or gave me the time of day...but because I did love him, borne out of a choice and not out of a need. When I commit to a man, it's not because I fear losing him to other girls or because I believe no one else will knock on my door....but because I only choose to love a man who deserves nothing but the highest from me. There is no virtue in believing you have no other options.
And it's such a sad thing when a man mistakes ignorance for innocence in a woman. And a sadder thing when a man would rather pick a girl who does not know how to party and call her virtuous just because she has not been around much. I am no slut and I also do not like women who treat themselves as cheap commodities....but I pride myself, and I hope my future man will think the same, with the fact that I have kept my self-respect in moments where others would have discarded theirs...and have practiced self-discipline where others would have been tempted.
And to my male friends....surely you deserve better than winning a woman who do not even attract other men? And how can you even say that a certain woman chose you when it doesn't seem like you're much of a choice by reason of lack of competitors? And isn't it sweeter to know that she chose you among all other men...and remains faithful to you despite all other men?
Ah basta, am virtuous. And no one can convince me otherwise.
(aside: ang cute-cute pala ng boobs ko....pramis!!! and am not just saying that kasi they're mine and by virtue of self-love. Basta...ang cute ng roundness nila, yung firmness nila...tas yung nipples nila..basta.....ang cute-cute nila....)
Since I cannot sleep, I was reminded of a recent intelligent conversation I had with a friend.
I also realized that I am more virtuous than a lot of women out there in the sense that.... When I say I love you to a man, it is not because he was the only man who will have me, or the only man who respected me or gave me the time of day...but because I did love him, borne out of a choice and not out of a need. When I commit to a man, it's not because I fear losing him to other girls or because I believe no one else will knock on my door....but because I only choose to love a man who deserves nothing but the highest from me. There is no virtue in believing you have no other options.
And it's such a sad thing when a man mistakes ignorance for innocence in a woman. And a sadder thing when a man would rather pick a girl who does not know how to party and call her virtuous just because she has not been around much. I am no slut and I also do not like women who treat themselves as cheap commodities....but I pride myself, and I hope my future man will think the same, with the fact that I have kept my self-respect in moments where others would have discarded theirs...and have practiced self-discipline where others would have been tempted.
And to my male friends....surely you deserve better than winning a woman who do not even attract other men? And how can you even say that a certain woman chose you when it doesn't seem like you're much of a choice by reason of lack of competitors? And isn't it sweeter to know that she chose you among all other men...and remains faithful to you despite all other men?
Ah basta, am virtuous. And no one can convince me otherwise.
(aside: ang cute-cute pala ng boobs ko....pramis!!! and am not just saying that kasi they're mine and by virtue of self-love. Basta...ang cute ng roundness nila, yung firmness nila...tas yung nipples nila..basta.....ang cute-cute nila....)
...i guess the meeting of the minds, hearts and souls I've been longing for (which has happened once) will not be happening today....
but it may happen tomorrow....after all, who knows what tomorrow could bring? today brought me a baby to be born in June...so who knows, right?
am just real happy today...in spite of and because of all the things that have happened to me
but it may happen tomorrow....after all, who knows what tomorrow could bring? today brought me a baby to be born in June...so who knows, right?
am just real happy today...in spite of and because of all the things that have happened to me
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