i've moved her blog. if you want to know the URL leave a message in the comment box with your email. of course, whether she replies or not, is her own discretion.
- vëra =?

major things to spend on:

1> a new backpack w/c can accommodate my earth pad and a tent (Deuter sells this air-cool one for P3.2k)

2> a tent, even if it's only good for one since i'd be the one carrying it

3> a digital camera worth some php 18k

4> a sleeping bag (P1k ?)

5> a pair of thermal underwear

6> a trip to Baguio w/ Libet (P2k)

7> a trip to Boracay w/ Grace (P10k)

8> running shoes (P2k)

9> PC upgrade (P10k)

hmm..... things keep coming back to mountaineering needs.... this is bad...

methinks i really need that promotion... wish me luck, guys :)

Dreamt of the movie CHICAGO all night... and woke up to the words to the song Mr. Cellophane....

coz you could see right through me
walk right by me...

Sigh.... i'm dang lonely.

*~*

Spent the whole afternoon yesterday talking to one of my dearest, closest friends... I missed her terribly... and feel for her terribly... and I am scared that, with my own similar selfishness and unyielding nature, with my staunch resistance to really growing up... I might end up sadder than she is right now...

*~*

Love has always come easy for me, it seems. Again, my problem has always been... being attached to someone... and being part of a relationship (whether official or not).

And again, i'm tired of living lies and being unfair... and again, I am guilty of having hurt a lot of people just because I couldn't stay the way i'm supposed to be...

Single... singular... whatever...

I miss my Dad... but of course, I didn't go to him to Lipa today to greet him personally for being one of the best fathers a daughter can have... Bad daughter...

But I really thank God that my father loved my Mom....

By the way.... can't remember when it was that I finally got to watch some parts of a Sex and the City episode... this blonde girl wasn't being happy-fied by her man because his pecker was small... or so she told their therapist...

The guy shot back.... that hasn't the girl ever thought her vagina to be too big... instead.... ahihihihi

Oh well... this reminds me again of a woman's limitations in gripping peckers...

FIFTH INSTALLATION OF KINKY, HORNY, NAUGHTY TEXT MESSAGES


i can give you hell, and i can give you heaven...and either way, i will be GOOD

after meeting you tonight, i realized that my breasts belong in your mouth

if you didn't believe in PARADISE, i swear i can still take you there

"i'd really love to make you jealous next time we meet, so that you'd possess me and mark me..next time we mate..."

"don't you just miss heaven between my legs?"

"another week of pining for you.......hoping this time....in my bed, i'd find you..."

"ala akong magawa.......lika dito....paligayahin moko"

"thank you for worshipping my body..."

"let's play again tomorrow"

"i've never met a man who didn't want me......YOU WILL BE NO EXCEPTION....just give me time......"

"i want to spend the next days just lovemaking with you...."

"i want all of you, your body, your soul.....i want you to lose all control..."

honey, malamig ang panahon....panggigilan mo naman ako pls?

it's the way you make love to me, it's the feelings I feel.....it's the force of your impact...it's the passion of your lips.....

Two of my female chatmates.... are currently in love and being played with... by err.. taken men...

And I don't know why this should unduly sadden me so...

And it's not that I cannot get or understand or comprehend or make room for the possibility that these women can love taken men... because that, I get...

What I cannot get is how these women do not or cannot love themselves enough to respect themselves and leave these guys who, for all intents and purposes, are just looking for entertainment, diversion, quick lays, etc (why else would they have remained with the original girlfriend or the wife anyway)

IF YOU'RE SEEING AN IMAGE OF AN ANUS... please don't think I was trying to be grossly cute... I didn't post it... please... believe me, I don't entertain that way...

How does one tell a man... that the reason a woman cannot and should not... believe his declaration of love for her.... is because it's equally devastating and traumatic for her to be deeply and irrevocably loved by a man who is married to someone else.

Imagine... being told that nobody would love you the same way... or that his love is forever... and knowing he's not anymore a candidate for spending an entire lifetime with...

Imagine... how, if you give in to the words and bank on the promised love, he can, just as easily... love someone else (aside from you and his wife) as deeply... and how he can long for someone else with an aching so strong... when he's in your arms...

Almost lost a jacket back in Boracay.... something more precious to me than the entire trip.

*~*

I feel so emaciated and starved... must be due to the entire week I wasn't enjoying the food at Pearl. Partly it's due to the really atrocious food they come up with there.... partly because I wasn't in the company of loved ones and friends.

*~*

Eventhough I did not enjoy the place as much... I am missing Boracay for the same reason I missed it some 2 years ago (first time I went there). I just loved being half-naked half the time. I even risked parading around in just this strip of cloth covering my boobs... and a sarong wrapped precariously low on my hips (in the guise of drying my henna tattoo). By golly, the place really appeals to my exhibitionistic tendencies.... And I dunno, must be because we were half-starved in the resort we were staying in... but I swear I looked slim and sexy the whole time there.... sigh..

And talk about sunkissed..... (oh wait, I was never under the sun really... hmm.. but then, why the glow... hmmm)

*~*

I really hope I can get to save some Php 10k and bring my sister there... she's been hankering for a plane ride anyway... or, we can take the Nautical Highway going there. Ahihihihi...

*~*

Speaking of sisters... mine would start college tomorrow... and again, I feel like such a mother! Anyway, I just hope she enjoys it as much as I did... and that it would propel her to real and more realistic dreams.

Ahhhh.... alas, in our walk back to the really atrocious hotel called Pearl of the Pacific (seriously guys, service was awful... and the food was soooo horrible... imagine being served menudong taba and sinigang na taba.... ever!!!) where we are holding our workshop... we chanced upon this netcafe and well... here i am to report that i am wearing this really skimpy outfit i bought here... and nothing else....

well... a really cute smile din pala.... ahehehehehehe

and tomorrow promises a really fun time for me...

w/c is good... for Boracay, w/o friends and loved ones.... can be the loneliest place on earth...

unless of course, you don't mind cheapening yourself by err.... engaging in other activities...

(besides, cute guys to flirt with are almost extinct here at this time of the month)

I am off to Boracay tonight guys.... pray for some sun ok? and pray I can get a real sexy henna tattoo

*~*

I just realized in a real funny but somehow ego-unflattering way... that I am not as HOT as I used to be.... or that even I can be rejected... or unwanted... or uh, set aside....

*~*

My ex (4th) was texting me all night last night, keeping me updated and reporting that he was taking care and attending to... my sister... who was in the same party/gathering as he was.... weird...

*~*

Realized that masturbation has always been...and always will be.. more psychic than physical.. for me

This is haunting me a little....

Stream of Consciousness.....
Wednesday, no work, due to rains

"... warm body... hand gliding behind my back... hot kisses... rolling in bed... then I see myself using my red hanky blindfolding a man... we're both completely naked... we're both warm, no... HOT ... kisses... kissing... he starts fondling my right breast... my nipples are so erect because of the warm touch.. and the cold sheets..."

I open my eyes.... shift in my bed... clutch on my pillow... then fall back again in the half-sleeping, dreamy state I was in just recently.

"... i'm on top of the blindfolded man this time... rocking gently back and forth as I ride him to ecstasies he never thought possible with me... juices dripping... muscles getting clenched... unclenched... feelings of flying... dying.... liberation... soft breasts... hard, really wet shaft... grinding... gyrating.... pumping...."

SHOOTIX

"... legs spread.... thighs being pulled higher... entry.... hot sensation of juice and friction... moans... gasps... nipple-playing... me pleading... begging for more... for the big O....

I open my eyes and bite my lip.... this is one really troubled sleep....

"... doggie position... me hugging the bed to support my weight... guy riding me... intimacy... his heartbeat on my back... deep thrusts... being told how delicious and heavenly everything is... moaning again.... exhaustion..... orgasm.... orgasm...."

what time is it.... hmm....

"... myself.... biting my lip... looking intently at guy... pleading... let's use this table... please... please... sitting... spreading... lying on cold steel... moaning... being approached... being eaten... savored.... enjoyed... his head clamped to what he's eating..."

2 hours already... shit, i gotta come now....

"... sweat... gasping breath.... guy on top.... slow motion... slow lovemaking... intense passion... hips buckling... yes... more.... more... give me more... being taken... marked... pleading look... faster... faster... deeper... no stopping... eyes locked... wave after wave of wonderful sensations... ripples of his orgasm leading to one.... really.... intense... exhausting.... pleasurable.... finish..."

ahh.. wet thighs.... wet... uhm, nevermind...

not really the advisable way to wake up on a stormy, non-working day

HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYS

1) Sleep with him readily on the first day.
2) Don't sleep with him.
3) Nag him to death.
4) Demand trivial things... like he should text you his whereabouts every hour, that kind of thing.
5) Be real creepy... talk about a possible married life with him on the first date.
6) Cough a lot and sneeze a lot on his food.
7) Leave unwanted marks in hs car... stains, scraches, vomit smell, etc.
8) Be more charming with his other guy friends.
9) Be competitive with his girl friends and mother
10) Sleep around while dating him.
11) Badmouth all the guys who have gone through your life (if he's sound of mind, he'd think it logical you'd do the same to him anytime soon)
12) Introduce him to your girl friends who are of more sound, stable mind (and if he's just an average guy, introduce him to your prettier, bustier friends)
13) Steal from him.
14) Make him buy you a lot of stuff.
15) Tell him over and over you're in love with him.
16) Be mushy. Cry w/o cues.
17) Be high maintenance
18) Fake a lot of orgasms... then tell him 3 days after.
19) Shout someone else's name while in the throes of orgasm with him. Or compare his kisses w/ another guy's... preferably someone he knows.
20) During lovemaking.... come up with a really big eggplant and ask him to turn around.

will add other silly stuff.... when i come up with them

Uyyyy, belated happy birthday to Ate Ene... although she's already resting in peace somewhere... where I hope to join her someday....

Wise men say...

LOOKS LIKE RAIN TODAY

*~*

As I contemplate how a throat swab happens, and how it would be like to be trapped in a car (say, a coaster) travelling via RoRo and having the vessel crash/sink... the week unfolds, seemingly mourning, seemingly angry, seemingly PMS-ing in it's fickle-mindedness...

Shucks...am hearing EVERY NOW AND THEN here at the cafe.... am getting all kinds of melodramatic and sad...

Yes, i'm soooo pasaway, being in a net cafe where the a/c hits my back almost directly while I have this fever... not only do I risk contaminating others... but err... aggravating the sickness that has kept me on antibiotics for weeks now...

*~*

Just realized yet again why i'm still single. Pity will really go to the man who will vow to love me and care for me.. coz he'd have to deal with a wacko kind of girl, with different motivations and reasoning powers... (read: usually unreasonable).

I'm pretty sure, great sex won't be enough to compensate for all the stress and emotional roller coaster he'd have to endure. Heck.... my last ex got more gray hairs because of me than because of his job.

Didn't really watch the Maalaala Mo Kaya episode last night.... but the part I did watch was enough to rattle me into saying....

THANK YOU, GOD

The episode last night featured this son dying of cancer. He was to be followed by his brother several years later. And I couldn't help but think how blessed my family and I have been.

I cannot imagine my mother surviving a death of a young child. I can't imagine not being scarred for life with the death of a sibling. And as much as i'd still rather my deadbeat brother in jail rather than have him kill someone (which is kinda weird since he would end up in jail anyway, if he killed anyone)... sigh... I also don't want him dead.

Oh, I know i'd forever hate him if I see him fail the future niece/nephew he'd have... but I digress...

We have been lucky. All our bills get paid on time. We never had to sell properties and body parts and our dignity just to sustain someone's medication.... or addiction...

We're all relatively healthy even if Mom is on maintenance drugs for her diabetes. We still can eat whatever we want... we're not locked up in some asylum somewhere because one of us was demented or... really contagious. My brother has only been a really slight menace to our barangay... but that's it. My sister, at age 17... still hasn't showed up at our doorstep pregnant or gang-raped.

I could go on and on... and not really to tempt fate but to really voice out how humbling it is to realize that... my family has been blessed.

And i'm really, really grateful.

I really am.

borrowed from TETA's journal.....

allow me to be mushy and... and... and.... wish that such thoughts... that this one even.... be dedicated for me....

*~*

Valentine
by John Fuller

The things about you I appreciate
may seem indelicate:

I'd like to find you in the shower
And chase the soap for half an hour.
I'd like to have you in my power
and see your eyes dilate.
I'd like to have your back to scour
And other parts to lubricate.
Sometimes I feel it is my fate
To chase you screaming up a tower
or make you cower
By asking you to differentiate
Nietzsche from Schopenhauer.
I'd like to successfully guess your weight
and win you at a fete.
I'd like to offer you a flower.

I like the hair upon your shoulders,
Falling like water over boulders.
I like the shoulders, too: they are essential.
Your collar-bones have great potential
(I'd like all your particulars in folders
marked Confidential).

I like your cheeks, I like your nose,
I like the way your lips disclose
The neat arrangement of your teeth
(Half above and half beneath)
in rows.

I like your eyes, I like their fringes.
The way they focus on me gives me twinges.
Your upper arms drive me berserk.
I like the way your elbows work,
on hinges.

I like your wrists, I like your glands,
I like the fingers on your hands.
I'd like to teach them how to count,
And certain things we might exchange,
Something familiar for something strange.
I'd like to give you just the right amount
and get some change.

I like it when you tilt your cheek up.
I like the way you nod and hold a teacup.
I like your legs when you unwind them.
Even in trousers I don't mind them.
I like each softly-moulded kneecap.
I like the little crease behind them.
I'd always know, without a recap,
where to find them.

I like the sculpture of your ears.
I like the way your profile disappears
Whenever you decide to turn and face me.
I'd like to cross two hemispheres
and have you chase me.
I'd like to smuggle you across frontiers
Or sail with you at night into Tangiers.
I'd like you to embrace me.

I'd like to see you ironing your skirt
and cancelling other dates.
I'd like to button up your shirt.
I like the way your chest inflates.
I'd like to soothe you when you're hurt
Or frightened senseless by invertebrates.

I'd like you even if you were malign
And had a yen for sudden homicide.
I'd let you put insecticide
into my wine.
I'd even like you if you were the Bride of Frankenstein
Or something ghoulish out of Mamoulian's Jekyll and Hyde.
I'd even like you as my Julian of Norwich or Cathleen ni Houlihan
How melodramatic
If you were something muttering in attics
Like Mrs Rochester or a student of boolean mathematics.

You are the end of self-abuse.
You are the eternal feminine.
I'd like to find a good excuse
To call on you and find you in.
I'd like to put my hand beneath your chin.
And see you grin.
I'd like to taste your Charlotte Russe,
I'd like to feel my lips upon your skin,
I'd like to make you reproduce.

I'd like you in my confidence.
I'd like to be your second look.
I'd like to let you try the French Defence
and mate you with my rook.
I'd like to be your preference
and hence
I'd like to be around when you unhook.
I'd like to be your only audience,
The final name in your appointment book,
your future tense.

Two things about muscle control that people should remember....

1) The man has got to have enough length....and enough girth..... I mean, a woman, no matter how trained her PC muscles may be... cannot simply squeeze what it cannot have a grip on.

2) A very wet, dripping woman will also have a hard time getting a hold on a pecker. Chances are, everything will just keep sliding/slipping....

i'm just wondering.... if a person is saying goodbye to a loved one... because their relationship just wouldn't work... do they start singing.... Love will lead you back by Taylor Dane (?)?

*~*

I have some sort of writer's block.... it really sucks that I can't access my own blog, and therefore, fail to see if my posts are getting comments whatsoever.

*~*

I have been officially sick for 3 weeks now... and I have also been indescribably horny... which has led me to despicably humiliating err.... encounters with myself... not that it wasn't gratifying... not that sleeping after was hard... but still.... i hate self-inflicted satisfaction....

unless it's WC

Say you're a girl.... and you're liking a boy who is liking you back... it seems...

And then you find out, that a friend of yours is liking and falling for the same boy....

Do you withdraw?

FOURTH INSTALLATION OF TEXT MESSAGES.....

Come on insert name of guy here, make me your b!tch!!!

“Let’s stop texting and start ____-ing”

If you can make me have at least 3 consecutive orgasms in 3 minutes max…come on over, I need you

hear me moan......
how do you want my tongue?"

"i will wear you out....."

you're not yet a real man till you're squeezed by me

bring your digi cam...am gonna bring my lingerie....oh, and my naked bod...

i can still feel your mouth...

tell me, would you really rather i undress myself? won't you do it for me?

imagine me and my red thongs with feathers....with strawberry jam and a can of whipped cream.....and nothing else...

i can't wait to be shouting HARDER, MORE, PUSH...DON'T STOP...FASTER...YES...YES....OH YES.....OH I BEG YOU TO NOT STOP....RAM ME....F#CK ME......etc...again...at you....

all of a sudden, i wanna be flashing my tits at you.....you think you'll ever wanna suck them?

promise me, that you will bite....

know that my mouth has always taken men to places....they've never been......

Err

Guess what am wearing underneath the jacket...

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

Song - Independent Women
Album - Charlie's Angels Soundtrack

Lucy Liu... with my girl, Drew... Cameron D. and Destiny
Charlie's Angels, Come on
Uh uh uh

Question: Tell me what you think about me
I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings
Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin lonely
When it's all over please get up and leave
Question: Tell me how you feel about this
Try to control me boy you get dismissed
Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills
Always 50/50 in relationships

The shoes on my feet
I've bought it
The clothes I'm wearing
I've bought it
The rock I'm rockin'
'Cause I depend on me
If I wanted the watch you're wearin'
I'll buy it
The house I live in
I've bought it
The car I'm driving
I've bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)

All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that

Tell me how you feel about this
Who would I want if I would wanna live
I worked hard and sacrificed to get what I get
Ladies, it ain't easy bein' independent
Question: How'd you like this knowledge that I brought
Braggin' on that cash that he gave you is to front
If you're gonna brag make sure it's your money you flaunt
Depend on noone else to give you what you want

The shoes on my feet
I've bought it
The clothes I'm wearing
I've bought it
The rock I'm rockin'
'Cause I depend on me
If I wanted the watch you're wearin'
I'll buy it
The house I live in
I've bought it
The car I'm driving
I've bought it
I depend on me
(I depend on me)

All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that

Destiny's Child
Wassup?
You in the house?
Sure 'nuff
We'll break these people off Angel style

Child of Destiny
Independent beauty
Noone else can scare me
Charlie's Angels

Woah All the women who are independent
Throw your hands up at me
All the honeys who makin' money
Throw your hands up at me
All the mommas who profit dollas
Throw your hands up at me
All the ladies who truly feel me
Throw your hands up at me

Girl I didn't know you could get down like that
Charlie, how your Angels get down like that
(repeat until fade)

it had to take Cebu to make me actually listen to this song's lyrics.... fits me well....

*~*

Pardon me while I burst
Pardon me while I burst
A decade ago, I never thought I would be.
A twenty three on the verge of spontaneous combustion woe is me
But I guess that it comes with the territory.
An ominous landscape of never-ending calamity.
I need you to hear. I need you to see.
That I have had all I can take
And exploding seems like a definite possibility
To me
So Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and its people's mindless games
So Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Not, two days ago I was having a look in a book
And I saw a picture of a guy fried up above his knees
I said I can relate
Cause lately I've been thinking of combustication as a welcomed vacation from.
The burdens of the planet earth, like gravity, hypocrisy, and the perils of being in 3-D...
And thinking so much differently.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
Pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Never be the same...yeah.
Pardon me while I burst into flames.
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
So pardon me while I burst into flames.
I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games
So pardon me while I burn, and rise above the flame
Pardon me, pardon me. I'll never be the same.
Pardon me, never be the same. Yeah

- PARDON ME by Incubus

sigh.... the theme song of my joyride with Otep.... thank you labski for being the most wonderful tour guide... and being most motherly when am getting sicker than usual....

Talk about being LIVID with anger.... talk about being made to feel cheap... and worse, unknown...

I swear, there's something creepy and ghastly about a crippled and blind man singing Passenger Seat along a street....

*~*

My dad hasn't been texting me for over a month now because he's TAMPO... that I didn't pass by our home in Lipa when I attended my niece Ela's graduation.... sigh... my Dad is such a child... hihihihihihi

A PROMISE I MAKE
Dakota Moon

Girl, you're every breath I take
Oh baby,
Your love rules every move I make
Oh baby,
And I know that you can't read my mind
And baby, maybe I

CHORUS
Don't say it as often as I should
But I really want it to be heard
When I say I love you that's for good
You have my word
That day after day after all
I will always be true
That's a promise I make to you

You, you take this heart of mine
And make it better
I need you to
Come and walk with me through this life
Forever
And I know these words are long over due
And baby, maybe I

CHORUS

I may hold you
I may need you
I may want to

CHORUS

Magaling nga ba ako gumiling?

Wala lang, minsan lang, nakakapagtaka para sakin na ako ang pinakanapapansin sa sayawan... at kung bakit natuturingang seksi agad ang mga galaw ko... kahit na hindi pa naman ako talaga naglalandi...

O bakit nasasabing 'hataw' na ako.... kahit na hindi pa naman nga....

*~*

keeping me from white chocolate IS an exercise in futility


Hindi ko rin alam kung matutuwa ako o hindi... kung masama ba yun o maganda....

QUICK....

am stressed... am toxic... am horny (as usual) and am depressed

Send me White Chocolates!!!!!!!

I'm a bitch
well yeah... i can be real bitchy... and well, if you consider all the men i've wanted to make sagpang in my head... man, i'm one hella promiscuous woman

I'm a lover
the weird thing is... I am one faithful lover.. and when I love a guy, I honestly LOVE a guy all out... i'm brave and child-like that way...

I'm a child
Ha... self-explanatory... especially if one sees how I am at home

I'm a mother
I know I am one.. why the hell would I have so many labskis hankering for counseling... why else would I be spending so much on nieces and nephews.. and crying for a niece's pain when her deadbeat dad doesn't show he loves her... or be protective of my sister.. my cousins.. why else would I hate rapists and child molesters so much?

I'm a sinner
Ergo... the gate filter banning me from actually seeing my site.... and well, the tumultuous experiences i've had growing up

I'm a saint
There are just some things I cannot do... like have an abortion... or submit myself to orgies wherein i'd be reduced to just a hole several guys can explore... or hurt my parents the way some parents have been hurt by their children...

I do not feel ashamed
Why should I? But sometimes, I do need to protect some loved ones from some aspects of my life... it's bad enough my parents had to know I was no longer a virgin... but they really shouldn't learn of what I share on the net... or how I like my men in bed... euuuhhhhh....

I'm your hell
Hahahahahaha.... pity the man who will take it upon himself to love me forever and also be forever subjected to.... my mood swings

I'm your dream
Err... *speechless* I do not want to assume for other men (on a playful note, wouldn't a man want to be with a playful, multiple orgasmic girl?)

I'm nothing in between
Actually... I like to think I cannot be labelled and contained by just one word... or one paragraph... hmm.. weird...

And you know you wouldn't want it any other way
Well, I wouldn't be MEC if I was uhm.. otherwise... right?

Say I have a boyfriend... or a husband... or an exclusive FuBu... or am a mistress... just say that am one taken woman involved with a heterosexual man.

Then I start having carnal thoughts about a woman... a bi woman... and ok, not so carnal thoughts because the most i've been imagining is kissing her and being held by her....

Then... I realize that there is an opportunity coming up wherein I can actually get a chance to kiss her (the woman is uhm... not averse to my charms).

If... I tell my man... that... come weekend, I am hoping to be wrapped in the arms of this one hot chick...

... my own tits cradled softly by hers...

... my nose gloriously taking her scent....

... my hands caressing her back... gently touching her softness, her warmth... her tummy... her tits maybe... her hair.... her face...

....my lips.... lost in the excited warmth of her mouth... gently explored... achingly teased... agressive and shy at the same time... my tongue tentatively reaching depths totally new to me... having never kissed a girl before....

feeling... for the first time... the explosive rush of excitement as I kiss a person as warm, gentle, soft and passionate as I am...

I wonder if i'd have a lovers' quarrel to attend to....

Will my man understand... will he take it against me... will he feel threatened? Will love be lost because I experimented?

Stupid gate filter says my blog is 94% likely to be sexual in nature. Hmmpfff!!!!

*~*

Ha! I got someone really, really, really horny for me with my uhm... Frustrated Missy Adventure... I was expressly told that he'd want to be Buddy, only, he'd initiate the possibilities of uhm... going to heaven.

*~*

MIRTH
noun
... laughter, gaiety, merriment

it's nice to have come to a point where most of my days are filled with such.... I never knew this would happen to me when I was raging against hormones during adolescence and losing my innocence...

I was an unhappy child with a happy childhood. I was an unhappy adolescent with a turbulent adolescence. But from where i'm sitting right now, I am one happy woman with a happy, meaningful-with-rooms-for-improvement, life...

I wish there would be more belly laughs to fill my days with though...

There is someone I am really missing. I cannot help it, I visit his old blog from time to time... hoping to know what's up with him... whether he's ok.. whether he's mending... whether he's still upset... whether there's a chance for us to be friends again...

I cannot take back what I said. And this time, I know I won't change my mind.

Stupidly though... I am wishing that though I've finally decided to say goodbye to possibilities with him... the friendship did not have to end.

And i'm wondering... how many more alter-egos do I have to lose in the quest for real love... and why are they turning out to be not meant for me?

Sigh.

I'm sure he doesn't know how much I still worry about his happiness. But he's lying to himself and to me if he'd tell me that I AM HIS HAPPINESS. If I was, it wouldn't have been so hard for him to fight for me. It wouldn't have been necessary for him to justify why he... loves me. He'd have just done it...

It's so sad when love stories end. It's sadder when.... good friends have to be given up...

Having wet dreams on a Friday morning is NO WAY to start a weekend.

*~*

Which reminds me, I had a massage last Wednesday at the mezzanine of our office (and of course, after office hours). I fell asleep with just my thongs on and prone-lying on the wooden bed there. I woke up when I felt a hand touching/caressing my p***y. The first thought that came to mind was, "Oh my bloody gosh, I'm being molested!!!!!"

It was just my masseuse massaging my thighs. But I was really wondrin' why her hands kept uhm... touching my privates... I mean, she used to be soooo careful before. For a second there, I even wondered if my former officemate guy (who recently died) was the one responsible for her.... uhm.. careless... hands...

Suffice it to say I wasn't able to sleep again... and was relieved to have her stop massaging my thighs.

Weird.

The war we should fight is the war against SARS. The government should simply ban everybody from the affected countries (or at least, have them get certificates from their country that they are SARS-free and be quarantined for 14 days there before flying/being shipped to the Philippines)

Drastic... yes... but doable. We seriously don't need this kind of problem... and our way of life (esply the urban poor) will just allow the virus to fester and spread really fast.

I'm serious. It's scary.

My attraction/preference over silent, conservative-authoritative types is rearing its ugly head again... I have to keep reminding myself that though such guys pose a challenge for me... I could do away with the hassle of playing the second-guessing game all over again...

I already got hurt big time because of it... why court disaster again, ryt?

*~*

*grumble*

I should get a medal and cash award for battling my horniness. Really....

Then again.... it's the sad fate of all those who chose chastity and celibacy, isn't it? Maybe.. I really should reconsider the propositions coming my way.... am sure, some of them could be discreet... and could satisfy me... and could teach me new tricks (wow, just like a dog)... and maybe silence me for awhile....

Sigh.

I am soooooooooooooooooo mainstream-moral. Ugh.

For those who are wondering how I spent my Holy Week, please click here.

*~*~*~*

The Sun is sure making me unattractive.

*~*~*~*

I have often said before that I will never try to smoke... but given the chance, I would try drugs. But when I got the opportunity to be in a crowd who tried JUTES (do I say that with 's' when it's just one stick/roll that was shared among them?), sigh, I realized I wasn't even curious about it all.

I wasn't pressured to try it... and I was even kinda upset with myself that I wasn't interested at all... But I just wasn't. And well, I'm proud of myself and thankful that I have always been the kind of girl who knows how to learn without the actual experience... or at least, from the bad experiences.. and worse, the bad beginnings of others...

*~*~*~*

Except for SEX of course.... i've always vowed to be a non-virgin when I get married

I soooo want a digicam.... it's making me sick...

And I don't wanna be envious of other people... and I don't wanna live beyond my means... and I don't wanna be superficial...

But I just really wanna take better pictures of my travels.

how does one fall off a jeep?

the falling off the jeep was kinda funny..... i was going down from topload... and my camera fell... and all the guys waiting for me scrambled to pick the cam up coz it was raining... and i also looked at the cam and failed to watch my foot... so i slipped... and nobody was watching me to catch my fall.... so i landed on my back.... before they even knew i fell :D

ang cute ko... kainesssss

(conversation in a message board)

MISSY ADVENTURES
"Frustrated"

Missy and Buddy met through Yahoo Messenger. They instantly clicked and would usually spend nights just talking about stuff, relationships and other stuff. Buddy is this torpe-ish kind of guy while Missy... well... she's definitely not conservative. They're not falling in love or anything, both are just really friends.

*~*

Missy and Buddy at a mall... Buddy would elbow Missy whenever he sees a cute girl. Missy would pinch Buddy's back when she sees a cutie. And both would criticize each other's choices.

*~*

Buddy joins Missy and another girl friend to go dancing. Buddy later tells Missy that he was frightened of her girl friend because she looked like she's gonna eat any man alive. With Buddy easily overwhelmed, he's not getting laid.

*~*

Missy tagged along with Buddy and his climbing friends. She refused to go with them again because her tentmate snored so loudly she wasn't able to sleep.

*~*

To appease Missy, Buddy asked her to go on a roadtrip with her... the ACU of the car broke down and they had to go back.

*~*

Buddy invited Missy again to another climb.. and this time, they didn't share the tent with others. Missy had fun this time... and as Buddy was lying, sleeping soundly beside her.. she started feeling horny... ALL kinds of horny... and so, she again spent a restless night in the wilderness, bothered by Buddy's smell.... wondering how it would feel to be enveloped in his powerful arms... and clamped by his powerful thighs... and to have his mouth on every inch of her....

Missy decided to behave. Thus, she did not self-gratify.

On the busride home, as Buddy was sleeping beside her, she again smelled Buddy's scent and the fantasies begun again. That night, she gratified herself.... three times...

*~*

Missy refused to go camping with Buddy again. They would just talk on the phone instead.

*~*

Missy met Buddy to watch a movie. His scent and maleness bothered her libido again. So, she refused to meet with him again to do the things they usually do.

*~*

Missy finally agrees to go camping with Buddy again. When she found herself checking out Buddy's ass... she calls for a 5-minute break, gets Buddy aside and tells him this...

"Buddy... I've been doing something wrong.. see, I started lusting after you.. as in, you know, wanting you to kiss me and stuff... good thing I didn't crawl all over you the last time we camped. I swear, if you only know... how tormented i've been by the sight of you... and my gosh, you smell so.. so... well, nice... it just really makes me want to eat you... you know... and ok, I think I haven't gotten over this thing because I've been guilty about harboring such thoughts... I mean, I know I shouldn't be wanting to tie you up or something... right.. and well, the guilt is like, making me want you more... and am starting to get stuck.. because am sooo frustarated... so well, ok, I now told you.. and i'm sorry... And it's nothing, I'm just weird this way... hehehehehe... O ano, tara na?"

True enough, Missy wasn't lusting after him anymore.

3rd installation of TEXT MESSAGES
Heaven help me, i'm going to leave you guys with something to read!!!!

pang-initial encounter
i think i need to be spanked....would you do the honors?

pang-2nd encounter
don't you want to be naked with me again?

pang-marami nang encounters
nde ba, practice makes perfect?

pang-specific request
lika dito, doggie tayo

"now, am craving your body..."

i've masturbated since you saw me last, and because of you

what can I promise to give you, that will give you an erection right now?

how do i blow thee, let me count the ways....

If i tell you that am all alone, wet and warm, eager and willing and raring to be enslaved.......will you COME?

Can’t I try just to make you a little bit harder..? Can’t you give me just a little bit more orgasms?

Don't you even miss, the way i kiss, the way i feel, the way i squeeze

you should be blindfolded and naked......and my sex slave

Hurry don't be late
I can hardly wait
Ok, i'd start without you...

"make me beg...."

for you to ....just be licking me again...just to be pumping inside....just to be responding to my every moan.....ahh, i'll do anything......

wanted: a guy to suck on this tube ice hanging on my tits

"suck me, while am grinding...."

honey, just got back from Baguio and I have strawberry jam...when are you licking it off me

"a part of me has been practicing
of squeezing you while you're in"
(dang kegel exercises and my pathetic attempts at poetry)

your hands on my body
my tits in your mouth..."

bad text
”I’ve just gotten laid, and not by you”

Great... we had this bomb drill happen.. and were asked to just bring personal, important belongings and vacate the building... while outside, guys from the Planning Department asked my officemate why I didn't bring my precious tabo with me...

Mean guys.... hmmpff!!!!

*~*

Meanwhile, I was crushing on the SOG from Coast Guard, men wearing these tight shorts for uniforms.... sigh, i've always loved a great, firm thigh...

*~*

Another crush was... this Labrador k-9 :)

If terrorists had wanted to disable the PNP some, they could have bombed the 5th floor of our building yesterday, from 1:30 PM to 4:30 PM. They would have even taken away some WPD, PCG and PPA top officials.

Ok, that is not a good joke. But it’s such thoughts that come to mind whenever I attend such prestigious meetings, to do un-prestigious tasks.

*~*

One PNP alalay had the gall to ask me for a charger. I could have shot him there and then.

*~*

Another PNP alalay did not even have the decency to ask me nicely to shoo the media people away. Just because I did not have a badge and wasn’t carting a gun and chaperoning someone else who has a badge and gun doesn’t mean he was a better person than I am. Really, politeness isn’t overrated.

*~*

What is it with PNP officials anyway… that they have to bring legions of alalays just to attend a meeting.. and why do their support technical assistant (read: person who will present the powerpoint presentation for them, reading from a brief and possibly… gasp… shock… operating a laptop) also has to have alalays? I mean, how many PNP people does it take to insert a diskette in a laptop anyway?

Again, just because these men have taken it upon themselves to make the Philippines secure doesn’t mean they are more important people than others. They CHOSE to lay their lives on the line… so they shouldn’t be strutting around as if all of them is the President.

*~*~

On a kinder note, when a really high official arrives, you can see the genuine respect and admiration from the eyes of every other PNP man. They would all greet the high official and go out of their way to make him comfortable. And you can almost see the unwritten story in how they look at the official… maybe, this one led them to a victorious operation.. maybe that one embodied professionalism and courage… maybe this other one is a friend who once laid his life to protect someone else’s life…

*~*

the bad news
Davao and Zamboanga are really threatened. I know am not saying anything that isn’t already known, what with the bombings at Davao.. but I would like to reiterate that in all the back corridors of intelligence… Davao is the number one on the terrorists’ agenda.

the good news
Philippine authorities are doing what they should.. and what they can…

I wonder if I’d be punished for uhm, this sort of breach of info. Anyway, people from those places, do take care. And please assist and cooperate with the authorties when you can. They can always come up with great plans but if you guys won’t help them implement these plans, nothing will be improved… certainly, not the economy and your peace and order situation there…

*~*

I saw my manager crush. Shucks, all it really takes is one look from him and I just can’t help but feel HOT and BOTHERED. He rattled me so much, I ended up ignoring/neglecting another manager. Hehehe… I still really wanna know why he’s called the KISSING BANDIT by friends.

I sooo hate the person I become when stressed....

And it's soooo bad that i've always been able to put across how I feel in words... and thus, offend some people even if am not angry with them.. and even if I didn't mean to...

And really, pity the man and family I have/will have.... when I am this bitchy!

I know I saw this one posted in well... err... anyway... didn't know the sng then... and so sad to be appreciating it now...

Daniel Bedingfield
If You're Not The One

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I

TO THE PERSON WHO IS GETTING OBSSESSED WITH ME AND MY BLOG: Nowhere in this blog did I say that i'm pretty and beautiful. And as much as you make me laugh sometimes, i'm also concerned that you're no longer thinking straight. I mean, why waste time and effort to actually visit my blog? Why waste your energies in being upset and offended and threatened by me? I mean, if I don't know you in person, the chances of me seducing/rejecting you, or your guy, is pretty... zero, ryt?

*~*~*~*

One of my officemates is this guy old enough to be my father who took it upon himself to have lunch with me when I first worked here. We still have lunch together. It has been 3 years. And so, I have been party... ugh, what a term, witness... to his fight with cancer. So far, thank God... he's been declared cancer-free for over a year now. Still, the repercussions of undergoing radiation therapy couldn't be denied.

Anyway, before, it was him and another cancer-ridden officemate (the one who died) who would have lunch with me. And so, as I savor the leche flan (the only wonderful thing about lunch at work), they will regale me with stories about how painful everything is.. from the botched injections to chemotherapy aftermaths, to deadly concoctions and hopelessness...

Anyway, backgrounder aside... I sometimes really wish that this living officemate would stop telling me about how something ruptured in his ear and stained his pillow with pus.... while we're eating lunch..

I mean.. pus is pus... in whatever language and however sweetly you may refer to it.. it does not stop being this awful stuff that makes me wanna throw up..

Promise!!!!

problem
a horniness that brings with it the ff:
~ inability to concentrate
~ some shakes (mostly in hands and feet)
~ headache
~ tummy ache
~ inability to stop kegel exercises
~ really f*cking soiled undies at work
~ ranting all over the net
~ sense of desperation, similar to what's felt by a junkie deprived of drugs
~ sexual daydreams involving labskis and male buddies I never thought of sexually before
~ intense desire to eat flesh
~ dizziness

possible cure
at least 7 hours of sexual activities, with at least 35 orgasms from my end...

why 7 hours
because the guy would need to rest some, we have to eat one decent meal (and incorporate the suckling and nipplick and licking while having the meal) and i've gotta pee after each male orgasm

what's funny
I was born conservative and shy.

what's funnier
Of all times to be left alone, this week had to be it! As in nobody is propositioning to live out my fantasies with me.

What's weird
I'm blogging this.

What's gonna happen next
Either i self-gratify myself again or..... heaven help men... or... i throw a tantrum at home.

No, really, what's gonna happen next?
I'm gonna buy myself lots of white chocolate on the way home and binge.

SECOND PAGE OF CONSOLIDATED TEXT ME, I'LL TASTE YOU REPLIES I POSTED...

you and me and honey poured on our bodies…tonyt!

am alone in a motel room waiting for dinner at 7...wish i'll be eating you instead

am horny
come by the house, quick!
am alone

when am depressed, i wallow
when am horny, i swallow

horny again.....naturally...

"my bed needs warming....."

uhm, they've always said flames and fires are borne of FRICTION...

i don't think i can really suck your pecker off...but am game, and we can try!!!

WHEN YOU COME BACK, BE MINE...SAY YOU'LL BE MINE...

LEMME BLOW YOU

OPEN UP, MY TONGUE IS HEAVEN

"...but am BAD in BED....as in i REALLY SUCK..."

lika dito...sex tayo...

"lika dito.....laro tayo...." (kasi alang finesse yung una)

for today, am wearing a red skirt, pink thongs...and eager butt ready to be spanked...

such a perfect night for me to warm you, no?"

masarap ako"

read in pex that humming while giving head feels nice....wanna be my practice d!ck?

fancy a f@ck?
(the caption on the t-shirt of that gross guy in the movie Notting Hill)

"let me lose myself in sucking you..."

lahat ibibigay sa'yo

"I want my cake, while eating you"

bought this new pair of thongs that are just made to be...played with

Weird.. someone sent me a business card of my cellphone number... under the name of BITCH.

Dang person was too stupid to add "SEXY" and "DELISYUS" to the word... hmmm.. maybe he/she/it can only spell the word that applies to her... or the word he uses on women who reject him... hmm....

My officemate died last Saturday. Of course, nobody at the office thought to inform me.

Anyway, at least, Mang Ver didn't suffer as much.

*~*~*

My aunt says it's not leukemia. Am not quite sure if it was her red blood cells eating up her white blood cells or the other way around but that's it. She's being taken care of so she won't progress to cancer. And she's seen a hematologist. And her room is always surrounded by her staff and the nursing students at the school she runs in General Santos City.

I pray she makes it and fully recovers.

Thank God for small blessings.

Our officemate had a stroke Monday. Now he's very critical and in ICU. And the family that has let his health deteriorate is now pestering our office for money. Which is, in a way, understandable since they're not really well-off. But the fact that my officemate's grown-up kids did not take it upon themselves to look for jobs and help financially before... just really leaves a bad taste in our mouth. And it's so sad that during such times, you get to know who really cares and hopes and fights with you... and who has already given up on you.

And I fear, if I would be stricken with a deadly and expensive disease, I might just opt to leave my family and die alone. Better that than run my family to the dust with poverty... or see the silent wish in their faces to be rid of me.

*~*~*

Speaking of disasters, I don't know what to do right now. I just heard that my favorite aunt and who I consider my second mom... has been taken to hospital. They say it's leukemia. Her kids (one of which is living with us) don't know it yet. How can we break the news to them? I'm worried on who'd take care of my Tita Acela... and of course, the expense. I worry how to tell the kids.. my cousins, the youngest of whom is only 8 years old... I worry because she's in General Santos City and her family is all here in Luzon. I worry because I don't have all the information yet. I worry because I love her.

And i'm angry that she refused to have herself checked time and again. I'm angry that she's such a good person who doesn't even know how to get angry which might have resulted to the cancer. I'm angry because i'm not in a position to hold her now...

And I don't know who to call to cry to...

And i'm due for a Banahaw climb tonight and i'm wondering if I should still go...

And i'm wondering... is this why i've been lonely the whole week?

Am always libidinal. I'm always horny. And yet, i'm not at all challenged and excited by men who offer me stuff in exchange for sex (despite the wish sometimes that I am not so moral or conservative or proud), who i met over the net, who only want ONS, who just fancied me because the other one they fancy is unavailable or unattainable...

I mean am halfway to being 26, surely this is not the time to have meaningless relationships. And it may be faultless to insist to only sleep with a man who will cuddle with me after and run by me stuff that he may want to do to/with me... But again, am too old to be exchanging bodily fluids with jerks.

I am sexually liberated... even when I live without actual sexperiences. And I don't see any hypocrisy in that.

Am currently hearing the song SPECIAL MEMORY which reminded me of GLD, my first The Company album which he gave me when he resigned from the NGO where we met (and when we were still trying to deny our feelings for each other), and High School graduation....

I will always cherish wonderful moments... given me.

I am really worried about people I know who are in Singapore and Hongkong right now... and I feel bad somehow for being thankful that Philippines wasn't really hit by SARS (yet)...

So Regina and your gang, Adjie, Mart... you all take care, please?

*~*~*

Btw, Regina, to the possibility of being stalked... err, I just got word am due to be shot tomorrow at 7:00 PM at 7-11 Buendia by my old time creepy, psycho guy. I just hope he doesn't miss if he's going to really do it... or all hell would break lose. Nobody.. and I mean, nobody.. hurts my friends and gets away with it.

Eyes On Me by Faye Wong

I never sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
I never said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar
My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Did you ever know?
That I had mine on you
Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer
So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you
Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming
Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

- I just love listening to this song... soooo lullaby-like... soothing... comforting...

*~*~*

He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself
To blame.
If you'd have been there
If you'd have seen it
I betcha
You would
Have done
The same!


ahihihi....

Such a cruel joke.

I was given Cadbury Dream Eggs... to lick and suck and happy-fy my mouth with... and dang eggs were bought in Singapore pa!!!!

I am now, officially, a tormented woman. Unless someone can direct me where to buy them here in Manila.

My friend just e-mailed me that she's currently helping a student to deal with RAPE. She's so affected in a way because, like me, her mother complex is sooo strong. She also said, she felt like wanting to punch her own loving boyfriend for a week after hearing of the news.

Dang. And here I am, just lost interest in men yet again. So depressing news.

Around 20 years ago, I was feeling all kinds of embarrassed because Mom was stripping me in front of so many people. It didn't make a difference to me that I was only around 6 years old that time and didn't have much of tits yet. We danced to Pearly Shells as a graduation presentation... and dang, I just loved my grass skirt!.

*~*~*

Yesterday, I was reminded of that kindergarten graduation as I watched my niece, ELA, get similarly dressed and undressed in the covered gym of their school. She graduated second of their class, and I was just too teary-eyed proud of her. let's say, after my sister, I love her best. And I was also sooo proud of her Mom for doing a great job despite my cousin's (the bilogical father) irresponsibility.

*~*~*

One of the presentations at my niece's graduation was this uhm, dance number of BAKIT PAPA. True enough, the girls were wearing this loud-red brassiere tops and red mini skirts with hi-cut boots and gyrating like crazy. My own niece was also part of another dance number where, again, they were just really swaying their undeveloped hips. And then, a wee lass rendered a SOLO performance of dancing to that "You're sooo sexy, sexy, sex..." song.

Some parents found her cute. Well, she WAS cute. But I could not help but be bothered at the sexuality and sensuality she was exuding at the age of 6. It just wasn't right. I could not help but believe I was watching a Pegasus dancer who's only 6 years old. The girl deserves credit, she can move!!! But... she looked promiscuous. And she shouldn't be looking that way. And it was a graduation, not some sick circus.

*~*~*

The worse thing was, this teacher/emcee's comment after the solo performance. He said something to the effect that... Whew, it seems everybody was awakened by that number.. and not only the young boys.. . Arrrggh, I could just have killed him. I mean, the 6-year old boys weren't even paying attention!!! And there he was, implying that a lot other guys, like him, got hot and bothered over the little girl!.

*~*~*

My cousin didn't even buy my niece new shoes for graduation. And of course, he didn't attend. I was so upset with him last night and I texted him that it's so sad, his child (who deserves financial sustenance if nothing else) is growing up without him getting to know how beautiful and wise she is becoming. I also texted him that the bad karma of his irresponsibility towards Ela might be paid by his kids with his wife (I just realized that his kids with wife have been always sicker than Ela ever was). I love his other kids too, i'm even godmommy to one... but dang the man, I hate how he's been hurting Ela.

*~*~*

NOTE ABOUT THE WAR:

Funny, the Americans are crying out about the inhumanity of Iraqis by showing that video of American POWs and cadavers. But I don't hear them saying that it's wrong for their own people to have bombed hospitals, schools, places of worship and water reservoirs in Iraq.

Aaaaarrggghhhhh....

Heaven help me, I feel soooo cheap.. soooo whore-like... soooo pathetic... sooo dirty... Gosh, if you really wanna make me un-proud of myself, this is one of the surefire ways to strip me of pride...

Ahhhh... i'm so reduced to scum. I feel so badddd.....

My cousin, TIN, had this gay classmate pretending to be a girl. This classmate fooled some 30+ year old guy that he's a SHE. The guy would give the classmate load so they can continue texting. My cousin got the guy's phone number w/o telling her classmate. She and my sister tried texting the guy. True enough, when my sister told the guy that she doesn't have load anymore (and you know 17-year olds), the guy did send her one. First, it was this pure text thing that Grace and Tin thought was fake... so they had another cousin of mine try to load it in her cell. Of course, Ate Gang has a pure text load now. My sister then told the guy that she generously gave the load to our Mom instead. And so the guy sent my sister a P300.00 load this time. Ergo, the guy is now known as sugar daddy in our home.

And dismayed I may be, I can't really stop my sis from doing such a thing. First, she didn't ask for the load, she says, it was freely given. And with summer approaching, she needs the load since she won't have any allowance anymore. Second, I have enough trust in her that she won't exchange her body for the load in the event that she (together with 3 other cousins) meet with this guy. Third, I was left stupefied.

I did tell her that I haven't done such a thing... and that I couldn't bear such a thing (heaven help me, am looking at a month w/o loading also). I asked my sister also about pride, and she reiterated that she didn't ask for it. And when I told her that men like that expect only one thing from 17-year olds (nope, definitely their virginity and not their older sister), my sister just gave me her I-can-handle-this-don't-worry look.

Which also brings me to another point... why is it a prevalent thing now, guys giving load to stranger girls? How much of a loser are they? I mean, I can understand friends or siginificant others doing such... but... spending money on girls who are obviously just using you?

Anyway, my sister isn't as conservative as I think she was. Lolz, she even told me that I should accept it if am given a load by some guy someday.

I just frustrated the girl by suggesting that she get a henna tattoo on her lower back, so she'd look more ravishing in my bathing suit. Of course, she wants one now.. and has no idea whewre to get one.

Sisters.

Guys and labskis.... read this

Don't embarrass your labski (read: ME) and appear as if I haven't taught you anything... goodness, it's sooo non-academic, this query.

Shucks, am alone in our office.... what to do... what to do...

I'm feeling all kinds of horny after my massage... had I only owned a webcam, guys would have been tortured. Promise. Am THAT horny... arggghhhhhh

My sister graduated from high school today.

Nope, she didn't do it with honors, she wasn't really as into academics as I was.

But i'm very proud of her. The number one baby in my life is fast growing up. She's recently been hurt when her bf broke up with her. I know that upset her studies and her self-esteem more than she'd cared to admit. And the nine years that separate us seems all the more bridged now that we become more and more friends.

Through her, I went through the rites of passage twice... through her, I was able to continually visit a childhood and innocence that may have been long gone. Through her, faith in the not knowing has oftentimes helped me deal with my own problems.

I can still remember when she first told me she was going out with a lesbian, explaining that no boy could give her the kind of caring she needed.. and how devastated I was, and how scared, and how sad that I couldn't protect her from the realities of the world.

And that one time when we had our worst fight ever, when she used a cuss word on me, and I pushed her down to a chair.. and she made as if to slap me. We've always had a problem with our tempers, but I couldn't deal with the fact that the person whom I loved best and who I helped raise would disrespect me so blatantly then. Of course, we made up. Of course, silly me, I was full of pride. And as always, living up to her name, she was the one who initiated peace.

Her name is Grace... and ever since, she's been blessed with that...

People would often say how kind and gracious I can be... but they've never met my sister. Lolz... just recently, she's asked me to buy Anmum for my brother's gestating gf. Isn't she sweet?

In one seminar I attended, we were told that a mentor is someone who inspires change in you. She's always made me want to be a better version of myself. She's my mentor. And again, I love her best.

was reactin to jonathan's blog... decided to add my reply in mine :)

> i never kissed (ay mali) had sex with another woman
> i've never been out of the country
> i've never been married or pregnant
> i've never been innocent methinks
> i've never tried to commit suicide, but i've kinda prayed for death for so many times while growing up
> i've never made a play for a friend's beau (unless you count the stupid guy i once met with to get him away from a friend)
> i've never seduced any guy yet
> i've never engaged in anal sex or outright sado-masochism
> i've never been turned on by sh!t
> i've never crossed a manila busy street naked... haven't even run around naked (unless you count what i do in my room)
> i've never been able to observe perfect grammar rules

*~*

finally got my site unblocked from work... only to still be unable to comment back since it's temporarily down... argghhhh

Oh, you probably won't remember me,
its probably ancient history.
I'm one of the chosen few
who went ahead and fell for you.
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch,
I fell too fast, I feel too much.
I thought that you might have
some advice to give, on how to be
insensitive

how could i have bloody forgotten this song....

I ate a pint of ice cream after getting home last night at past 10, after watching Chicago with climber friends. And after watching said movie, it felt right killing jerks in the guise of men.

*~*

Had this weird dream that two of my high school friends were fighting over one man. And in the middle of the dream, my family and I ate at this exclusive restaurant overlooking the sea, and when I was enjoying the view from the big picture window, I looked down to see 14-16 year old girls naked and frolicking in a private pool and jacuzzi downstairs. The bad thing was, to the left of the pool, a girl was teaching two other girls how to induce vomiting. Anorexia and Bulimia came to mind.

*~*

Went dancing at Padi's Timog last Saturday night with friends. We were suposed to just booze the night away but I suggested the place since MTC was holding an EB there. Met some of them but didn't really hang out with them much, since I was with my climber friends. It was kinda bitin coz I only danced for like, 2 hours.

Again, poles do not help in making me behave. Ledges too. Cages too.

*~*

Some climber friends and I were discussing relationships. One guy pal had the audacity to tell me i'm wrong to assume that whoever partner i'd get that will not be a mountaineer, will also not understand my being a mountaineer. He also added that climbing would just be a source of conflict for us.

It's sad that people readily assume that i'd settle for a person who will not suport my passions. It's sad and irritating to know that people don't know me enough, and therefore, trust my judgment enough to assume that I will get and marry a guy who will make me stop doing something i've loved doing even before I met him, and that he'd be narrow-minded to get jealous of my climber friends.

Sure, it happens a lot. I know that. But it still boils down to the choices you make. If you choose to stay in a relationship where you'd have to stifle some of your hobbies (especially something like mountaineering, as opposed to say, orgies), then it's your choice and you'd suffer the consequences. And if you get unhappy by it, you still brought it upon yourself.

I would really hope for an athletic partner. And I won't mind scaling mountains with him and our future kids someday. But I really don't want him to be a fellow in the same org. There are enough other things to do on earth that he could share with me instead.

Suddenly terribly, horribly upset...

Been looking forward to going dancing tomorrow... and methinks, I will not be getting it.

Sigh.

*~*~*

By the way, my PC monitor crashed, methinks... I hate this Friday.

My Mom left a message for my dad. Her note read:

"Senior, please pay the Meralco bill, love, Commander In Chief"

Actually, my dad calls my mom, Doña. And it just made me smile this morning to know how far my parents' marriage have gone. They've just recently celebrated their 26th anniversary and I still cannot help but thank God for the same thing again and again: that my parents were among those people who were brave enough and committed enough to see a marriage through.

Not every parent can say that about themselves. Not every person from my generation will have the same success.

And again, the realization that I have been a product of successful and prevailing unions from both sides of my family makes me more committed to be as wise, brave, enduring, committed and hopeful.

ONE HOUR. In one hour, Iraq may be bombarded with destruction from the thousands of American troops waiting to be deployed and start the war. Saddam has only one hour left to surrender and agree to being exiled. Then again, if he gave away some 7 million arms/guns/whatever to civilians so they can protect themselves, I guess that's clear enough indication that Iraq is not scared to go to war.

*~*~*~*

Gee... to realize that Bush's dreams isn't to follow in his Dad's footsteps, but to be a better fool than Nixon ever was. I wonder how much the Americans are re-thinking that other guy, was it Gore?

*~*~*~*

America didn't win the Vietnam War. I don't think they will win this one either.

*~*~*~*

It also just goes to show how conceited and arrogant Americans can be. Thier govenrment can be responsible for mass destruction elsewhere, but you can't bomb them. Oh no, not them. They're supposed to be invincible. They're supposed to be elite. They're supposed to be exempted. They're supposed to not feel threatened or scared. And in pursuit of these shoulds, they are willing to have thousands of men killed in battle, and thousands others to be made orphans.

And I know that not all Americans share the same vanity. Still, I can't help but beg the question, if they're really so civilized, why are they willing to sacrifice thousands of lives? Where is the humanity in that?

*~*~*~*

On the other hand, is there really hope that such an act of bravado would rid the world of terrorism?

*~*~*~*

ISHMAEL the gorilla (from the book of the same title) said that life has it's own way of balancing things out. For every person, there is enough resource. But a group of people can have much more than their share. It only means though that another group of people will have to live without. And if the world senses an imbalance between its resources and its users, it does what it does best. It takes away life. Usually, these happen by way of natural disasters. And then, there's hunger and poverty and corruption in Africa and Latin America. I'm just wondering if the impending war is another way life has employed to balance things out.

If the war breaks.... I might be 'forced' to end my celibacy.... wonder who the top 3 guys on my list would be....hmm....

How about you guys? Who would you wanna make love to/have sex with if the world, as we know it, ends this month?

(i know this may sound insensitive to the real worry of impending war, but there's already a lot being said about that, and i don't want to dwell on it until it's actually here)

A friend gave me this CD i'm playing..... ironically enough, it's like a summary of what happened to me and my dearest, featuring songs like I Will Survive, If I'm Not In LOve with You, Cruisin' .... and the following songs...

This was the song I was singing some 2 years ago... when I opened my heart to you...

This is the one i'm singing to you now...

This is empowering me to do the above...

*~*

Blame it on the rain that was falling, falling
Blame it on the stars that didn't shine that night
Whatever you do don't put the blame on you
Blame it on the rain yeah yeah

AFTER ALL
By: Gary Valenciano

I asked her for a smile
She couldn’t, I don’t know why
Could it be that it’s all over?
Such a short love affair,
I feel it’s so unfair
But what must I do
To keep this love, oh so true
I feel we should go on,
Coz I can still feel the fire’s warmth,
The sparks of love that keep it shining on…

I’ll be standing here even though it’s through
I’ll have a space in my heart for you
I don’t know how I’ll fake it,
And I doubt if I can make it….
And if you came to realize,
Just turn and look into my eyes,
For then you’d come to know
That it was me after all….

You know we still have time,
It’s not too late to change your mind,
Why must we end it?
I feel we should go on,
Coz I can still feel the fire’s warmth,
The sparks of love that keep it shining on…..

This was the break-up song my GLD dedicated to me the first time we broke up... heard it on the radio yesterday....

*~*~*~*

...... Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story....

I remember, back in college, and Philippines is still experiencing a rainy season, me and my friends would be found wading in flood waters to walk from our school to P. Gil LRT station. We didn't really have a choice then, none of us had a car, and taxis and jeepneys usually only get stuck on the streets anyway... so walking in murky water with unidentifiable/unimaginable floating objects it is.

One time, as we were walking huddled close because it's cold and raining and none of us really had an umbrella... I was hollering to my alter-ego, Allee, to take care because she might fall in a manhole. Suddenly, I felt myself falling and the first thought that came to mind was... ""What the hell, i'm shrinking!!!!". It took me several moments to realize that my left leg was halfway through a manhole already!!! Imagine the laughter that ensued from my gang... while passersby thought I collapsed.

And I dunno why I thought of that incident... but ahhh, we really had good times then, my friends and I.

*~*~*~*

After more than 25 years of existence and wondering, life saw it fit to finally let me see something... err... weird. When I opened the gate to our compound last night, I was stupefied to see... a TOM humping a TABBY. Yes, folks... I believe i'm one of the few privileged enough to actually saw cats making love. And though it felt atrocious, because i've only actually seen dogs do it... oh and yeah, turtles on TV... it was uhm, also err, nice to know that a cat humps with more finesse than a dog. In fact, being true to feline qualities, he does it slowly and purposely.

JAY, the picture didn't turn out to be as sexy and revealing as I wanted, but here it is anyway for your consumption. Lolz, you just have to use a lot of imagination though.

*~*~*~*

A jerk had the audacity to e-mail me, detailing what he intends to to me when I meet with him. I put emphasis on the word WHEN because he sounded like am a sure deal and it's just a matter of when we'd be living out his fantasies.

I am sorely tempted to copy-paste-post his e-mail to amuse you guys and to justify why, even if I had been the kind of girl who sleeps around with just anybody, I found him too lame to be with me.

And when I cutely turned down his offer, the jerk had the gall to call me a HYPOCRITE and that I most probably want sex more than he does and that he's only offering himself for MY OWN GOOD.

And dang, what defense could there be to such conceit?

*~*~*~*

On a related matter.... the guy I am talking about there committed two very big boo-boos and I want my guy friends to learn from his mistake.

1) He wrote about immediately coming AFTER I come. So, my dear labskis, if you're propositioning a sexually-healthy girl like me, please do not promise her just one orgasm. I mean, pleeeease, you just really have no right to come without giving a woman several trips to heaven first. Ugh.

2) He wrote about saying "I love you" to me after the orgasms. Please.... if it's just going to be an SEB, stick to the basics, which are: meeting, connecting, f*cking, cleaning up, saying goodbye and being discreet. Let's not use the L word sooo loosely. Sure, you can say that you fell in love with the woman's body, or any specific part of her... but that's it!!! Ok?

One of the bigger shocks of my life was.... when I realized, at age 13, that a man doesn't insert his penis in a woman's urethra... and that babies don't come out of there either....

Yeah.. that was when I found out I had a vagina. And that pleasure and pain will be coming through there.

(addendum: Please do not misconstrue the above post as my first time to finger myself or let some others do it to me... or that I already engaged in sexual encounters at that age... I had my first period then, and you know, you wash yourself and all when you have a period... lolz... of course, guys can't relate... but oh, anyway)

This song has been so hounding me since the Makiling climb.... i read it in magazines, in blogs, hear it in conversations and the radio.... sigh....

*~*~*~*~*

Wonder how a guy would feel about being blindfolded and tied up... before you give him a blow job... I mean, will it make a difference that he can't see which part of your mouth you're using, and which part of his uhm, sensitive regions you're gonna be diving at... and that he cannot push your head so he'd go deeper inside your mouth... etc..

I should really be sleeping now... but thoughts of masturbation get in the way of sleep... so am here, blogging, chatting, and weirdly excited to see my pamangkins.......

*~*~*~

Guys... even girls.. would sometimes message me to say how AMAZED they are and IMPRESSED by my experiences... when honestly, it's not really that I had a greater percentage of libido... or that i've been more ADVENTUROUS... I just really happen to be vocal... and I don't have a problem about discussing SEX and everything related to it..

I guess, things obtain a greater degree of existence when they're written down...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FATHER and MY LATE LOLO

i am woman...

.. hear me moan

.. have me beg

.. watch me surrender

.. feel my warmth

*~*~*~*

The curse and blessing of my life. I've always been loved by men. By no means should anybody reading this go pounding on my door and slap me on the face with the fact that I pretty much look, taste, sound, feel and smell average... believe me people, I am aware of that fact. I know that the most I can look is cute or photogenic. I know i'm no Mother Theresa....or Marie Curie either.

As I type on my keyboard tonight, I can honestly say that three other men are lying on their beds, ready to marry me... because they love me.

And that has always been the case. A man may start out just lusting over me, but chances are, he would fall in love.

And i'm not saying every man falls in love with me. Of course not.

But i've never been without. And so, i've always been in one form of commitment after another. And so, i've always felt guilty that I owe all of them some sort of allegiance/devotion for loving me. And so, I also keep getting scared that i've used up my quota of loving men in my life and there would be nobody else to look forward to. And so, I always feel like a bad person for not being able to always return the love being offered me.

And though I have not really whiled away nights crying because no one wants me, or that I was rejected by a loved one... it's also hard to be spending so many nights wondering how deeply I have hurt someone.... or how long it would take for him to recover... and what does it make me to win a heart, then have my own heart change......

And so, when I say I'm bad... my own personal history and the many men i've inadvertently hurt... will be proof enough.... to mean am telling the truth.

First of all, I would like to thank LEAH for such a wonderful surprise that really, really brightened my otherwise headachy, feverish week....

*~*~*

Women's Day found me wheezing between Makiling's Forestry and Nursery Trail.. and then between Mudspring and Peak 2.

Anyway, a part of me scoffs at the obviously un-genuine and commercialized hype about March being Women's Month. Then again, when you consider how women in other countries cannot even wear sleeveless tops... or get their clits cut off, or their necks elongated... and how atrocious rapes are done over and over again to Middle East women... or how education is deprived them... you cannot help but thank HEAVENS for making you a Filipina... a girl who enjoys mostly the same rights as the men, in a setting still filled with family values and traditions upholding morality...

*~*~*

Women's Month... and here I am, wondering where to find the perfect swimsuit that would not showcase the stretch marks I got from the weight gain and that would also be within my budget.... and no, am not fretting because I'm super insecure still of my body, I just really wanna be flaunting what i've got. I didn't really do it when I was in Boaracay. And it's high time I f***in do it. I'd be turning 26 already!!!

*~*~*

I was getting worried that being sick didn't bring with it the customary horniness that I usually experience... well, no need to wonder anymore, because it was just delayed....

And of course, it's now adding to my headache.

FIRST PAGE OF CONSOLIDATED TEXT ME, I'LL TASTE YOU REPLIES I POSTED...

imagine me naked, wet...on a plate....w/ whipped cream and honey all over my body....ready to be eaten....

just texting to tell you that i long to be enveloped by your softness....penetrated by your hardness

darling, am sure you'll be happy
to be in my arms
in my heart
in my mind
in my mouth

how do you want me to suck you?

i wanna know
what turns you on...

it's cold and i just want you to remember what happens to nipples when it's cold...

reminder: one of your body parts would be happy inside my mouth

...i just want to tell you that you're the most wonderful thing that has happened to me since masturbation...

vocabulary words for the day: sweat, moan, lick, nipples, wet, squirm, suck, control...

ey, i love doggies....hoping u love pussies

pssst........WET DREAMS ARE MADE OF ME

you're not the only one who squirts, you know...

wanted: someone to shoot pictures while i pose naked

"being really wet now, i don't need a lover, just a LICKER.....and ok, a SUCKER would also do just as well"

"am not wearing anything under my uniform..." (june 4 2002)

what's the point of having sex with someone if, after it, you can still see and walk straight?

"no undies under my uniform...again..." (june 07, 2002)
(dunno how i get away with this)

"i wanna be gyrating on top of you"

...and i will always want the flood that would ensue
when i stimulate, lick and suck you...

...u say u miss me, but what do you miss?
is it my lips? my nipples? or the spread of my legs?
or is it my lips and my nipples drawing circles on your body?
ahh, i bet it's my butt begging you to hump me...

How can the same love that made me so happy
Make me so sad, I don’t understand
How could the same eyes that used to be laughin’
Cry in the night, it doesn’t seem right at all

- Same Love, The Jets

*~*~*~*~
I'm so horribly sick. And i'm so horribly depressed. And both aren't helping me to be productive at work. Sigh.

THE PROBLEM WITH BEING NATURALLY FLIRTATIOUS IS THAT... THE GUY BUDDY YOU'RE TRYING TO SEDUCE WON'T RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS.... INSTEAD, HE'D JUST ASSUME YOU'RE HORNY AND TAKING IT OUT ON EVERYBODY ELSE, EVEN HIM!!!

AND THEN HE'D CONTINUE FANTASIZING ABOUT THE GIRLS HE DOES WANT.

Last Saturday night, while I was walking along a dirt road, alone and without a flashlight to guide my way.... I was still, nonetheless, accompanied. Somehow. Somehow.

Weird, when you have a flashlight in the dark, you're always looking down on the road. And the road ahead. But in the dark of night without an artificial light to guide my way, I found myself looking up at the sky... using where the trees from both sides of the road meet up above to assure me that i'm in the safest side of the road... I found that symbolic of faith and surrender...

Decided to sing a Gary V. song, "Take me out of the dark"

And realized, back in college when I was most distressed, confused and lost... I sang the same tune... And was delivered from the dark indeed.

And then I saw them... fireflies hovering up ahead. And my heart was free. My steps were light. And I arrived safely back at camp.

So we're ok, we're fine
Baby I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
Look at them together then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two


Did anybody miss me here?

By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, Undying
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying...
*~*

just for the record... i was shocked to see my reflection in a building mirror and see how my ass is protruding so far away from the rest of me....

Posts in pex you guys MIGHT enjoy.... sorry kasi am uninspired...

GIRL ON TOP ONE

girl, gyrating on top, leaning backwards a little and moaning and moaning while squeezing guy.... and coming and coming....with the guy feeling her warm juices flow down his groin area...wetting his balls.....

GIRL ON TOP TWO

girl on top of guy.....sitting on his face.... getting judiciously tongue f*cked.... gyrating..... screaming for more.... pushing more and more of her clit and her c*nt into the man's mouth..... with her juices happily flowing down to the man's eager mouth... only to be slurped....licked....sucked.... with her thighs clamping the man's face.....getting royally eaten....and eaten....with the girl's arms extended behind her......masturbating the guy....squeezing his pecker and playing with his base...his balls......getting lost in the sensations from her groin area...... begging for more.....begging for more.....

all i want right now, is the drive to JOG

and a refill to my vanilla perfume

the world can go to hell for all I care, as long as i jog and i have my vanilla perfume...

FUNNY

i was never sure of the love
and i never heard the words
i never secured promises
i was never committed to
i had to humble myself
and argue for your attention
and time
and effort
i was never deemed
worthy of love,
worthy of respect
worthy of trust
i was never even given a chance
to fight for what could be mine
actually, i never knew
that i had anything of you

and now, i'm made to feel
that i never really mattered
and never had worth
never had weight
in your visions of the future
what's worse
i'm being punished
not for my inaction
or lack of involvement
but because of it

funny
i have to re-define
love again

(yes guys, am very, very upset!)

broke a heart last night....

my heart, breaking today...

realized am sooo mean and bad to hurt people... and i don't deserve anything.... anything at all....

why isn't love easy?

I once tried to answer the same question posed by a friend in our NGO journal... all I know is, nobody can really prepare you for the breaking of a heart.....

especially yours....

Sabi ko na, dati pa.... kung naging matimtimang birhen lang ako, dati mo pa ako ginawang nobya mo.

Sabi ko na dati pa... hindi mo ako talaga kayang mahalin kasi nga, may pagka-malandi ako... may pagka-manyak.. paano mo naman nga ako ipagmamalaki sa angkan mo... wala nang itsura, parang wala pang moral...

Sabi ko na, masasaktan lang ako... aasa lang sa wala... kaso sakin kasi noon, pag mahal mo ang isang tao, mahal mo sya talaga... kasi yung tao ang minamahal mo, hindi yung isang parte ng katawan nya, o yung isang karanasan nya, o yung mga naging desisyon nya noong wala ka pa sa buhay nya... basta, yung tao yung minamahal mo... yung tao yung pag-aalayan mo ng mga pangarap mo... ng kinabukasan mo.. ng kaligayahan mo...

Ngayon, eto ako, umiiyak. Hindi naman makuhang magtampong hindi mo naipaglaban kung sino ako... kasi iniisip ko, hindi mo naman nga obligasyon. Sino nga ba naman ako? Kaibigan lang, diba? Kaibigan lang....

Mahal mo man ako... pero kaibigan pa rin lang....